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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that shelling out £100 for a friend's hen party is too much?!

40 replies

nalubeadsgirl · 13/02/2012 22:19

Just a little more info. My friend is getting married in June. She originally wasn't inviting myself and my fiance as she said it was a small wedding, but she has now changed her plans and we do have an invite. The wedding will cost us at least £100 to attend as it's a 60 mile drive away, will involve an overnight stay and we'll need (obviously) to buy them a present (not begrudging that at all!!)

A month ago, I got a text from one of her school friends inviting me to the Hen party. She said details would follow. Well, they just have! A three day (!!) trip to the countryside, they want £100 off me for the accommodation, then extra when we are there for the activities.

Firstly, I'm not sure I want to spend 3 days of my limited holiday time on a hen affair. Secondly, by my reackoning, if I went, the whole shebang could end up costing us £300+ (factor in drinks, outfits, presents, blah blah).

What should I do? My partner earns minimum wage, I'm on £20k a year, we have a hefty mortage and money is tight. How do I say I'm not going without looking like I'm being unreasonable and tight? Personally, I think they're being unreasonable expecting people in these times to shell out this much just for a hen do?! Or am I the one who is being unreasonable?

Any advice please??? :S

(i'm also getting married next year, my hen plan was to do a day out at Go Ape (£35 each) followed by some drinks and nibbles at my apartment (cost £zero to the hens) )

OP posts:

Popsandpip · 13/02/2012 23:27

I'd talk first to the organiser, explain you're strapped for cash and ask if there's a bit of the weekend it would be appropriate for you to attend (if it's genuinely not a huge hassle for you to get there).

I organised a hen do for my sis-in-law and suggested times when people could opt in and out, depending on their circumstances (money, timing, etc.). No one minded that everyone wasn't there for everything - us girls just really enjoyed getting to know each other better.

If, for whatever reason this doesn't work for you, then go with Rubyroo's suggestion.

blueballoon79 · 14/02/2012 07:25

I agree with Ruby too. I wouldn't be able to afford that amount of money just for a hen do, as like you I'd be having to save for the wedding and for a gift too.

I'm lucky that the only hen do's I've been to have just been a reasonably priced meal in a restaurant with drinks afterwards.

I agree with what others have said in that hen do's appear to be getting ridiculously out of hand in terms of lavishness!

helloclitty · 14/02/2012 07:30

I think you'll find you're not the only one to say no or at least think it's too much.
Just say no.

Adversecamber · 14/02/2012 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JosieRosie · 14/02/2012 08:43

I'm another one with a 'No Hen Nights' policy. I just refuse to go for all the reasons other people have mentioned above. I would reply along the lines of 'Thanks a lot for the invitation but I won't be able to make it. I hope you have a fab time and look forward to seeing you at the wedding'. No further explanation required!

Original poster

nalubeadsgirl · 15/02/2012 10:44

thanks Mumsnetters! Great advice. I have replied saying that unfortunately I cannot make it but have a lovely time blah blah. Quite pleased to see that the majority of people also think these things are getting out of hand!

And I've made a decision - I'm not going to bother with one at all!!! It's going to cost people enough to come to my wedding.

OP posts:

SaltResistantSlug · 15/02/2012 10:47

Price sounds about average to me, but it's the sort of money best reserved for really good friends and close relatives imo.

girlywhirly · 15/02/2012 11:44

It is the biggest mistake ever to allow someone to organise your hen do for you, it just gives them the right to spend all the hens money whether they can afford it or not. I won't go to any that are more than a meal and a few drinks.

I wonder if the bride knew how much it would cost per person she would veto it, knowing that it would cause such difficulty for some guests in terms of cost, loss of holiday, lack of available leave etc. Far from getting upset with those unable or unwilling to come, I would be falling out with the one organising it!

duckdodgers · 15/02/2012 11:49

When did hen dos become so elaborate and expensive?? And when did some brides become so demanding?

Im so glad my hen do cost the hens nothing apart from what they spent on drinks, it was about having fun not spending a fortune!

Fair enough I got married 13 years ago and these big dos werent the in thing but if I was doing it all again I would do exactly the same. It probably sounds quite mad but it is traditional here in the West of Scotland to be dressed up as a bride with L plates and getting taken round all the pubs "selling" kisses to all the men, I had a great time plus I actually made £200 so not bad

throckenholt · 15/02/2012 11:56

I think the whole hen/stag thing is totally our of order (I know a group who went to Las Vegas for a week !!!).

No wonder people can't afford the deposit on a house when they blow it all on hen/stag dos and over the top weddings, and once in a life time honeymoons.

Personally I don't think it is worth getting in debt to get married - it is the being married that is important - not how you do it or how much it costs.

OP - I agree with the others - just say sorry can't make it, hope you all have a great time, see you at the wedding.

sozzledchops · 15/02/2012 12:10

it's not too much if you can afford it, but if you can't afford don't go and don't feel pressurized - the bride should understand. If you go for an more expensive, longer hen do then you have to understand that some folk won't be able to make it.

trixie123 · 15/02/2012 12:26

its perfectly ok to turn down the invite (it's an invite, not a summons!) on all sorts of grounds. You are not the bridesmaid, or a sister, just one of a number of friends who originally wasn't even invited to the wedding. Just as an aside - I would loathe and detest a hen do at somewhere like Go Ape or anything paintbally / go-karty etc and would turn down an invite to one if that was what was planned so just maybe check with your mates before booking yours?

RosieBooBoo · 15/02/2012 13:44

I woudn't worry about declining. A lot of my friends have 2(!) hen nights for this reason. The first one was a weekend away and just the bridesmaids went as it was going to cost £300+. The 2nd hen night was at a local club for the rest of the hens so it was a cheap night. Hopefully the bride will organise this?

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2012 13:49

nalubeadsgirl - good decisions.
I decided not to have a hen party, partly because of costs, partly because of hassle, partly because I organised my wedding in 7w flat and partly because I was pg. It worked out very well!
But the night before my wedding, a couple of friends had come down and were staying over at mine, another friend popped in and then 2 other friends came over as well - impromptu old-fashioned style hen party, sitting, chatting, laughing, drinking fizz (them) - lovely! Didn't cost a bean (well, apart from the fizz) and we had a great time. :)

bignipssmalltits · 15/02/2012 14:02

If you are concerned that the hen may be a bit hurt by you not going, you could make a small gift basket for her to have on the weekend. I did this once and sent a parcel with someone who was going. I gave her something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.

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