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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely lost without DD?

65 replies

Sannebanana · 14/02/2012 19:00

I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together a bit, please feel free to do so.

I had my DD in the early hours of yesterday morning. She was full term, but she weighs 3.7lbs, the same as most 32 week preemie babies. :( So she's in neonatal for the moment, I don't know when I'm going to get to bring her home. No one's said it quite this bluntly, but I know part of the reason DD is so tiny is because of my atrocious eating habits mid pregnancy. I honestly did try to get myself together and I did towards the end, but it was obviously too late by then. The good news is that there's nothing else wrong, DD's just too tiny to be let out of hospital.

I was discharged yesterday, so this is night 2 of trying to pull myself together. I just feel completely lost, but then I know that's stupid because I knew to expect this, it's not like it came out of the blue. I know it could have been a lot worse and at least I'm not far from the hospital, I can be there to see DD again first thing tomorrow morning. But I can't get on with anything else, I can't bring myself to phone friends etc because I know I'm just going to cry, I can't even walk past her room without bursting into tears. I had someone say to me that at least I won't have to cope with a newborn at home, I can have DD when she's a bit older and sleeping better, etc. Maybe they're right, but I want the difficult bit! I don't want DD to feel like I've abandoned her, which I know is completely pathetic and she's not even going to remember any of this when she's older. I know people who've had it much worse than this with their new babies and they haven't fallen apart, I can't understand why I have. I'm normally so good at keeping it together!

So please go ahead and tell me I'm being completely unreasonable, I think that's what I need. But gently if possible!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2012 19:03

YANBU. But this will all fade in your mind when you have her home. And YABVVVVVVVU to think that the eating made any difference, unless you were eating heroin and crack butties. Babies are parasites and will get what they need. It will be your hair and teeth falling out, they are fine in there.

CailinDana · 14/02/2012 19:05

How you're feeling is completely and utterly normal. Your newborn feels like a part of you and when you're away from them it feels like you're missing a limb. That's exactly the way it should be. Your DD is lucky to have a loving mother who loves her deeply and misses her like crazy. It would be far more worrying if you were sitting at home happy as larry not a bit bothered.

Worrying, missing your child, feeling lost without them, needing their presence are all parts of being a mum! Welcome to the club :)

I hope your DD is home with you very soon.

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:06

Definitely not unreasonable AT ALL. You poor thing. If ANYONE tells you to pull yourself together they need a slap. The baby blues are bad enough when you have the LO, I imagine it's a million times worse when they're not with you. All the best to you and your new family x

knackeredmother · 14/02/2012 19:07

Op I didn't want to read and run. Your eating habits DID NOT cause your baby to be small and none of the medical staff are thinking this. Please talk to ten about your worry so they can reassure you and that front. My very beat wishes for you and your new family x

EdnaClouds · 14/02/2012 19:08

Oh sweetheart you are not being unreasonable at all. I think most mums would be the same way. You've had her with you every second of the last nine months so it's no wonder you feel lost. I'm not sure there is much that will make you feel better but just remember that this period will pass soon enough and you will have your baby girl home.

And congratulations on the birth of your dd

marriedinwhite · 14/02/2012 19:08

OP - I can't give you reasons why your baby is so tiny but it might not be because of your diet.

It's great that everything else is OK except that she's small.

It's perfectly normal to be hormonal even with a normal birthweight baby, it's perfectly normal to be irrational and upset at that time too.

You have a tiny baby in a neo-natal unit. That is very hard. It isn't what you were expecting and much of what you feel is hormones, grief and disappointment at not having a baby to bring home.

It would be a good idea to get unbroken rest and be strong. It would be a good idea to eat well. You haven't said who is looking after you but I hope someone is there to love you as much as you love your daughter.

Good luck OP.

lagrandissima · 14/02/2012 19:09

Go easy on yourself. You've just given birth - everyone feels inside out at the best of times.

No point beating yourself up over the your previous eating habits. Get some support from family and friends, have a good meal, try to get some sleep.

