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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask which family should take precedence?

40 replies

ChurchMice · 13/02/2012 22:27

My DH and I are in a financial hole - we are both recently redundant, I have found a very low paying P/T job; and we have both received numerous letters of rejection from jobs we have applied for; there's just so much competition.

Our benefits aren't fully sorted out yet, so we're not getting everything we're entitled to (we'll get it back paid once it's sorted, but are getting into debt).

DP has two DC's from a previous marriage, which he pays for via the CSA; the payments he makes have dropped to the minimum, it used to be quite a bit as he was on good money.

His ex is saying that she can't manage without his money and is expecting him (well, me, as I'm the only one earning) to help her out.

Which family takes precedence? Should I give some of my income to DH's ex for his children, or keep it for me, DH and my DS and try and limit the mess we get into?

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 13/02/2012 22:28

I'll get flamed - but his previous family are not your concern, your child is your concern.

If the boot were on the other foot, would she be giving you money? thought not.

However if it were your P with the income I would say he had a dual responsibility to maintain both families.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 22:30

If the kids lived with you, your wages would presumably provide for all the children.

Does she live alone or have a partner too?

Difficult situation.. for all of you.

alarkaspree · 13/02/2012 22:34

Well it's to be expected that your DH's ex would be finding it difficult, presumably she's budgeted based on his previous contributions. I think the most reasonable thing is to try to work it out so all the children have a similar standard of living. So it depends what the ex means by 'can't manage' really. Can't manage to buy food, or can't manage to pay for e.g. swimming lessons?

Presumably she might be entitled to additional benefits as well?

mynewpassion · 13/02/2012 22:37

This is kind of mean but this is how I view maintenance. The stepparent (SP) is not required to pay maintenance. That is the biological parent's (BP) duty as most of the time CSA takes it out of their pay. However, the combined income of SP and BP will pay towards the upkeep of the SC when in their home and necessary things towards schooling.

In this situation, DH's redundancy, both the SC and children are suffering. Until your DH gets another job, the ex has to lump it as you and your DC are lumping it.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 22:41

If you are married to him then you have chosen to take on his children too.

Is your ds his? Because if he is, then you should've providing as much for the other dc as you do for your dh's son with you. If your ds is also from a previous relationship, then you will hopefully be getting money from your ex and your child will be in a better position than hers will be.

It's hard to say exactly what you should do without knowing more about individual circumstances, but neither family should take precedence. Both are completely equal.

Kayano · 13/02/2012 22:42

I'm with trois.

Your income has nothing to do with her. Your DP was made redundant and didn't give up his job to avoid paying. YOur child is your responsibility, her child is hers and dps....

She may be struggling but it's not all on him, she will have to make adjustments

Pandygirl · 13/02/2012 22:42

It's tough for everyone involved, is there anyway she could increase her income to make up her household deficit?

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 22:42

You are not responsible, legally or morally, to provide maintenance for his other children, when you and your children would be very hard up if you did.

If you had more money, I might say morally, it would be the right thing to do, but again, legally it would not be required.

YellowDinosaur · 13/02/2012 22:44

I agree that it is not your responsibility to provide maintenance to your step children.

In reality, I would talk to my dh about this because I wouldn't want him to be in an awkward situation, with his children with his ex feeling like they are being treated inferiorly to your children. I wouldn't want him to struggle more because of being pulled in 2 directions atan already difficult time and this would be more important to me than whether I should be providing for my step children from my own earnings

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 22:44

And presumably IUse when the SC are with OP, they are provided for.
Why should she hand money over to their mother, for them?

OP does not have to provide anything for her partners childrens from a previous relationship.

GrahamTribe · 13/02/2012 22:45

What alark said. Normally I'd say that the stepmother isn't responsible for her DHs past family although he is, very much so, but in your case it depends on whether your StepDC are really going without. IMHO you need to start talking, all of you. If we're talking the SDC can no longer have swimming lessons then so be it, if they need shoes whilst your DC can still have, for example, his swimming lessons then, as much as it might go against what you really want, you should IMHO sacrifice those swimming lessons for your stepchildren's shoes.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 22:46

IUse the other family is not equal when it comes to entitlement to the OPs wages; especially if she can't afford it.

