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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely lost without DD?

65 replies

Sannebanana · 14/02/2012 19:00

I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together a bit, please feel free to do so.

I had my DD in the early hours of yesterday morning. She was full term, but she weighs 3.7lbs, the same as most 32 week preemie babies. :( So she's in neonatal for the moment, I don't know when I'm going to get to bring her home. No one's said it quite this bluntly, but I know part of the reason DD is so tiny is because of my atrocious eating habits mid pregnancy. I honestly did try to get myself together and I did towards the end, but it was obviously too late by then. The good news is that there's nothing else wrong, DD's just too tiny to be let out of hospital.

I was discharged yesterday, so this is night 2 of trying to pull myself together. I just feel completely lost, but then I know that's stupid because I knew to expect this, it's not like it came out of the blue. I know it could have been a lot worse and at least I'm not far from the hospital, I can be there to see DD again first thing tomorrow morning. But I can't get on with anything else, I can't bring myself to phone friends etc because I know I'm just going to cry, I can't even walk past her room without bursting into tears. I had someone say to me that at least I won't have to cope with a newborn at home, I can have DD when she's a bit older and sleeping better, etc. Maybe they're right, but I want the difficult bit! I don't want DD to feel like I've abandoned her, which I know is completely pathetic and she's not even going to remember any of this when she's older. I know people who've had it much worse than this with their new babies and they haven't fallen apart, I can't understand why I have. I'm normally so good at keeping it together!

So please go ahead and tell me I'm being completely unreasonable, I think that's what I need. But gently if possible!

OP posts:
DharmaBumpkin · 14/02/2012 19:58

Sannebanana I had hyperemesis so severe that I lost more than two stone in the first seven months of my pregnancy... Hospitalised on drips because I was getting so little in my system. My DD was a perfectly normal 8 pounder.

Honestly, it's not necessarily your fault, and you've gone through so much, don't blame yourself for it. It's okay,if not expected, to be all over the place emotionally after giving birth, just keep getting through the days any way you can, she'll be home with you soon and it'll be fine.

Huge congratulations to you both, have read your other threads, she's lucky to have such an awesome Mum.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/02/2012 19:59

Please stop blaming yourself.
I am not a medic so of course I cant tell you for sure but I think there are a lot of other reasons why you have a little baby.

Lots of women have dreadful diets and have average and large babies.

Regardless of why your DD is so small, YANBU to miss her and want to be with her.

Of course you do. It must be agony for you.

I wish you a speedy and uncomplicated reunion.

ifeelloved · 14/02/2012 20:03

Sanne - congratulations. Don't beat yourself up over this shell be fine and putting weight in on no time.

I could be wrong but from other posts it sounds like you've ha a few stressful months. It's take to take care of yourself now so that you are there for your daughter, don't worry about anyone else.

And no one is going to tell you to pull yourself together re your baby, what you're feeling is completely natural. Try and get a good nights sleep so you can have a day of cuddles tomorrow

Original poster
Sannebanana · 14/02/2012 20:35

MrsMcEnroe- she's Anouska Iris, going by Anouk :) She doesn't look completely like me but she doesn't look like H either- she looks like my sister who is gorgeous. Fingers crossed :o I'm allowed in neonatal as much as I like pretty much.

Imperialblether the doctors aren't sure why she's so tiny. They thought she could have a number of nasty sounding syndromes etc but so far she's clear, just tiny.

Tiredtrout I haven't told MIL yet. I know, terrible, but I'm a bit worried about her reaction. She hasn't phoned yet, so I'll put it off until then I think Blush

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 14/02/2012 20:41

Sannebanana That's a beautiful name and I bet she is utterly gorgeous Smile

As for your MIL - quite frankly, f*ck her. (I am loathe to use that word but I think it's merited in this instance!). Concentrate on you and Anouk. I'm glad you can see her whenever you like - that will help a lot.

Chin up my love, you are doing BRILLIANTLY.

Bunnyjo · 14/02/2012 20:44

Sanne firstly congratulations on the birth of Anouska Iris. You have been through so much so you are definitely NBU to feel rubbish and to want to be with your baby. But YABU to think that anything you have done has resulted in her low birth weight.

Much love to you both and I hope this is the start of a fantastic new chapter in your lives x

mrspnut · 14/02/2012 20:46

My eldest child was born with IUGR and was 4lb7oz, she spent 2 weeks in SCBU during which time I thought I had a baby that never cried Hmm

I got her home and she turned out to have quite a set of lungs on her and she is now a strapping 15 year old. My second baby, whose size was quite closely followed during my pregnancy turned out be born at over 10lb.

I didn't do anything particularly different between the two pregnancies and I think it was just one of those things.
Take care of yourself and make the most of this adjustment time, your baby has the best care they can get right now.

flibbertywidget · 14/02/2012 20:52

oh my darling. You poor thing. I can't imagine anything worse.

  1. Don't blame yourself - easier said than done. my DD had stopped growing at 34 weeks and was small for dates at only 5lb, she didn't even fit into preemie clothes! We just managed to keep her out of neonatal. But remember she will only be in there for a little while and as she is F/t she will put on weight very quickly. DD is now a tall, slender 5 yr old, she caught up with her peers by about 6 months

((((((((((()))))))))))

MsMarple · 14/02/2012 20:54

You poor thing, of course you feel terrible. Leaving DS in Scbu when I was discharged was the most horrible time of my life, years later I still get upset to think about it. So don't beat yourself up, just be kind to yourself and do what you can to get through. She is really in the best place at the moment, but I know that doesn't make it any easier.