If you want to do something practical to help your LO - and I'm not sure this is an option for you - but perhaps you could start trying to express milk. You're probably only producing colostrum at the mo, but ask at SCBU if you can squeeze some out for them to give to her.

If they can lend you a pump and some milk bags or bottles, then you could try to express some milk for her (although will take a couple more days for your milk to come in). Also, ask the SCBU if you can have some skin-on-skin contact, as this will help you bond with your LO and help with milk production. Google 'kangaroo care' for more info.

Hope this helps. This time will pass, and things will get better.

MrsMcEnroe · 14/02/2012 19:12

Yup I agree with what's been said above. Congratulations on your DD . I have seen some of your other posts and, given what you've been through recently, you really, really deserve a break.

Of course you are missing your baby; it must be horrible and I can't imagine how bereft you must feel (I couldn't leave my DCs for more than a few minutes when they were newborns; I felt anxious if I was in the toilet and they were in the next room). But you need to take care of yourself; please TRY to get some sleep and to eat something, and please please please stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault. Try to look on this time as a chance to get some rest and to process what has happened - you have given birth! It's a HUGE thing! - so that you can be there for your DD when you need to.

Are you allowed to spend as much time with her in the neonatal unit as you want to?

Best wishes to you and your DD. Does she look like you? Have you thought of a name yet?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 14/02/2012 19:13

Coming home from hospital without your baby is so, so hard. I bet those people you mention just fell apart quietly, in private. No one finds new parenthood easy, and when your baby isn't well its even harder. Walking out of hospital and leaving my baby behind is one of the hardest things I've had to do.

Have a good cry, try to stop feeling guilty, try to get some sleep. Things will get better.

Once your dd gets big enough, you can sit there all day cuddling her, and not feel like you should get up and clean the house, or have to entertain visitors, like you would at home.

Groovee · 14/02/2012 19:15

You poor thing ((((hugs)))) I'm sure dd will be fine but ask when she may come home and don't blame yourself. My dd was small for dates but I am petite too and I could only stomach chips when pregnant with her.

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2012 19:18

How lovely you have a new baby. I'm so jealous!

So sorry to hear you're so upset, OP, but congratulations on a beautiful baby.

Just take care of yourself tomorrow and the next day - it's really common to be hit by a bout of crying on the third day - you may not know why you're so upset, but just let it all out and you'll be much happier.

Have the doctors given any reason why she's so small? Did you know that babies born in really poor areas of the world aren't significantly smaller than British babies? As someone said above, they are parasites and will take whatever they need. Please don't worry. Just enjoy these early days with your new baby.

Punkatheart · 14/02/2012 19:20

You have a beautiful new baby and you are going to be a fabulous mother. Sending gentle hugs and wishes for your new life.

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 19:25

YANBU to miss your baby YABU to think this is your fault her weight is being sorted , I had 2 little babies under 5Lbs 1 was in neonatal its awful but she is int he best place , congrats on your little baby and i hope she is home soon x

Tiredtrout · 14/02/2012 19:25

Congratulations on your new dd, You've been through so much with this pg and sometimes babies just don't get very big. It's not unreasonable at all to be miserable that she isn't with you, talk to the NICU though, they may be able to find a room for you at the hospital, when my dd was poorly in PICU they found me a bed to sleep on in the hospital so I could be there if I was needed.

I hope she starts growing for you well, and you get to keep your MIL away

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 19:25

is in *

Bossybritches22 · 14/02/2012 19:27

Congratulations on the baby! You are bound to be a bundle of hormones and stress, totally expected so don't beat yourself up.

Rest as much as you can & feed yourself up with good food to get that milk going for when baby can BF, that's the best thing you can do for her at the moment.

Have a good cry, a nice bath and try and get some sleep while you can!

sunshineoutdoors · 14/02/2012 19:27

I was tiny when I was born and spent some time (a week or two I'm not certain exactly) in an incubator even though I was not premature, so similar to your dd. I am a very happy, well adjusted adult and have a lovely relationship with my mum who I love to bits. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this is for you now, and know every part of you must be screaming to be with your baby but I just wanted to reassure you that it will not affect the bond or relationship that you have with your daughter one bit.

