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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just admit defeat and accept that DH is NEVER going to do anything for Valentines day EVER?

45 replies

MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:15

I only want a card. A fucking card with some nice things written in it. He does tell me he loves me quite often....probably about once every couple of weeks and I know he tells me when he feels it iyswim...so not out of "duty" or to please me.

I have been with DH for 9 years...9 YEARS. We hve 2 dc.

NOt once has he got me a valentine card...he has bought me flowers twice...when I had the children.

This year...oh God the shame...I bought my OWN card along wth one for him and I told him "There is a card for me in that bag there...could you please write in it at work tonight so I have a card to open in the morning when you get home?"

He agreed and said that he HAD remembered to buy one then forgotten instantly at the shops today...I believe this as he always does things like that.

Then he went to work...before he went I said "Have you got that card?" and he said "Oh where did I put it...yes..it's in my bag."

I just found it on the table. I am torn between just accepting it...that my sad attempt at having a card has failed and that I need to be ok with the fact that he can't seem to do it for me...OR being REALLY really mad at him for not doing it.

It was sort of funny before...that I had got my own card...we both had a laugh aboout it....but now it's just humiliating.

I don't want to sit there in the morning while he writes in it having done a night of work...and him being knackered and under pressure to write some romantic words.

I wanted hiim to write it at work tonight. He works alone and in a quiet place. Now it's all just a shitty and daft idea.

AIBU to be sitting here trying to work out whether I need to tell him to get fucked and give him some serious cold shoulder....OR....to just let it trickle off me like water of a ducks back?

Which option?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 00:18

Just accept that's how he is and move on.

He's obviously not a romantic and doesn't understand why you're 'making a fuss'

Is he thoughtful in other ways?

Because that's the most important thing imo.

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:19

It depends how you define thoughtful really. I mean...no...I don't think he IS that thoughtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:20

And surely after 9 years he should understand me? And why I'm "Making a fuss"...which I don't...not really. I do let it be known that I want some more tokens of his affection though. I have spelled it out.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 00:20

I see Sad

Then it sounds as though he just doesn't 'get' why it's important to you.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 00:21

Oh no I put 'making a fuss' in ''s because I think from what you've said, that it's how he views it.

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:22

Well now I know you to be a sensible person worra so he can fuck the fuck off. wanker.

I am going to draw a big red heart on every fucking shirt he owns. In Sharpie.

OP posts:
flibbertywidget · 14/02/2012 00:22

Move on. my DP doesn't do cards either, occasionally the odd inappropriate present. (like guitar hero game and guitar _ WTF?) I have given up trying to change him. And instead treat myself to something really nice to make up for it.

I buy him a card, although after nearly 15 yrs together, I find the whole thing meaningless shite designed to make people feel completely inferior.

I even sent flowers to myself one year to try and make him jealous. didn't register, they were nice flowers though.

Don't waste you energy on anger. hope you manage to have a nice day anyway..

Mumof1plustwins · 14/02/2012 00:23

YABU
Not everyone is into this crap
I used to get upset at DH for not being romantic but he loves me he just doesn't want to express it so much!
Your DH loves you so grab that and move on!
Smile

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:27

But if he wanted me to do some easy nod to some special day...I WOULD! HOw hard is it??? One card? bought the fucking thing for him!

I want the words...written down...something nice.

He wrote me poems when I first met him. Bad ones too! I like bad poetry.

OP posts:
lisaro · 14/02/2012 00:28

That's just him. Obviously you accept him for himself, so just give up. It's just not him, don't make him be false, although the love is there. Yeah, I can see your point, but he's with you, two kids, nothing (I surmise from your post) to worry about, so just accept it. My DP is 'sloppier' than me. It doesn't mean a bean. If you're happy, just carry on being so, without contrived (albeit lovely if it's the thing that moves you both) gestures of love.

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:29

And I wnt flowers. Every week like his Dad does for his Mum. WHY NOT???

I don't want a dozen roses...a bunch of daffs would do!!!

Maybe that's the troble. Maybe I need to expect more.

