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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel damned if I do, damned if I don't?

27 replies

WashingMachineAlwaysOn · 15/02/2012 16:26

I'm due to go back to work part time next week, but I'm feeling very judged by some family members who think a Mum should be at home with their children. Mainly my sister who doesn't have kids yet herself.

It has made me upset as I'm not 100 per cent sure myself about going back. My reasons are mainly economic (mortgage etc) and planning for the future so that my CV is better for finding work in years to come. But I am worried about spending less time with my little ones. The children are 1.5 and 3.5 and I know they will love being with their grandparents.

The other problem is that I feel like a failure already as I'm a disorganised, grumpy SAHM who doesn't enjoy the housewife side of things at all. My boyfriend is supportive of me going back but will I still have to do all the washing up as well as my new reports for work? Hmm.

So I feel damned if I do return to work (abandoning kids, more workload) and damned if I don't (continue being a not very good SAHM, with low self esteem).

Any advice from other wise MNetters on either side? Many thanks!

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 15/02/2012 16:29

Stop it now! It's boring as he'll at home all day with kids and you need the money and to stay on the career ladder, so get on with it. Your kids will be finewith grandparents.

LilacWaltz · 15/02/2012 16:32

Boring? At home with your kids?

Well it's what you make it isn't it?? You get out what you put in

blondie80 · 15/02/2012 16:33

How about going back and see how you feel in a month or so? It sounds like you're not too happy at the minute, but if this is coming from what family members are saying don't listen to them. It's your choice.

Pandemoniaa · 15/02/2012 16:33

Anyone who judges someone for going out to work has clearly set their time machine back to the 1950s.

YANBU in going back to work. Nor for wanting to get back into a career instead of spending all day immersed in domestic drudgery. And if all these things make you happy and are good for your self-esteem then your dcs are going to benefit too.

whackamole · 15/02/2012 16:35

Just try not to let it bother you.

I went back to work when my boys were 8 months old - don't regret it at all. I didn't cry when I dropped them at nursery for the first time and I don't fret and call them all the time.

Unless they are living your life, they simply cannot know.

And Lilac - yes, sometimes the monotony of only seeing your own children, cleaning up after them and only really seeing other parents can be boring. Presumably you are taking a break from your own to have a look on MN....?

OrkaLiely · 15/02/2012 16:37

I suspect OP meant to start a SAHM-v- WOHM bunfight.

LilacWaltz · 15/02/2012 16:37

Nope. Only got dd here and she is going her A level revision... Hmm

lisaro · 15/02/2012 16:37

Just give her a sweet smile and say 'Yes, I had uninformed ideas like that before I had children'. everybody has different feelings about this suject, and different circumstances. You sound like you know what you're doing, you've thought it through don't let anybody else get to you. Also, as blondie said; see how you feel. Good luck.

LilacWaltz · 15/02/2012 16:39

orka why do you say that? Is it because this is the op's one and only post in this name??

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/02/2012 16:43

YANBU - ignore any stupid comments!

I love my DS dearly BUT I couldnt have stayed at home every day all day with him, it would have sent me bonkers!

Horses for courses but for me personally being a working mum has been brilliant. I love my job, I love my home so I get the best of both worlds.

PicaK · 15/02/2012 16:48

I am a SAHM. I'm happy with my choice overall despite the odd shit day. But i'd fight in the streets if anyone suggested I shouldn't work. Your sister is bang out of order. Do what's right for you and your family and don't fret about what others think. Easier said than done though i know.

PurplePidjin · 15/02/2012 16:48

Can everybody play the piano to concert standard? No.

Can everybody paint the Sistene Chapel? No.

Can everybody tune an engine to win a Gran Prix? No.

Can everybody instantly transform themselves into a SAHM? NO!

Do what's right for you and your family.

Original poster
WashingMachineAlwaysOn · 15/02/2012 17:05

Hi, thanks for the feedback so far, you are all very fast! Didn't mean to start another SAHM/WOHM debate, just wanted some advice as I've run out of people to ask in RL - all friends already work so don't have any other full time SAHMs to speak to. Have posted before, name change to avoid judgey family.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 15/02/2012 18:26

You are not "abandoning your kids". Does your DP work? Does he feel like he has abandoned his children? Did you SIL have an issue with him working?