WTF!

topknob · 13/02/2012 22:48

They came as a package, however you are not require to pay for your dh/p's previous kids..if he is on JSA for example they will deduct a small amount from that and forward to the ex w/p. If you are really worried maybe offer a small payment stating it is from your wages and not dh/p's other than that I have no idea xx

RandomMess · 13/02/2012 22:48

I think in the short term you apologise and explain that you really cannot afford to make voluntary additional payments at the moment but when your financial circumstances improve you do consider increasing the maintance payments as a priority.

It is ridiculous to get into debt in the short term, however if she is struggling to eat/keep warm and is generally responsible with money that I would personally do everything I could to help out.

However is it just a case of she has cut her cloth according to a notable amount of maintenance and isn't want to change her lifestyle accordingly? If they were still married and your dh had been made redundant she would be having a lifestyle change just because they are divorced doesn't mean that she is protected IYSWIM.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 22:50

OP, has your DH ex actually said she expects you to pay since he doesn't have the income?

YellowDinosaur · 13/02/2012 22:50

If ds isn't your dh's son this actually makes it easier imho - his children with his ex can't see him treating them differently then.

Although I'd still support my dh in ts situation and wouldn't want him in the situation of seeing his children suffer while we were OK.

I think GrahamTribe has put it best - get talking, all of you.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 22:52

If you are on reasonably good speaking terms with her, offer to have the kids over to yours, and feed them etc... thereby reducing her overheads to ease it a bit.

Kayano · 13/02/2012 22:53

As far as I can see a child has 2 parents.

Ops dc has her and DP

The ex has the ex and DP

So if you say that op should be responsible for the other dc too that's not fair on her
Own kids who only have 2 parents
Input but the ex's would have three including op!

I would be firm and say 'no sorry, this
Was not done on purpose, we are in a real financial struggle and can afford no more'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/02/2012 22:56

Are there really no jobs your husband can take, OP, however low paying?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 22:56

Really?

I have seen so many posts on here where people have said that family income is family income in the context of SAHP's having as much right as the WOHP to say what happens with money. And that is the way it should be.

OP is married to someone who has children, therefore the welfare of those children shudo be important to her. My dh isn't biological Father to my children, but if my ex couldn't pay maintenance for whatever reason, I would expect my dh to help. He would anyway, because our familys income is our familys income. It's that simple.

The dh cannot expect his ex to get into debt to provide for his children if his new family has the means to provide. I don't think OP shudo have to get into debt, but the dh certainly shudo if that's the only way he can provide for his children. Even more so if he went on to have another child.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 23:01

She is already getting into debt looking after her own family.
Did people miss that bit?

Why can't the other childrens mother get into debt looking after hers?

Why should the OP get into more debt paying for children that aren't hers.

Again, morally if the money was there, I would agree with you, but it isn't.

Legally she could be worth millions and not have to hand over a penny so clearly the law doesn't think she should have to shell out for other children either.

SarahStratton · 13/02/2012 23:01

But there isn't spare income. The OP has already stated that all she has found is a very low paid P/T job.

I agree with trois and mynew, it is not the OP's responsibility.

Original poster
ChurchMice · 13/02/2012 23:01

Just to clarify - DS is mine from a previous marriage - CM is minimal, but he spends a lot of time with his Dad as well as me.

ex hasn't asked me to pay directly - but she knows I'm the only one working.

I don't know her financial circumstances, but she has a fairly comfortable lifestyle - she goes to the gym, her DC's go to lots of clubs, they have the latest gadgets, eat they take out regularly etc. We've tried cut back on as much as we can and stopped those things a long time ago!

OP posts:
Kayano · 13/02/2012 23:02

So you are
Condoning one parent actually getting into debt to provide for the other parent?

Really?!

The DP was made
Redundant, not avoiding paying! The ex and the DP should be looking to bring in more income to provide for their children, not the op. she has little income anyway!

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 23:03

You owe her nothing OP.
Take care of your DS for now.
If you end up with a little spare once you've cleared your debts, by all means help out if you want to.

Maybe by buying something they need (uniforms, clothes, shoes etc..) rather than handing money over.