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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To advise DH to just cut & run completely?

31 replies

gigglepin · 14/02/2012 19:16

So MIL is dying, wont be too long now Sad

There have been loads of conversations, and discussions between DH, MIL, FIL & BIL regrding wills, and the family home.

FIL has for years and years run up debts, horrendous debts. MIL for the last 5 years has kept a tight ship with the money side of things. When she has gone, FIL will just let everything go to shit.
No doubt about it, the house will be repossessed and there will be allot of debt.

BIL (aged 36) still lives at home and DH wanted to make plans, and legal documents to safe gusrd the house. Its impossible.

He is getting stressed about the waste of it. Also about his brother becoming homeless.

So, i have gently suggested to DH that he advises his bro to get a wee flat and move out ASAP. And that they both cut all ties with their dad when thier mum has gone.

Its just not worth any of the stress and upset and arguments its out of thier control and so they need to step away.

OP posts:
Bibbo · 14/02/2012 19:20

Bit harsh to cut all ties with your widowed FIL don't you think?

But yes it sounds like time for BIL to move out. Then if FIL does make a mess of things financially and loses the house, he won't take anyone else down with him.

But as for safeguarding the property.... it's not your DH's to safeguard I'm afraid. If your FIL spends the lot, so what? it's his money.

buggyRunner · 14/02/2012 19:23

It's only money I wouldnt cut ties with fil just as he is crap with cash

EDRefugee · 14/02/2012 19:23

Why is BIL still living at home? (That is, is he okay to move out and live on his own?)

Are your DH and BIL concerned about FIL, or the waste of money?

Vinomcstephens · 14/02/2012 19:23

I sympathise with what you're saying, but have you looked at ways at helping your FIL so he doesn't lose the house? I mean, while he owns it and it hasn't been repossessed, there's surely still hope? For example, if your BIL is living there, can he make the mortgage payments himself - I assume he's paying rent, can that be paid directly to the lender instead, to make sure at the very least the mortgage doesn't go into arrears? I really do get what you're saying but I think maybe looking for a solution to the problem, instead of anticipating the worst might be better? I'm sorry for the tough time you're having.

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 19:24

so is your husband only speaking to his Dad in the hope of getting an inheritance then?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/02/2012 19:25

I agree bil should move out, but he should probably have done that by now anyway unless there is a particular reason why he couldn't.

I don't understand what there is to be gained by your dh and his DV cutting ties with their Father. Seems a bit harsh just because he is bad with money, especially when he has been widowed.

EDRefugee · 14/02/2012 19:26

If FIL has a history of running up unsustainable debts, don't have BIL make payments on the mortgage of a house that will be repossessed to pay the debts. BIL doesn't need to move out now, but he needs to be ready to move out when the house is taken by the bank.

CamperFan · 14/02/2012 19:27

There must be more to it than you have written if you want him to cut all ties with his dad? Running up horrendous debt is not great, but frankly, it is his house and if it gets repossessed then so be it.

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:28

Cutting ties with an elderly man who could potentially end up on the street? Jesus I'm glad I'm not in your family. Lots of men/women aren't great with cash if someone else has held the reins for years. I feel awful for this poor man! He'll need support not abandonment!

Original poster
gigglepin · 14/02/2012 19:28

BIL can move out, just chose not too as its cheep and he gets his washing & cooking done! He isa lovely bloke actually, never met any one yet.

FIL isnt just crap with money, there is of course a huge back story to him, it so very very long, it would take all nightt o explain. To clarify, there is NO hope whatsoever, he will cause utter utter chaos.

Its only down to MIL thta is hasnt been repossed up to now and its only down to her that he still has his family around him. DH & BIL have long given up worrying about fil, probably because he is a self centred, selfish twat of an individual who couldnt give a shiney shite about any one around him.

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 14/02/2012 19:28

Bankruptcy is an issue for your FiL and no one else.

BiL is an adult and needs to be independent

aldiwhore · 14/02/2012 19:29

Agree with bibbo

And really, at 36, your BIL should have been loooooooong gone and self suffient by now.

If your FIL decides to spend every single penny and some, that's his right to do. Maybe your FIL doesn't mind about letting everyting go to shit, maybe he allowed your MIL to keep a tight ship because that made her happy.

I think all you should do is ask your FIL to give you enough money for his own funeral for safekeeping. Then you won't be out of pocket.

I'm hoping that your MIL is priority at present, and that your posting here is simply a secondary issue... I am assuming it is. What your FIL does is his business.

My FIL has very different priorities since MIL died, and you know? Whatever gets him through is okay. DH and his brother wrote off the 'life long promise' of their family home being inherited many moons ago when reality bit and FIL got diagnosed with Alzheimers... you don't know what the future holds for your FIL. If I were you, I'd encourage him to live, regardless of how he does it, because nothing ever is the same after losing your partner, all bets are off.

Gumby · 14/02/2012 19:30

Well it's up to your bil really

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2012 19:30

Nice squeakytoy Hmm

Unless there is more to this, then cutting all ties seems very drastic (but yes watching someone dig a huge financial pit for themselves is no easy, either). Definitely sounds like some emotional distance is needed.