Tell her to mind her own business.......she doesn't have children. She doesn't know what she is talking about and it really isnt anything to do with her.

Unless she would like to your mortgage if she feels so strongly?

feedmefeedmenow · 15/02/2012 19:22

You get out what you put in

exactly

OneWaySystemBlues · 15/02/2012 19:29

I think working in order to pay your mortgage is sensible, and not stupid or abandoning your kids. I think it's great that you have a job when it's so hard to get one at the moment. I think it's none of your family's business. I think you're setting a good example for your children by working. I think that you've got a good balance by being able to work part time. And I think that feeling guilty goes with the territory of being a parent! But it's no one else's business but yours, so ignore, ignore, ignore and I hope you enjoy your return to work.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2012 19:41

Part-time is the happy medium, surely.

Thetokengirl · 15/02/2012 19:41

I remember years ago being really upset by another Mum at a baby group who had a go at me for planning yo go back to work after ds1 was born. She couldn't understand why anyone would have children and then leave them to work.
Six months later, I bumped into her and she was raving about her new PT job!
Bit of a ramble, but what I'm trying to say is that I would ignore your sister as until she has children of her own, she doesn't really know what she would do.
You need yo do what is right for you and your family.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 15/02/2012 19:42

I wonder if your sister is jealous (for want of a better word) of the time and money your parents will be spending on/with their grandchildren, rather than her? Is she the younger/youngest and maybe is having her nose put a wee bit out of joint?

Bobyan · 15/02/2012 20:33

Tell your sister to pay your mortgage for you and if she can't tell her bugger off and mind her own business.
I work part time and have 2 small dc's. I love the time I have at home with them and I equally love the time I get to exercise my mind at work, talking to people who aren't child focused.
I have recently started a great job, that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been considered for it had I had a long SAHM gap on my CV.

Give work a chance and you might find you love it and as a result feel more forfilled when your at home with your baby. Good luck!

Cherriesarelovely · 15/02/2012 22:34

I have worked PT since DD was 6 mths old. She went to my mum while I was teaching. I was exhuasted at first but the time that she spent with my mum was literally magical and they have the MOST wonderful relationship now. They did not have a bad day in 4 and a half years! I love my job and am so glad I kept my hand in (I actually didn't have a choice as I was a single mum then). At the time I was jealous of my friends who were able to be FT mums but I am really happy about what happened now. Some of my friends who stayed at home are still very happily doing so, others wish they had gone back to work. We are all different! Good luck OP, you are certainly not doing anything wrong!

BreconBeBuggered · 15/02/2012 23:11

YANBU. Somebody's always going to judge you for your choices, whatever they are. Some people just can't help pulling on those judgy pants. All you can do is decide what's best for you and your family.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/02/2012 23:19

You're working part time and leaving your kids with grandparents - this is an ideal for most mothers! We need my salary, so I will have to work full time and put baby in nursery.

You are very lucky and this sounds like a great balance !

Original poster
WashingMachineAlwaysOn · 19/02/2012 08:25

Hi,
just wanted to say thanks again for the posts on here, really helped me get some perspective. PomBear I think you are psychic! DSis is younger and does sometimes comment that our Mum + Dad spend lots more time with me + kids etc, so she is a bit annoyed about that.

Also I managed to speak to DP about it again and he was great, reminding me that we were similar when chatting about his older brother's family before we had our own children. We thought that in an ideal world one of us would be at home etc... But having children isn't always how you imagine it!

I made the effort also to speak to two friends who WOH part time and they both explained that they missed their kids when they went back to work, but enjoyed their days at home more afterwards.

I'm now looking forward to trying my new part time plans. We have thought it through and I start back on Tues so wish me luck!

OP posts:
PopcornBiscuit · 19/02/2012 09:14

Good luck! :) Glad you've found a solution you're looking forward to.

Would you be able to afford a cleaner to come in once a week, to do the basics, when you're back at work? Would take the pressure off you with the housework.