It's good you are trying to focus on the positives but don't feel bad for finding it difficult, it is difficult, keep trying to look forward to when you get to take her home though. Thinking of you both and sending my thoughts.

SplatSplatSplat · 14/02/2012 19:35

Congratulations on your little bundle.

I don't have anything to add to what others have said, but do take care of yourself and I hope she is back with you soon. ((hug))

Original poster

Sannebanana · 14/02/2012 19:39

Sorry- by the eating thing I mean I wasn't really eating at all. I think I had 3 or 4 days when I lived on herbal tea, though that was the very worst, it wasn't that bad all the time. But I wasn't eating anywhere close to enough either.

Marriedinwhite my mum's with me at the moment :) lagrandissima I'll ask about that tomorrow, thanks.

OP posts:

trixie123 · 14/02/2012 19:50

OP please don't feel you've caused this. 3-4 days is not the end of the world - as others have said, if it was that then babies in areas of the world with very poor diets would all be underweight and they're not. Regardless, YANBU to feel upset but you have a beautiful new daughter so please try to celebrate that and work with the staff on the neo-natal unit to see what you can do to spend time with her. Don't get hung up on the whole bonding thing - with both of my DCs I cared for them but didn't "bond" until they were old enough to show some kind of response - BF was minimal and delayed due to CS and my own choice but I see no difference in my relationships with them now than with my friends who did entirely the opposite. I am sending you very unmumsnetty ((hugs)) but also a slight kick up the backside - there ARE people (and I know a couple) who very nearly didn't get to bring their baby home at all so please try to count your blessings.

puglet123 · 14/02/2012 19:51

OP congratulations!!! My DD was born at 32 weeks weighing 3.5lbs so very similar. She was fine but had to learn to suck to be able to take milk. She was in the SCBU for 3weeks and it was like losing a limb!! You haven't done anything wrong - and you can start to take part in her care. I used to change my DD nappy etc - I felt useful. You will start to feel better the more involved you are - best of luck - and congratulations!

MerrilyWatkins · 14/02/2012 19:52

Sanne, it really doesn't matter that you didn't eat well for a short while, your baby will have taken all that she needed from your body's reserves. If she needed calcium and you were not eating any then it would have come from your bones, if you have caused any damage then it will be to your body not your baby's. Her low birth weight could have been caused by many things, maybe you placenta was dying as mine was when my 39wk 5lb baby was born. My baby was tiny and believe me I was eating like a horse!

The important thing is that you eat properly now because this is the time when she really does need you to be well.

Congratulations!

featherbag · 14/02/2012 19:52

Oh darling, with all you've been through lately YADNBU to feel rubbish - I had to leave my newborn DS in NICU for over 3 weeks (born at 32 weeks) and I felt wretched, and everything else in my life was as it should be! Be kind to yourself, your eating habits are very unlikely to have caused this. Is there even one person you could call to come be with you? Even if they just keep handing you tissues/chocolate and make soothing noises, it would be better for you, no?

BTW - my DS is now 19 weeks and is sitting on my knee giggling at me (because it's bedtime, obviously!) - those horrid early weeks really are a distant memory already, even though it only feels like a week or two ago! It will get better, I promise xxx

rhondajean · 14/02/2012 19:54

Oh sweetheart YANBU! I had a very similar experience to puglet with dd2 and all I can say is, you know she is safe and cared for, and if it's any consolation, we adore each other.

You have had a horrible time, but your little one is here now and safe x

marriedinwhite · 14/02/2012 19:56

So glad to hear your mum's with you - have been worried as a mum to big'uns. Try to remember that you are your mum's baby and she's putting you before your daughter (that's something you will understand much later). She will probably say all the wrong things but it will be out of concern and love for you because as your dd has become your number one priority you are hers.

Congratulations on becoming a mummy btw.

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