Does your dh feel responsible for his dad/his dad's debts? Is your BiL capable of living independently? Would either come knocking at your door if made homeless?

Ultimately you can advise your husband but he may feel obliged to keep in touch with his dad.

ToothbrushThief · 14/02/2012 19:31

Two issues.

  1. Money - it belongs to your MiL's spouse. What he does with it is his business. Frustrating to see it go up in a puff of smoke but if he intended a world tour on the money would you say he couldn't?

  2. Relationship with FiL who you despise - Don't have one?

Don't confuse the two issues and link them however

EDRefugee · 14/02/2012 19:32

BIL isn't likely to meet anyone while living at home with Mum and Dad at 36. Most women won't be over-impressed by a man who still needs mummy to do his washing and cooking.

Original poster
gigglepin · 14/02/2012 19:32

he isnt elderly, he is still in full time employment btw! And absolutely NO Dh isnt worried about inheritance, he says that he thinks he would like to carry on with mils fight, becuase she has fought so very hard for so many years to keep it all going under. He is gutted that it will all be over and within a year probably.

Its all so very Sad she just doesnt deserve this, she is a lovely lady and she has amazed me with her resiliance and her ability to stick with it, despite being led a complete dogs life for 40 years by fil. SadSadSad

OP posts:
conspire · 14/02/2012 19:37

BIL shouldn't waste his money paying a mortgage on a house thet is sure to be repossessed. I think your DH is worrying unnecessarily. Its not his house, its not his debt. BIL can house himself, FIL can piss his money up the wall. If it were me I think I might make it clear that I wouldn't be bailing him out when he is in a hole but thats just me.

EDRefugee · 14/02/2012 19:39

Well, she COULD have divorced him, forced the sale of the family home, and then distributed her share of their assets to her sons. (The debts may have swallowed any profit, of course.) But she didn't. So as long as they can stay in the house for the rest of her life, good for her. Once she sadly dies, though, tell your DH to walk away. Once FIL goes bankrupt, it might be easier for your DH to deal with him.

Original poster
gigglepin · 14/02/2012 19:39

Well thats my thinking too conspire.

Really surprised by some of the viscious answers on here! Really surprised, didnt expect that at all Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
gigglepin · 14/02/2012 19:41

We wont be dealing with him at all, im afraid i lay the cards out on the table to dh and said no way would we be bailing him out.
He feels somewhat responsible for his dad, but he isnt responsible for him.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 14/02/2012 19:43

Your MIL fought to stop things going under because she didn't want to go under.

Your FIL doesn't care.

I do not see the problem. If its not about inheritence (I believe you by the way) then what is it about? Should your FIL do things he doesn't believe are important for the memory of your MIL? That's crazy unless it comes from him.

Everything is soon to change, and no amount of 'carrying on the fight' will make a jot of difference. I am sorry for your impending loss, I've been there and its awful, the whole dynamic of the family changes and its a strange new world. However, YABU, all of you, to think that its any of your business whatsoever. Bless her, your MIL has done a good job, but it was for her security and her sons'... your BIL needs to stand on his own two feet now, you don't need that part of the security, and your FIL doesn't care... with your MIL at peace and therefore unable to be negatively affected by your FIL's life, there's no one who'll suffer but your FIL. That's his choice.

If you don't like him, loathe him in fact, cut all ties. But if you cut all ties because he doesn't want his children interfering and wants to do his own thing with what's left of his life, then YABVU.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/02/2012 19:45

It's clear that you don't like or respect your FIL, and I understand why you are concerned.

I think the reason that some of the responses you have had are quite strong (I don't think they are anywhere near vicious) is because you are trying to tell someone that they should cut contact with their one remaining parent while they are grieving for the one they have just lost.

Fil might be selfish and have some faults, but he is your husbands Dad, and your Dad is about to lose his Mum! You seem to think its ok to encourage your dh to cut contact with his own Dad, and its not. Especially at a time like this, and especially when your biggest problem with him seems to be about finances.

Original poster
gigglepin · 14/02/2012 19:53

I suggested cutting all ties..in a financial supporting role, not as father and son, sorry want clear about that.

I have said to dh that he continues to go to footy with his dad each week, and fetch him home for bacon butties so we know he is eating at least.

It IS his money, it IS his house, it IS none of any ones buisiness, i agree.

DH's priority is him mum at the moment, he is going round every day now, and comes home distraught each day as she deteriorates. He is going to miss her terribly. He was hoping, that he could still go to the house where he grew up for a cuppa with his dad & brother, when he wants to go home, and it all be the same.
Its a whole new world as you say. We have some very upsetting times ahead of us.

OP posts:
EDRefugee · 14/02/2012 19:54

Actually her DH's continued involvement with FIL will effect the OP, if her DH has any financial/legal involvement with him. I can understand her wanting to put clear blue sea between herself/her family/her DH and her FIL's finances. So I think she is right to encourage her DH to stay well out of the finances, and to make no attempt to 'save' him from his debt.

Once FIL is bankrupt, her DH may be able to offer help.