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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to base my new home on where my sister would like to live?

42 replies

somanymiles · 15/02/2012 01:55

Some honest advice needed here. I am moving back to the UK after 9 years away. My Mum lives in S London and my sister just outside London. My husband has his dream job just near Trafalgar Square. My preference would be to live somewhere green and leafy - we have 3 children. BUT hubbie wants to cycle to work at least one day a week, and not to have a long/expensive commute. Anyway, we had settled on Streatham as having a lovely big common and within 10 miles of both our parents and his work place. When I told my sister she flipped on the basis that she would never want to live there. Seems she had been seriously considering moving to be nearer us when I returned to the UK, but wants to live somewhere much less urban, which won't work for hubbie.She thinks he is BU for wanting to cycle. I can't please them both, and while I'd prefer somewhere quieter myself, I was happy with our decision. Now my sister is barely speaking to me. What should I do?

OP posts:

DodieSmith · 15/02/2012 02:01

Ignore her, do what's best for you. Or you'll be posting on here in a years time about how it's all gone wrong.

LineRunner · 15/02/2012 02:13

Does your sister live on her own, and is she a bit lonely? I'm trying to get my head round her thinking. She seems to have invested an awful lot in your return if she is prepared to move. (Or is that not such a big deal for her?)

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2012 02:20

You can please all of the people some of the time...

Original poster

somanymiles · 15/02/2012 03:08

LineRunner, She has a long term partner but things are not going well. Yes, she has invested a lot in my return, I think - maybe as some sort of compensation for a rubbish relationship? We have always been close.

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 15/02/2012 03:42

How honest can you be with her? I'd ask her why she was so invested in being so close and is she OK? Obviously you need to live where works for you (but Streatham, really? ) and your sister should understand that.

LineRunner · 15/02/2012 03:45

Crikey. Tricky one. Where does your mum fit into this? Are you both close to her, too (emotionally)?

I think you're right, OP, and this needs careful handling.

Original poster

somanymiles · 15/02/2012 05:35

We're both relatively close to Mum but she and my sister have a stormy relationship - I'm the calming influence in the family. Yes, Streatham isn;t ideal but I need to be withing 10 miles of Coulsdon (my Mum), Norbury (DH's parents) and Trafalgar Square (DH's work)... unless I tell DH he just has to put up with a crappy commute, which doesn't feel right to me.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 15/02/2012 05:40

I wouldnt want to live in Streatham either however, given the financial commitment house buying involves, then your dSis is rather ridiculous to think that you should be buying property in a place that suits her.

Coulsden/Norbury as in Croydon? You are still within 10 miles of T/sq if you looked @ Bromley or Kingston and you wouldnt have that treck across London to get to either parents.

Squitten · 15/02/2012 07:11

You can't base your decision on your sister's needs! She's being silly.

FWIW, Crystal Palace is next to Streatham and much nicer with lots of green space! :)

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 15/02/2012 07:24

I know you say you've always been close, but if she's 'flipped' over a decision that no-one in their right mind would consider to be anything but you and your husband's business, that hints at a worrying tendency to manipulation and a rather large sense of entitlement!

So if you want to stay close on your return, I'd make it completely clear to her now that you're astonished at her reaction and none too pleased to think that she would consider this to be her business - and 'flipping' over it is going to drive you both very firmly away from her.

diddl · 15/02/2012 07:28

Tell her when she buys you a house she gets to say where it is!

TBH though, if the location was also based on husband cycling to work, he´d have to be doing it more than once a week, otherwise that would be out of the equation.

jendot · 15/02/2012 07:41

Why not get your husband to commute from coulsdon? If you live close to coulsdon south station it takes 50 mins to get to London bridge or Victoria. 5 trains an hour, 2 lines so rarely problems. He can take his bike on the train and cycle from the Station? Or keep a bike in central london (just make sure it is one no one wants to steal) and cycle from the station. It's green and leafy and non urban, the schools on the whole are ok!

Streatham.. Have you been there recently?? Its not somewhere I would 'chose' to move to by choice.. Have you looked into schools? IMHO There are far more important things to consider than the commute!!

troisgarcons · 15/02/2012 07:50

Cycling will save on fares.

Chandon · 15/02/2012 07:59

agree, what about schools? Make sure you do your research well.

What would the same money buy you outside London?

If you have done your research you can explain to your sister why you chose to live where.

I would listen to her, but not blindly do as she tells you IYSWIM

lisianthus · 15/02/2012 09:22

Streatham is fine and you will get blackberries on the common in the autumn. (feels obliged to stick up for it!)

NotWell · 15/02/2012 09:26

I also think you need to seriously look at your husbands reasons...I totally get wanting to live close enough to cycle...but once a week isnt enough to make Streatham your home.

Have you been there recently? I would also check out the schools...not that your sis has any say but maybe because she is here...in the UK, she has more idea.

IvanaHumpalot · 15/02/2012 09:40

Have you had a look at Herne Hill, Dulwich areas, Brockley, Greenwich, Blackheath? Green and leafy (for Lon-don).

sue52 · 15/02/2012 09:45

None of your sister's business. She sounds selfish and childish.

shineonyoucrazydiamond · 15/02/2012 09:48

What has it got to do with her exactly?

YANBU. Base your decision on where works for you and DH, that's complicated enough without adding extra people and what they want to the equation.

MrsWifty · 15/02/2012 09:50

I lived in Streatham for 10 years, near the common, and loved it - but it really isn't green and leafy. The parts nearer Tooting Bec are though - Furzedown area. Cynthia Payne lives there :)

(Also, YANBU)

TheCunningStunt · 15/02/2012 09:53

YANBU for wanting to live where suits your family. YABU for using the term "hubbie"

Levantine · 15/02/2012 09:56

Nothing wrong with streatham! Yanbu op

Charlotteperkins · 15/02/2012 09:57

With 3 young DCs I think you need to prioritise proximity to open space/ schools/ childcare over 'I want to ride a bicycle' (humming Queen).

mistlethrush · 15/02/2012 09:59

My MiL lives in Blackheath - can walk to Greenwich Park, easy walk to the station and decent connection in in the mornings.

TeaandHobnobs · 15/02/2012 10:08

Oi! stop dissing Streatham!
If you want green and leafy, the Balham/Tooting Bec side is best, or push on up past Balham to Wandsworth Common area. Herne Hill/Dulwich is very nice, but I found it incredibly boring there (takes ages to walk to anything resembling civilisation, but in Streatham you can live on a nice quiet street but have everything you need at the end of the road).
Blackheath is gorgeous, but for me, I would find it a bit out of the way - not sure how far it would be to cycle. However trains go into Charing X I guess, which must be a bonus for your DH?
Oh and your sister IBU.

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