To refuse to let ExMIL have DD overnight?

[muminthecity]

There is a massive backstory to this, the basic jist is that DD's father was violent and abusive towards me, and shit with DD. I finally walked away when she was 1 (she's 6 now.) He had contact for a while but it was sporadic and he was never very interested in her. He stopped contact 4 years ago and I've never heard from him since.

ExMIL has maintained contact with DD, she sees her about once a month and is good with her, she obviously loves DD. However, she has gone against my wishes a few times in the past when looking after DD. I have only recently been able to trust her to have DD at her house for the odd afternoon here and there. DD always comes back happy, laden with gifts and has a good time. DD is due to go there on Thursday for the day and ExMIL has now asked if she can have her overnight. DD's cousin, who is around the same age as DD will also be staying the night, she and DD adore each other but don't get to see each other often.

My main reasons for saying no are:

1. I am worried that Ex might show up there, planned or not, which would confuse and upset DD.

1. MIL lives with her boyfriend, I don't know him very well at all, only met him twice, and I don't trust MIL's judgement when it comes to men.

1. That family are generally trouble, I have witnessed so many fights and arguments in that house which I wouldn't want DD to be exposed to. In fairness, all of her sons have moved out so there is unlikely to be any trouble now unless one or more of them turned up there.

So what do you think? AIBU?

No way would I even consider it. If the short daytime contact is just about working, I'd leave it at that.

I think it would be lovely if you could bring yourself to say "yes", but understand your reservations.

No, I wouldn't be happy about it given the circumstances.

This is your DD, who is still young, so YANBU, even if DD is disappointed.

I see why you feel bad for saying no, but if it was me and I've been in a very similar position and said no so I would definately say no now. Is there no chance DD's can have a sleepover at your house at some point?

YANBU. I think its brilliant that you have managed to keep the contact with XMIL but an overnight is too much at the moment, particularly as you say, XP could potentially come round.

However the way to solve your concerns (or not) about XMILs boyfriend is to get to know him! I would keep going with the afternoon contact but see if there's a way you can understand their set-up a bit better. And invite DDs cousin round for a sleepover at yours?

Thank you for your posts. I do feel bad for DD but think I'm doing the right thing by her. No chance of cousin coming here unfortunately, I don't have a good relationship with either of her parents. Not much chance of getting to know MIL's boyfriend either, I don't get invited there, only DD (which I don't mind.)

You're right to say no. She is far far too young to be able to handle anything - such as the things you mention - going wrong when she is staying there. When she is a teenager maybe, if she wants to, but not now. Stick to your guns.

Agree with WilsonFrickett, you are amazing OP just to be maintaining contact with MIL. YACompletelyNBU to say no, if it's your gut instinct stick with. I always regret it when I don't trust my instincts, but you can never go back

YANBU but risks are mitigated somewhat buy another girl being there. Plus MIL has a lot to lose if anything unexpected arises eg your ExH turning up - as it would mean she'd lose her contact with your DD. But if it doesn't feel right don't do it. Could DD have a sleepover at the cousin's house instead?

Your DD is only 6, YANBU. I would not let her stay either, particularly with new boyfriend of MIL whose judgement in men you do not trust.

If you cannot guarantee that your MIL can safeguard your DD, in any way then she should not have over night access until your DD is a lot older and is then more secure. If fights and arguements are a way of life, your MIL will not see them as something that shouldn't happen in front of a child.

This situation only arises because the circle is allowed to continue, make it clear that you want your DD to be set a good example of how life should be. I would get to know her boyfriend.

"cannot safeguard"

I wouldn't let her stay overnight, no. I think you are doing really well to let her go as you do, I probably wouldn't given all the facts in your OP.

YANBU. I wouldn't be letting her stay either. Trust your instincts on this.

Yanbu. Say yes once and .....

YADNBU- I think it sounds like you've handled it brilliantly and your judgement is spot on.

When you say However, she has gone against my wishes a few times in the past when looking after DD. what does that exactly mean? It's a bit vague, it could be anything from allowing her a tin of coke to keeping her up past bed time to smoking round her to ummm something sinister drum roll

I'm going to play devils advocate here: DD is due to go there on Thursday for the day - what happens at night that cannot happen in the day? Does your Ex not visit in the day? Does MILS P suddenly become a werewolf if there is a full moon? People only argue under the cover of darkness?

Double check you reasons for not wanting her to go and whether they are valid concerns or just whether you don't want her to go. Big difference.

I think 6 is quite young for an overnight stay unless it's with somebody that both you and DD have complete confidence in.

I don't see why someone stops being a grandparent just because their offspring is no longer involved with the grandchild's mother. However, there's no law stating that grandparents MUST have contact, is there?

Anyway, I like to think I'd be reasonable enough for my child to visit his or her grandparent(s) but I don't see why an overnight stay would be necessary. When you're sleeping, you're not interacting any more. I think 6 is too young. When she knows her own mind better maybe then I'd let her stay over as long as I felt I could trust the MIL's bf.

No way.

'what happens at night that cannot happen in the day?'

In terms of your DD having contact with her grandmother and cousins, which is the important thing and which you are going the extra mile to maintain, absolutely NOTHING. So she doesn't need to stay overnight. There is no extra quality to the contact. There is nothing that anyone is missing out on, save the excitement of a sleepover.

The important thing, I think, is for you to maintain the boundaries you are comfortable with, and for MIL to see clearly that there are boundaries. That you trust her to take care of her for short periods, but that you do not give 'free rein'. I think the message that is being sent is the important thing.

I'd feel exactly the same way. In a house where fights and arguments are the norm, in a 'rough' family atmosphere - yes, evenings and nights are exactly when it all tends to kick off. I'm guessing that the norm in your MIL's house isn't for evening time to mean everyone settling down with the Ovaltine, but for people to start drinking and getting loud, for people that your DD won't know to turn up, and if the sons are going to show up it'll be in the evening when everyone's had a few. I bet you don't trust your MIL not to have a drink, or not to pop out and leave the children with her boyfriend. Lots of things. The bottom line is, you know the ropes with how they run the home, you consider the evenings to be different and aren't happy with your DD being there. That's all that needs to be considered.

Given that you clearly consider contact to be important and are making an effort to maintain it, carry on trusting your instincts.

Personally I think I would let her go, I think that if you trust her to have DD for a whole day then an overnight visit under these circumstances is reasonable. If she isn't going to see her cousin (or spend much time with her) and this is her only chance to me that is a bond worth fostering.

After our kids grow up and move out, family of their own age will be very important, and not knowing if she has siblings or other cousins, perhaps this family relationship be important to her in later life.

It may be uncomfortable to make that leap of faith, but if she is capable and there is no reason to question her safety (I know you don't know the boyfriend, but he's there in the day too. Unless you think he is a danger, in which case visits should be on neutral territory, not MIL's house).

Yanbu after all you have said. I would not let a child of mine stay anywhere that made me uneasy. Trust your instincts on this. Exmil is very lucky you let her have the contact that you do, the fact that you aren't given the same courtesy regarding meeting her boyfriend or being invited into their home makes me feel that you should maintain the same level of daytime contact that you are doing but no overnights.

It's a shame that the cousins can't see each other other than this sleepover, but if the cousins parents won't facilitate it I don't think there's much you can do.

In your case I would say no. When your DD is older and your MIL has proved you can trust her again, I would reevaluate but till then go with your gut feelings.

Its ok to say no and for your dd to be a bit dissapointed , saying that your dd comes back from grannys very happy no sign of any trouble so why would there be trouble on an overnight iyswim , but If you are uncomfy with the idea then of course say no ,