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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just admit defeat and accept that DH is NEVER going to do anything for Valentines day EVER?

45 replies

MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 00:15

I only want a card. A fucking card with some nice things written in it. He does tell me he loves me quite often....probably about once every couple of weeks and I know he tells me when he feels it iyswim...so not out of "duty" or to please me.

I have been with DH for 9 years...9 YEARS. We hve 2 dc.

NOt once has he got me a valentine card...he has bought me flowers twice...when I had the children.

This year...oh God the shame...I bought my OWN card along wth one for him and I told him "There is a card for me in that bag there...could you please write in it at work tonight so I have a card to open in the morning when you get home?"

He agreed and said that he HAD remembered to buy one then forgotten instantly at the shops today...I believe this as he always does things like that.

Then he went to work...before he went I said "Have you got that card?" and he said "Oh where did I put it...yes..it's in my bag."

I just found it on the table. I am torn between just accepting it...that my sad attempt at having a card has failed and that I need to be ok with the fact that he can't seem to do it for me...OR being REALLY really mad at him for not doing it.

It was sort of funny before...that I had got my own card...we both had a laugh aboout it....but now it's just humiliating.

I don't want to sit there in the morning while he writes in it having done a night of work...and him being knackered and under pressure to write some romantic words.

I wanted hiim to write it at work tonight. He works alone and in a quiet place. Now it's all just a shitty and daft idea.

AIBU to be sitting here trying to work out whether I need to tell him to get fucked and give him some serious cold shoulder....OR....to just let it trickle off me like water of a ducks back?

Which option?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 00:51

Then at least tell him you're so sad, you can't even talk about it.

You really have to expose him to how low you are feeling, because of something he's done, and give him a chance to make it right somehow.

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 00:52

x-post

Oh ripping up the card and leaving it is good too

runningforthebusinheels · 14/02/2012 00:53

Rip them all up, leave them in his side of the bed, and send yourself a dozen red roses from "a secret admirer" Make a big fuss of thanking him for the roses and how lovely they are

Busyoldfool · 14/02/2012 01:02

Agree ComposHat with Valentine's day shite! And I wouldn't worry OP about the card thing. He loves you, he's good to you, you are happy.

My DP never says he loves me - he just wouldn't. Don't care. He is what he is. He doesn't make me do anything I don't want to either, (I had a BF once who insisted on regular duty visits to his mother and a sort of enforced coupledom. He also bought me flowers and Valentine's day cards).

Hope that you have a nice day anyway.

fortifiedwithtea · 14/02/2012 01:24

Valentines Day is meaningless Shite. What's important are the day to day things he does that deep down you know mean he loves you.

I've been with my DH for nearly 20 years. We don't do valentines. I don't want flowers, with our kids the vase would get knocked over or the water would end up stinking. We don't do meals out as a couple, nobody to mind the kids. Nights out are tricky at the best of times flash photography sets off my epilepsy.Everyone seems to have the need to record every moment of their lives these days.

OK so neither of us is romantic granted. We're in our forties and stayed together through some really rough times life has thrown at us. Not exactly a picture of loves young dream. So why the hell would I want a card?

You have been with your DH 9 years and got 2 DC. Maybe your DH thinks Valentines Day is unimportant too. YABU.

Aribura · 14/02/2012 01:28

"quite often"
"probably about once every couple of weeks"

Good Lord, is that what counts as often in your books? I sympathise. Sounds like he's terminally lacking romance. Unfortunately such things are a part of their personalities. If he doesn't get it after this long then he probably never will.

Laquitar · 14/02/2012 01:35

I'm not big on cards unless there is physical distance (living in different towns, countries) but if my dh bought one for himself i would be very upset that he is so upset about it and that it means so much for him but i keep letting him down. So in that sense YANBU.

Who knows, maybe he is going to do something? Maybe he feels guilty...

lisaro i was for a second!

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 01:39

Are you hung up on this because in general you feel that your H takes you for granted and dismisses things that matter to you? If so, you have a point. However, has your H ever said that he has ethical objections to the whole corporate whoredom of Valentines Day? or is it just that he really can't be arsed?

perfumedlife · 14/02/2012 01:55

I know someone who bought herself a wedding band with money her dp gave her for Christmas. He refuses to marry as his parents divorced, they have two ds and still she wants marriage so wears a wedding band. I find that sad and more than a little pathetic.

Not saying you are pathetic op. Just that buying your own card isn't going to mean anything, the gesture isn't there. If he used to be romantic and it has fallen off, talk about how you want to work on it. If it's a symptom of a deeper malaise in the relationship, well...

nooka · 14/02/2012 02:30

My dh hasn't given me a valentines card for the last 20 years, and neither have I. I think it's for teenagers and new couples, and even then it's all quite painful really isn't it? OP have you ever really talked to your dh about why he is not into valentines/romantic gestures?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 14/02/2012 02:52

Why should she give a shit why he's not into it, if he doesn't give a shit tgat she is?

Op I am really hoping tgat he forgot the card because he is going to get you his own and that you have finally shamed him into it.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 14/02/2012 02:58

All MurmuringClothDoll wants is a card,
That on Valentines Day she can reliably bet,
Hopefully her husband realises it's not so hard,
Regardless, we love you here at Munsnet!

Is tgat bad enough for you?

Original poster

MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 09:59

Thank you Loves That was so bad it was genius.
I thought I had better update and say that DH has redeemed himself. He DID realise he had forgotten the card and got me a new one on his way home and wrote a lovely message in it.

He laughed at me when I admitted I hadn't written in his...I was so cross last night as it all seemed like he would never do anything for me.

We don't have the budget for flowers etc but I know if we did have then he would have done that....I feel a lot better as he said as soon as he realised he felt terrible.

Now I feel terrible for being so mean about him!

Happy Valentines Day people and thanks for supporting me last night.

OP posts:

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 14/02/2012 10:18

Good news then, I really think next year he will do it all by himself

Btw I'm glad you like my poem, as you can see from the time in my posts it took me 6 whole mins to come up with that. Really for tgat amount of time it should be better but didn't have much sleep thanks to ds's cold

RobinSure · 14/02/2012 10:39

So you've gone through all that palaver and it's fine. Hilarious!

(Don't think the problem's with him.)

RachelWalsh · 14/02/2012 10:46

I was aware that my husband may well not have been the kind of person who bothered with valentines day in the past (we weren't even a couple this time last year, let alone married so this is our first valentines day) so I just told him that I would be upset if I didn't get a card because it matters to me. He got me a card and flowers.

RachelWalsh · 14/02/2012 10:47

And I'm glad you got your card too and your dh redeemed himself :)

Original poster

MurmuringClothDoll · 14/02/2012 13:49

Robin yes it was....he has never got me one before...why shoud this year have been any different?

When I look at the card it DOES mean something to me...I know many scoff at all this...but a card and some nice words is something you can keep.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 13:52

I am profoundly uninterested in all that stuff and happily single anyway but I am glad your H did make the effort. It's not like you were whining for diamonds, roses, champagne and an expensive dinner as well, you just wanted a small gesture of appreciation and that's something a decent partner shouldn't mind providing.

Laquitar · 14/02/2012 15:39

I think that you should use this to think about how the rest of the year is i.e. if you show your love to each other, if he listens to what you like/don't like, if you have fun and romance etc.
Otherwise next year you will be again waiting for a card.

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