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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that shelling out £100 for a friend's hen party is too much?!

40 replies

nalubeadsgirl · 13/02/2012 22:19

Just a little more info. My friend is getting married in June. She originally wasn't inviting myself and my fiance as she said it was a small wedding, but she has now changed her plans and we do have an invite. The wedding will cost us at least £100 to attend as it's a 60 mile drive away, will involve an overnight stay and we'll need (obviously) to buy them a present (not begrudging that at all!!)

A month ago, I got a text from one of her school friends inviting me to the Hen party. She said details would follow. Well, they just have! A three day (!!) trip to the countryside, they want £100 off me for the accommodation, then extra when we are there for the activities.

Firstly, I'm not sure I want to spend 3 days of my limited holiday time on a hen affair. Secondly, by my reackoning, if I went, the whole shebang could end up costing us £300+ (factor in drinks, outfits, presents, blah blah).

What should I do? My partner earns minimum wage, I'm on £20k a year, we have a hefty mortage and money is tight. How do I say I'm not going without looking like I'm being unreasonable and tight? Personally, I think they're being unreasonable expecting people in these times to shell out this much just for a hen do?! Or am I the one who is being unreasonable?

Any advice please??? :S

(i'm also getting married next year, my hen plan was to do a day out at Go Ape (£35 each) followed by some drinks and nibbles at my apartment (cost £zero to the hens) )

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 13/02/2012 22:20

Dont go. Plead prior commitments/lack of holiday entitlement.

WhereMyMilk · 13/02/2012 22:21

If she's your friend maybe just talk to her and explain the above?

AnyFucker · 13/02/2012 22:22

Just don't go

It isn't compulsory

Original poster

nalubeadsgirl · 13/02/2012 22:23

The hen is my friend - I don't know any of the other girls at all. They are all her friends from school (by the look of the email, there are only 8 girls invited in total).

OP posts:

EldonAve · 13/02/2012 22:23

just say no sorry I can't join you
you don't need to explain why

MsHighwater · 13/02/2012 22:24

You're simply going to have to reply, declining the invitation. You don't have to say why you can't go though there would be nothing wrong with pointing out that you just can't afford it. Up to you.

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2012 22:24

Just be honest and say you can't afford it/don't have enough holiday left.

The thing with 3 day Hen dos is, surely they must realise not everyone can attend something like that.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/02/2012 22:25

Don't go.
Either explain you really can't afford £300 (and you are right it will be at least £300) or make up some excuse about a prior engagement.

Forrestgump · 13/02/2012 22:28

If you can't afford it, don't go, you can always say you have a prior commitment.
If she has only invited only 8 close friends she obviously thinks a lot of you, so I'm sure she would also understand the truth.

hatesponge · 13/02/2012 22:29

I'd say no.

Do bear in mind it may cause a falling out though (speaks the voice of experience)

I was invited to a friend's spa day hen do (£130 a head - just for the day, not even any drinks!). I didn't have £130 to spare, and even if I had I certainly wasn't spending it on a sodding spa. So I didn't go.

She hasn't spoken to me since (nearly 7 years ago now). We were both at the same party last week, she was gloriously cats bum faced throughout. Her friendship is no real loss tbh - hopefully yours is a better friend and not half so petty as mine!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 13/02/2012 22:31

I don't think £100 is too much to spend on a hen night, that's just what it costs for a meal out with a night in a hotel and drinks. I think that's pretty standard.

But if it's going to cost a whole lot more on top of that, which it obviously will, then it's too much. Just say you can't go.

DorothyGherkins · 13/02/2012 22:35

Please speak up and say you cant afford it - the others may be thinking this too and may not speak up. Might turn out that nobody could afford it - I dont spend £300 on my annual holiday!

Original poster

nalubeadsgirl · 13/02/2012 22:36

thanks for all the great advice. Just worried as to the etiquette I guess of saying no to the hen party but still going to the wedding?! Honest truth is..if I went to the hen party, no way could I afford to go to the wedding!!!

From what i can gather, my friend (the bride) has had nothing to do with the hen party, leaving it totally to her oldest friend to organise. So is blissfully unaware of what is currently being planned. ( at the end of the email, was a 'shhh don't tell the bride blah blah)

Honestly, I'm also embarrassed that I can't afford it. I used to earn good money, but swapped careers 2 years ago and now earn a third of what I used to. £100 to me is a hell of a lot of money :SS I didn't even spend that on my entire family for this years Christmas presents.

I'm normally good at writing, but I'm struggling what to write as a reply!