It kind of helped at the time to tell him what was going on and that the doctors needed to look after him and I couldn't stay. I know he couldn't understand but I thought maybe on some subconcious level he would.

Also some units do have parent beds, and I know people who have been given beds somewhere else in the hospital too, so its worth asking if there is any possibility.

I hope she is home with you soon.

NorthernWreck · 14/02/2012 20:55

You have been through Hell lately (I remember your situation from another thread) and you need to give yourself a break.

The best thing you can do for your baby girl is to be nice to her mummy Smile
Eat the food your mum is doubtless pressing on you, take a bath, and know that you are doing your very best.

Love the name Anouska!

Good Luck x

fluffywhitekittens · 14/02/2012 21:01

I had hyperemesis in both my pregnancies so actually ate very
Little. Dd was in NICU and SCUBU born at just under 35 weeks. Ds was term and fine.
It's horrible to be without your baby. I found it very difficult that dd was not in the bed next to me for 3 nights and I stayed in with her for 10 days.
Sorry I haven't read all the replies so someone may have said this but is there anyone you can speak to at the hospital about how you're feeling?
Hopefully she'll be hope very soon

LetsKateWin · 14/02/2012 21:09

YANBU at all. I hope you get your baby home soon. x

Please don't blame yourself. I hardly ate during pregnancy as I would get full on a very tiny amount of food, and feel really full for hours after eating.

ILoveSanta · 14/02/2012 21:10

I can only echo what others have said; none of this is because of your diet! It's a mum's lot to blame themselves, but please try not to.

I hope you get your dd home soon.

She will not remember it as you say, but you can tell her when she is bigger about how you felt like you'd lost part of yourself whilst you were apart, and when she's a mother, she'll know what you meant.

Original poster
Sannebanana · 14/02/2012 21:16

Thank you so much everyone who shared similar stories, made me feel a bit better :)

I haven't spoken to the hospital, I've been too convinced that I'm being stupid. I might see if I can talk to someone tomorrow.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 14/02/2012 21:17

My ds was very small and is now a strapping 16 year old. I was small, and am 46 and not small any more, and my dh was under 5lbs and is 51 and not small either.

It could have been anything causing the smallness; I have learned not to beat myself up; none of ds's health issues were my fault; I had placental deficiency which my Mum had with me.

This will all eventually fade into the background. believe me. Just enjoy her when you get her home and big hugs. I know it's hard, we had time in SCBU and too much time on transitional care. At least you are home and can eat good food and make sure you get enough sleep for when she's home, as you'll need a reserve.

RunWorkCook · 14/02/2012 21:29

I really doubt it was your diet sometimes these things just happen. DS1 was 4.6 lbs at term and nobody was sure why, certainly nothing I did. DS2's weight at birth was unremarkable.

DS1 is now 3 and is normal sized and robust, although I expect DS2 will outgrow him at somepoint.

Congratulations on your new arrival. This all seems so huge at the moment, but once you get stuck into the real parenting bit (and by that I mean swapping with toddler tantrums and an obsession with Thomas the Tank Engine!) this bit will seem so trivial compared to all the good stuff you have to come as your DD turns into a little person in front of your eyes. Take care

smackapacca · 14/02/2012 21:31

Big sympathies OP. can't imagine how you're feeling.

Can I suggest you ask MNHQ to move this thread to get more support from others? Many people hide AIBU.

Take care Thanks

featherbag · 14/02/2012 21:33

Talk to the neonatal nurses, they are fabulous and are there to (and trained to) look after you as much as your DD. I was told this by the neonatal nurse who asked at just the wrong (or right, depending how you look at it) time how I was holding up, and got the full works sobbed at her!

Original poster
Sannebanana · 14/02/2012 21:44

Smackapacca any ideas as to where I could move to? I did consider premature birth but I thought I might feel like a bit of a fraud on there!

OP posts:
cocobeefsteak · 14/02/2012 21:47

Like MrsPnut I also had an IUGR baby who was born at 35 weeks weighing 4lb 5. I'm sure this is far more likely to be the cause of your little girl's low birthweight than any not-eating-very-much on your part.

My little boy was in SCBU for 2 weeks and I (at first) felt like every time I went in there I was getting in the way and tiring him out and shouldn't be there. I hope you don't feel like that. Spend as much with your daughter as you want to - she is yours. Cuddle her - google 'kangaroo baby care' and do skin to skin. Let her sleep in your arms.

I was still in hospital for the 2 weeks so was only across the corridor from him but whenever I wasn't with him I still felt bereft and panicked and like crying all the time because it's an instinctual thing for a mother to just want to be with and protect their newborn 24 hours a day.

NorthernWreck · 14/02/2012 21:50

I would think you would get a very kind reception in premature birth. The issues would be similar I think? (Not an expert though.)
Other parents who have babies in SCBU will know exactly how you are feeling.
Don't ever worry about what anyone else thinks of you. You know in your heart you are a good mummy and thats all that matters.

Yellowstone · 14/02/2012 21:51

YANBU at all. I was in the same boat though for different reasons. It's sounding positive though, hang on to that. And look after yourself while your DD is in the NICU so you're at your strongest when she comes out.

cutegorilla · 14/02/2012 21:56

Any new mother would be devastated to have to come home and leave their baby in hospital. You're not supposed to want to be away from her. Be kind to yourself. Hopefully she'll be home with you soon.

smackapacca · 14/02/2012 22:20

Even chat might be good? I'm not trying to insult anyone on this thread. It's just a different mindset when you come into AIBU. Feel free to ignore me though. Would you like to tell us a bit more about her?

professorsnape · 14/02/2012 22:22

Congrats!! And YANBU:)