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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask which family should take precedence?

40 replies

ChurchMice · 13/02/2012 22:27

My DH and I are in a financial hole - we are both recently redundant, I have found a very low paying P/T job; and we have both received numerous letters of rejection from jobs we have applied for; there's just so much competition.

Our benefits aren't fully sorted out yet, so we're not getting everything we're entitled to (we'll get it back paid once it's sorted, but are getting into debt).

DP has two DC's from a previous marriage, which he pays for via the CSA; the payments he makes have dropped to the minimum, it used to be quite a bit as he was on good money.

His ex is saying that she can't manage without his money and is expecting him (well, me, as I'm the only one earning) to help her out.

Which family takes precedence? Should I give some of my income to DH's ex for his children, or keep it for me, DH and my DS and try and limit the mess we get into?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 23:05

You do realise IUse that if you don't have money coming in, you aren't legally required to pay.

If their father wants to somehow reconcile not paying by taking on debt, that is up to him.

But taking on debt to pay child-support is not encouraged. I'm just wondering what exW situation is in terms of how much is coming in and where it goes.

RandomMess · 13/02/2012 23:05

ChurchMice I think if the ex is asking for money to maintain their current lifestyle and they are clearly not going to go without the essentials Food/Warmth/Clothing etc then she is just going to have to accept the status quo that your dh is not working and therefore cannot afford to pay more maintenance than he already is.

No don't get into debt to give extra, when it is all sorted then perhaps you could offer slightly more as a good will gesture (double it to £10 per week?) but don't feel guilted into it. Presumably you could lose your home if neither of you get a decent full time job at some point soon?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 23:07

No, I'm condoning the DH getting into debt to provide for his children, not the other parent. But only if that Wouk be what she had to do as well.

Church, the fact that your ds is not your dh's makes a difference. Your priority is your child, and if he is already going without things that your husbands children still have, then you have no responsibility to give the ex any money.

If you weren't getting yourself into debt already though, I would say that you do have a moral responsibility to provide for your husbands children. As long as the ex was already doing everything they could to keep costs low. The ex in this case doesn't seem to be doing that, so you owe her nothing.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 23:08

So it's not uniforms they need, it's an extra £25 for their takeaway or for the cinema at the weekend Hmm

GrahamTribe · 13/02/2012 23:09

In that case your answer has to be no, at this point we can only offer X amount. There's no reason why you should be expected to get into debt to provide for your stepchildren's clubs or gadgets. If they were without food or clothing it would be a different matter altogether but if the mum wants her and your DHs children to continue to have access to clubs and to eat out she will have to cut back on things like her gym membership.

ilovebabytv · 13/02/2012 23:09

Whatever happened to you cant get blood out of a stone. Presumably your dp is giving as much maintenance as he can afford and once his financial situation improves so will the maintenance.

If dp was still with his ex and was made redundant she'd just have to economise like everyone else. Just because they are split up doesn't mean she is immune from dp's financial dire straits.

Hope things improve for you soon op.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 23:10

I do realise that DamnBamboo. But just because it's legal doesn't make it right.

I think it is appalling that parents can get away with paying nothing. Losing a job is obviously crap, but I don't see why a parents shouldn't be expected to pay back what it has taken to feed their child when they get a job again.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 13/02/2012 23:11

I don't think there is one single answer - it depends on a lot of facts. However, in this case, her & her children are currently living a lifestyle in excess of yours - until they're on a par then I don't think you should pay her more. I'd never see any kids going without, but I wouldn't be paying so she could keep going to the gym, that's for sure.

YuleingFanjo · 13/02/2012 23:11

"Should I give some of my income to DH's ex for his children, or keep it for me, DH and my DS and try and limit the mess we get into?"

keep it for yourself, they are his and her kids and their responsibilty. of course you shouldn't be giving her your money!

mynewpassion · 13/02/2012 23:13

Church: Are you asking your ex to increase his maintenance payments for your son because you lost your job?

If you are, then you are being hypocritical. However, if you aren't, then you tell your DH that you guys will not go further into debt to pay additional maintenance. The ex will have to accept the minimal amounts until he finds another job. If your DH and his ex were still married, they would have tighten to their belts together.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 23:14

I agree you should pay it back when you have the means to do so Iuse.

Getting into debt for it is just a bad idea all round though.

If you genuinely don't have anything to give, how can you pay?

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 23:15

I don't know her financial circumstances, but she has a fairly comfortable lifestyle - she goes to the gym, her DC's go to lots of clubs, they have the latest gadgets, eat they take out regularly etc

In that case, then no YANBU to tell her that for the moment she is going to have to reign her luxuries in a bit.

DamnBamboo · 13/02/2012 23:16

Not really mynew because her exH might be working and be able to pay more.

It makes no sense that she then hands over money for her son, to her DH's ex, so in effect her exH is giving his exW money.

Original poster
ChurchMice · 13/02/2012 23:27

Church: Are you asking your ex to increase his maintenance payments for your son because you lost your job?

No Shock It's been the same for years - using the CSA calculation based on his salary and nights DS is with him.

I know not to rely on these payments, too - ex could lose his job and they'd stop!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2012 23:36

Exactly CM, I Never relied on the maintenance I received not when it was £35 per month and not when it was £700 per month (mostly arrears btw) and then we had another child it stopped altogether for several months and then was reinstated at 50%.

I certainly havent' cut my cloth always assuming we would receive those payments, for a start they will stop as soon as my eldest finishes A levels!

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