OP posts:

mercibucket · 13/02/2012 22:38

can you go for a day or is it too far?
just say you can't afford it, or if you prefer, lie and say you've already booked a holiday then or you've used up your holiday allowance or something. but if it's a good friend, then you shouldn't have to lie. and if it's not a good friend, then yanbu to decline on cost grounds alone

Original poster

nalubeadsgirl · 13/02/2012 22:40

i use too much...well it's £100 upfront...then petrol to get to where we're going (that will cost me £60), plus money for the 'secret' activities they are planning for 2 days! (i.e. unknown cost)

Her wedding is already going to cost me minimum £100..and that's without a new outfit (which might be nice given that I haven't worn/bought anything new for over 18 months now)

dorothy that's my point too!!! £300 was what I spent on my holiday last year. I realise if you earn good money, that's nothing, but it's a lot to a lot of people.

OP posts:

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 13/02/2012 22:41

£100 is a lot of money to most people, I wouldn't worry about that!

"Thanks for the invitation, but I can't come. I don't have enough annual leave and don't have that amount of money to spare. If you're having drinks or something another night let me know and I'll come along. Have a great time and take loads of photos!"
Done.

BackforGood · 13/02/2012 22:44

Just say - "Thanks for the invitation. Sorry I won't be able to make it. Look forward to seeing you all at the wedding." You don't need to explain why you decline an invitation, but, if you choose to, there's no shame in saying you can neither afford the time or the money at the moment. Full stop.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 22:47

Dont go.. she wont be offended. I was with a friend yesterday who is getting married in August, and we were talking about some of the girls who had said they couldnt go on the hen do.. and she was fine about it... as any reasonable bride would be. But her friends who were not going had politely spoken to her and explained.. they didnt just not turn up or give any reason for not going.

giraffes · 13/02/2012 22:52

if you explain to the bride you can't go for a money reason, that might make her annoyed w the bridesmaid - can you think of something more pressing that weekend/annual leave needed for the wedding? And ask her to come hang out with you before the wedding so you can at least spend time with her beforehand, but more on your terms? that would be a nice thing to do...

flyingspaghettimonster · 13/02/2012 23:04

I never go to hens nights... I just say to the bride 'thanks for the invitation, but it isn't my scene and I wouldn't like to spoil the mood. Have fun!' And sometimes offer a small gift voucher for the spa/restaurant they are using or gift of wine and chocs to show I was thinking of her.

I can't imagine many things I would hate more than 3 nights away with a bunch of strange women under immense pressure to be jolly. Spas freak me out with their poshness and people being paid to do things I am supposed to enjoy, but would actually hate. The ladettes night out is too embarrassing to contemplate and the strippers, transvestite shoes etc just seem a tacky waste of money.

I did go to one once... an afternoon tea party with teeny sandwiches and a chocolate fountain, with the only crude bit being the gifts of lingerie wewere asked to bring the blushing bride. It was far cheaper and more enjoyable I think.

Florin · 13/02/2012 23:07

I got invited to one recently, it was a 4 day event although I would only be able to make it for the Saturday/Sunday (1night) it would still be £239 for me plus food, plus drinks, plus activities. I am 21 weeks pregnant one of the activities was a spa day where they planned to split their time between the steam room and jacuzzi neither of which I could do. I just said no I can't afford it. I had a simple affair as I was determined it wouldn't cost a lot but now wish I had made a stand and not had one at all. If she is sensible she will understand.
I think hen/stag do's have got completely out of hand. If you are invited to hen do and dh to stag plus wedding the whole lot can end up costing the best part of £1000 which is silly.

RubyrooUK · 13/02/2012 23:09

Why not say directly to the bride that you can't afford the hen weekend she has planned for her (with lots of positive compliments like "it sounds totally amazing, I think you'll love it!").

Say that money is just too tight and you need to save to afford going to her wedding, which you are so looking forward to and being there for her special day.

And maybe ask if you could go out to dinner together (on you) to celebrate the end of her single life?

When I got married, I had a fabulous hen weekend but it was expensive (my bridesmaids wanted to do something very specific and special for me) when I wouldn't have minded doing something much cheaper that everyone could afford. I loved it but it wasn't strictly necessary. I wasn't offended at all when one friend took me for a drink instead as she couldn't afford my hen - she was so lovely to do something for me at all and it was expensive!

reddaisy · 13/02/2012 23:12

I have turned down invites to lots of hen dos as I think the cost is ridiculous. One was £400 without transport/drinks/food etc for a work colleague! Another was a trip to Milan. Most people understand but I have lost one friend over it but I don't miss her tbh!

I have also got a friend who is having 3 hen dos this year before her wedding! She is expecting her core group of friends to go to them all but it is madness. I think it has all got out of control unless everyone has got the same amount of disposable cash.

Original poster

nalubeadsgirl · 13/02/2012 23:19

rubyroo great advice..think I might just do exactly that. That's the big thing..i do need to save just to go to her wedding!
{deep breath} give the email a few days to settle and i shall reply!
thanks everyone for the advice!

Why the hell would you want/need 3 hen dos??!

OP posts:

FuckUAndTheHorseURodeInOn · 13/02/2012 23:24

Agree with Ruby

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