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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this friend is a dick

69 replies

MilkNoSugarAndAShotofWhisky · 15/02/2012 07:29

We have a mutual friend, this mutual friend is 20w pg with dc4 ..sadly they've just found out that baby has various problems that are most likely "incompatible with life" they're having further tests but it doesn't look good

DickFriend, on hearing the news, said to MutualFriend "it'd Be so sad if it was your first baby but I guess its not really a big deal as you've already got DC1,2,3" Hmm

Then told her it was clearly gods way of saying "you've got to many kids!"

What the actual fucking Jeff?!

She absolutely can't see that she's done anything wrong!

OP posts:
ZhenThereWereTwo · 15/02/2012 13:46

YANBU I agree with your sentiments entirely Dickfriend clearly is devoid of empathy and you rightly called her on it. I am not sure I would want to be friends with someone so callous either. Your poor mutual friend :(

PerryCombover · 15/02/2012 14:01

I can't believe someone would say this to a friend about her preg

mrstiredandconfused · 15/02/2012 14:10

Your "friend" can't be a dick - dicks are sensitive.

She sounds utterly vile. I too have never been pg - it didn't stop me weeping like a child when a friend's dd was stillborn. Ok, it was impossible to empathise but any decent person would at the very least sympathise.

Fwiw I'd drop her like a toastie spud. Hope your friend is as ok as she can be

YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 14:12

yanbu. what a cow

WinkyWinkola · 15/02/2012 14:13

Wow. That's a stunning thing to say. People are incredible.

Just like a friend of mine who told her partially sighted friend she had a responsibility not to have any more children. Hmm

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2012 14:27

It doesn't matter if you have got children, most people will have something they can equate it to.

It's a bit like saying it doesn't matter if a much loved GP dies, after all you've got four. Tbh it's the same with most relatives, Aunties, Uncles etc.

There is no excuse for making glib comments about a person's loss, unless there is SN. It is something that needs challenging when someone does it.

Mollydoggerson · 15/02/2012 14:33

Awful.

What the hell was that fool thinking?

Cherriesarelovely · 15/02/2012 14:46

That is dreadful. Your poor friend x

aquafunf · 15/02/2012 14:50

mmm, i was told by a friend once that she took less risks with her pfb than i did with my kids because she was an only child and therefore it would be worse if her child died as i had another one.

i resisted the temptation to remind her of this when she did have a second child 10 years later.

well done OP, Cunt indeed.

sweetkitty · 15/02/2012 14:54

A good friend once said to me that maybe the baby I was losing must be a boy andI already had 2 girls so I'm probably not able to carry boys.

Have also heard someone say that it is far worse for a mother who only had one child for that child to have leukaemia than a mother who has other children.

Portofino · 15/02/2012 15:01

YANBU. What a horrible cow! Once, one of my colleagues was telling me that he was a bit upset that day as his unborn dd had just been diagnosed with a cleft palette at 20 week scan. I was trying to be reassuring that there is so much that they can do these days and how the hospital will be able to address her needs straight away etc etc.

Another (female) colleague came past, listened to part of the conversation then said "Oh well, there is still time to get rid of it - you can forget this one and make another perfect one." We stood there in Shock Some people know no shame.

GoingForGoalWeight · 15/02/2012 15:20

Ignorant. Mutual friend needs to get in practice of engaging brain before speaking. How hurtful. She needs educating. The amount of ignorance about SN etc is atonishingm from alll walks of life. I experience this a lot as my DS is SN. :( It can be very painful and isolating. I really feel for your friend. x

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 16/02/2012 00:38

WannaBe, yes it is a slightly different scenario but I will say to you what I should have said to my friend: the guy is deaf and is quite happy being deaf. So I guess that although he knows the problems associated with it he values life more than deafness iyswim. To me my friend saying that he shouldn't have had more children devalues his life. He is fine with signing. It is a recognised language in new Zealand ( where I am). His children are confident. It's not an insurmountable problem to them.