OP posts:
ComposHat · 14/02/2012 00:30

Valentine's Day is just a load of shite! I always refer to it as commercialised sex-night. It is marketed to death by card companies/restaurants/hotels and only serves to keep their profits up during the post-xmas fallow period.

Being caught in a restaurant with a load of other couples desperately trying to make the best of it, interspersed with a few soppy doe-eyed couplings who have just got together is my idea of HELL.

If your husband has difficulties expressing his feelings then that is a wider problem and does need to be addressed, but not doing it on the 14th February, on the say so of card-companies, marks him out as perfectly sane.

TopazMortmain · 14/02/2012 00:30
Sad

Yes, I think you need to concede defeat on the romantic gesture front. Doesn't make it any easier though.

Mumof1plustwins · 14/02/2012 00:30

Does he really know how much this is affecting you?
I've told my DH stuff like this and although he listens we have a lot more important issues going on that we can't be arsed with this stuff because we just know how we feel about eachother I'm a lot more secure with him than I used to be so I suppose that helps

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:31

I don't care if it IS "Contrived" I LIKE contrived! I do! To contrive means to "plan with ingenuity" but it has a bad connotation...when it's a GOOD thing!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 00:32

I don't blame you for being upset really.

It's not just about the card, it's about the fact that clearly, this is something that would make you happy, and he can't be arsed to do the tiniest bit of effort with it. That's hurtful.

I don't think we should expect everyone to care about Valentine's Day or make a big production of it, but I think it's fair to expect your partner to do something that will make you happy if you are clear about it and if it would take just a tiny bit of effort.

But I think you have another option besides getting angry or just blowing it off, which is to be honest with him and tell him you feel sad and humiliated.

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:34

compost I don't even want to go to some shit restaurant...and our sex life is excellent already...I just want a big, tacky card ffs! It's not much to ask!

WHy should I not have it? It's nothing! And yet it obviously is.

OP posts:
flibbertywidget · 14/02/2012 00:34

And I wnt flowers. Every week like his Dad does for his Mum. WHY NOT???

ha ha.. you see there OP. I have the exact same problem. My DP's dad makes his wife breakfast in bed EVERY day, without fail. He does loads for her. Everytime we go to stay with them, I look longingly at that act and wish my DP was more like that. But no, my DP's idea of romancing is to grab my arse in the morning, whilst I am waking up and stretching. FFS

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 00:39

I am going to draw a big red heart on every fucking shirt he owns. In Sharpie

That has to be the most childish thing I've read in a long time OP

DO IT! Grin Blush

lisaro · 14/02/2012 00:42

I'd rather have a man that still tells me the morning after I danced naked at his sisters wedding that he loves me (ok, he's got no siblings, but you get the drift) and allows me to lie about my job without warning (not your run of the mill job and backs me up if we meet randomers). Automatically puts olives on my plate and takes jalapenos without discussion. A card doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. But I actually can see it is yiur thing - accept it's not his, don't hate him, talk after about your needs.

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:44

I think I'm at the end of talking and telling though.

I can't be arsed and to me that's sadder than buying your own valentines day card.

OP posts:
MarriedInVegas · 14/02/2012 00:45

i'm with posters who say your ydnu! Its not the card at all, just the fact that he is completely not bothered about how important it obviously is to you!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY FROM US OP!!! XX Wine Grin Wine

runningforthebusinheels · 14/02/2012 00:46

Oh, that's really shit op :( don't know what to suggest really. We always do cards and token presents, and have a meal together on valentines night. And he randomly gets me flowers too Blush

Erm, if it was me, and I was in that situation I'd probably say 'its been 9 fucking years, get me a fucking valentines fucking card fucking now!' But that's just me.

Original poster
MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:49

BUt I kind of DID running by BUYING the fucking thing and then giving it to him to WRITE! I am going to rip them both up and leave them where he will find them.

Arsehole.

OP posts:
flibbertywidget · 14/02/2012 00:50

LOL @ running..

currently looking at my shop bought card and thinking whether I should just write - no card? no SEX! in it?? Wink.