Original poster
MilkNoSugarAndAShotofWhisky · 16/02/2012 07:58

Hmm Angry we had a row about it last night....during that row, she told me that its MFs FAULT(!) because she drank when pg and because she said she wants a boy (MF has 3 girls)

MF found out she was pg at 12weeks...she had drunk on two nights out...nothing crazy and not regularly and heavily....and frankly even if she'd had 3 bottles of vodka a night, that has nothing to do with what's happening now

When she found out she was pg, she joked that this was her chance for a boy finally...how the actual fuck does this have anything to do with anything? The baby is in fact a girl...but she is much loved and desperately wanted...gender played no part in that

I effectively ended our friendship last night....I'm so angry ay her that I can't see how I can ever not be

I'm so desperately sad for MF.

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 16/02/2012 08:14

Quite a lot of people put their feet in their mouths spectacularly when confronted with an awkward situation and trying to say something vaguely comforting, but that is unbelievable! The first thing she said just might be a terrible lack of tact - her (completely inappropriate) way of trying to put a "look on the bright side" slant on things - but her second comment is truly bloody awful and cannot be excused whatever way you look at it. Well done you for making a stand on it and condolences to your friend. Sad

spanky2 · 16/02/2012 08:32

Sweetkitty, I cannot believe someone told you that, it is the kind of thing you keep in your head and don't say aloud. I am really sorry for your loss and have no idea the pain you must have gone through. I cannot believe the insensitivity and plain nastiness of people. It doesn't matter when or how or how many dc you have you still don't have the one that died. My friend had recurrent miscarriages and I think someone told her that. Although she ended up having a girl and a boy. I think I would drop these women.

NeedlesCuties · 16/02/2012 08:43

So sorry for your friend OP that a so-called 'friend' could be so insensitive to her at a time like this.

Hope she and her family (including her unborn DC4) are ok and surrounded by love.

I have a friend a bit like your 'dick' friend :( He makes jokes about people with learning disabilities and I've got into rows with him about how awful that makes him. Some people just really have no clue.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 16/02/2012 09:06

Disgusting attitude. Angry At first I thought dick friend was being shockingly insensitive but by the sound of it, dick friend is simply a nasty person with a foul mouth.

Mya2403 · 16/02/2012 10:53

What an insensitive bum face OP he deserves a slap or atleast taking down a peg or ten.

sweetkitty · 19/02/2012 22:04

spanky2 - my own Mother told me as I was miscarrying that maybe it was for the best as 3 kids would have been expensive! When I got pregnant again withing 6 weeks she was horrified as she had told everyone I wasn't having anymore and would "they" allow me to get pregnant so soon. Anyway could write a book on my mother. After my mc I went on to have DD3 and the comments I got about her being another DD as if I cared after losing a baby, she's even more precious as her brother or sister died. I also went on to have a DS so her assumptions were untrue. I often think of the baby I lost, it never leaves you.

Still shocke your friend actually said that OP, does she often say things like that, you know outspoken and downright cruel?

spanky2 · 20/02/2012 18:52

I don't know what to say about you Mum's comments. You could start a thread of other 'Mother's Wisdoms'. All we can do is learn from their mistakes.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 20/02/2012 19:51

Bit of a hijack, but Wannabe, I have learnt sign language from a deaf tutor. If you are deaf, you have a culture and a language that does make you separate from the hearing world, but people who are deaf often don't have any desire to hear. They are happy with their lives and can live perfectly independently. A deaf person may actually prefer to have a deaf child. I know as a hearing person that may seem ridiculous, but it's true.

DublinMammy · 20/02/2012 19:54

What a stupid fucking bitch.

I had a miscarriag last year and when I told a friend about it she said, "That's awful. Did you have a whinge and a big glass of wine?". Some people are twats.

ShagOBite · 20/02/2012 19:56

What a truly awful thing to say. :(

My mother, when hearing I was expecting twins, suggested I abort them and try again. Hmm When one was stillborn she didn't carry along in that vein but it clouded my feelings towards her a lot.

Who the fuck does your friend think she is to say that sort of thing, then to try and justify it? What a twat. :(

ShagOBite · 20/02/2012 19:59

Oh, and I also had people assuming I wouldn't grieve because "at least you have one healthy baby". Fortunately most people do have compassion.