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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is odd and rude?

49 replies

dappply · 12/02/2012 20:48

My PIL hardly ever eat or drink in my house. If I offer them a drink when they arrive, they've always just had one. Last weekend they arrived at 5 pm, refused dinner " as they'd just eaten" and refused a drink, with FIL going straight out to buy beer. They were babysitting for us, and we left them a bottle if wine, and a packet of filter coffee and some chocs. All untouched in the morning. They stayed over, and when they were getting up we were cooking a big cooked breakfast for everyone, and they literally got dressed and left as we were serving it up, saying that they'd stop on the way home for breakfast and weren't hungry yet.

It's literally been going on for years. It's starting to make me paranoid that they think my house is too unclean to eat in. Whenever they babysit, they bring ready meals for my DS which they cook in the microwave and get a takeaway themselves, ignoring anything we buy for them. I can count on one hand the amount of hot drinks they've accepted ( and left to go cold). It's getting bizarre.

Today they wanted to pop in at tea time, so I made a point if saying ok, so come round for dinner, don't eat first. When they got here at 430 we had made a fresh pot if coffee, but they refused it as they'd just been for a coffee. Dished up roast dinner at 5, which they both only ate a small amout of as they'd had the coffee and refused a drink ( of any type, even water.)

Whenever I stay at their house they eat and drink normally, and are hospitable hosts. And to my knowledge I am a decent enough cook.

Any ideas, perspectives or explanations in this, I'm perplexed and on the verge of taking offense!

OP posts:
LeBOF · 12/02/2012 20:50

Have you ever tried asking them? Revolutionary, I know.

Kayano · 12/02/2012 20:51

Lol LeBOF
Grin

Agree

PurplePidjin · 12/02/2012 20:52

They're your in laws. What does your H/P think of their behaviour?

troisgarcons · 12/02/2012 20:52

Perhaps they just feel uncomfortable eating and drinking out side of their own environment?

Do they act like this when guests in other peoples hosues?

theincredibequeenofwands · 12/02/2012 20:53

Dental issues?

TattyDevine · 12/02/2012 20:53

Its an elephant in the room, you have to ask them! Its just weird.

NorthernWreck · 12/02/2012 20:54

Just how dirty is your house?

Heyyyho · 12/02/2012 20:54

My own family do this, particularly my sister who stayed with us in our holiday home and used to eat a leftover sandwich for supper she made herself. Whilst we were dishing up a huge sumptuous BBQ.

I know it is because they don't like my cooking - I cook quite rich with loads of seasoning and spices and they like very bland food. I am over it now but I don't really get on with them so well anyway...

GoingForGoalWeight · 12/02/2012 20:55

Ask them, take a deep breath first/ What does your DH say about it all? Seems strange and a bit rude, maybe.. good luck :)

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 20:55

Are they Howard Hughes?

Original poster
dappply · 12/02/2012 20:56

Have been thinking about asking them. Have occasionally asked them why they don't want a particular drink/ meal and that's when I get the already eaten, not hungry yet remarks. They aren't the kind of people it's easy to talk to honestly, . It's all's bit fait accompli and to ask them would kind of be insulting them and accusing them of lying.

OP posts:
Eglu · 12/02/2012 20:57

They do sound odd. Why has your DH not just asked them why they won't eat or drink in your house?

GingerSnapsBack · 12/02/2012 20:57

My mil will not use our toilet. She is odd. She will drive home to use her own toilet. My house is spotless. Perhaps they are just fussy? Just ask them that's the only way you'll know

Florabella · 12/02/2012 20:58

My in-laws are like this too. They bring lots of food when they visit and always want to cook rather than eat mine (I wouldn't mind, but their food is pretty horrible and I am a fab (and modest!!!) cook. It's because they are so set in their own ways and they don't want to put anyone out or eat anything out of their normal ways. I try not to let it bother me, but it is a bit of an irritation!!!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/02/2012 21:01

I have an aunt like this. I had never, in 37 years, seen her eat or drink anything other than in her own house. When she sat down for the wedding breakfast at her daughter's wedding, we all nearly passed out with shock. Her son was like it too although is cured now, he used to say his mother told him to refuse food so as not to be a trouble to anyone.

VelmaDaphne · 12/02/2012 21:01

I don't mean to be rude, but is your house grubby at all? My Mum's house is a mess and I can't eat there. The fridge is overflowing with various tubs of unidentified things, and much of it is out-of-date, so I just can't bring myself go eat anything she prepares, however tasty it looks.

dearjane · 12/02/2012 21:02

My PIL a bit like this although will always accept drinks.

I am 99% sure that it is because they don't want to put us out having to cook for them etc and they do it out of politeness. They are also extremely routine driven to the point of being disordered and I think they struggle to cope with anything outside of the realms of their usual routine.

I am not offended in the slightest as I'm a shit host and hate cooking for anyone and I think they know this. If they ever stay over (rare - they normally do a 200 mile round trip for the day to see us) they will pay for us all to have a takeaway together.

What does your DH think? With my PIL I know it comes from a nice place.

dwpanxt · 12/02/2012 21:11

Maybe one of them has a phobia about eating outside of the house.Where just the thought of being observed with a mouth full and then being asked to speak is agony to them .

I know a couple of people like this and they wont stay with anyone or even at a Bed and breakfast place in case there are communal eating expectations. If this or something similar is the case then possibly they are actually being brave in staying with you or visiting at mealtimes and trying to fit in with your family without being over the top about their affliction.

If they fit with this and still eat with you at their house maybe they will become more comfortable eating at your house in future. Possibly.

troisgarcons · 12/02/2012 21:20

Have you tried the "come for dinner" invitation? that makes it specific that there is a meal involved.

Original poster
dappply · 12/02/2012 21:28

Ah, interesting perspectives! Thanks!

I'd never win little miss fastidious 2012, but I'm not unhygienic. I know this because I've got food safety training, and I do clean up. But yes, there's usually atleast one out of date item in the fridge and a mug of baked beans from three days ago. That's why I get paranoid that MIL thinks my house too dirty, as she's been a house wife since she was 15 (40 years) and runs a tight ship. I do usually spend an hour or so cleaning before she arrives. I've often returned home after she's babysat to find she's ironed my sheets or cleaned my microwave. Which I try not to be offended by, and think of as helpful. She usually notices whether I've dusted since her last visit too.

In conclusion, I'm not the cleanest/ tidiest, but I was up after every meal, mop the floors every night, clean the fridge each week, do the bathroom twice a week.... But can forget to dust, realise there's a tea stain down my dushwasger that's been there for god knows how long, discover a mouldy aplle in the bottom of the fruit bowl occassionally. Am I grubby?

DH just ignores it and says that it doesn't worry him. And I haven't ever made much of a fuss to him to be honest, feels a bit mean, moaning about his parents that are in general lovely and very helpful grandparents. And it's hardly crime of the century. It just perplexes me.

I was wondering about the politeness/ routine thing. Good to hear experiences and perspectives, thanks. That's what I was hoping for in starting this thread.

OP posts:
EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 21:30

I want as dushwasger!!!

garlicfrother · 12/02/2012 21:31

That's a good point about phobias. Lots of people have them, and are anxious to keep it quiet. A fear of eating in front of others is pretty common and so are hygiene ones (more often about not using lavatories, but could be anything.)

Maybe your habits just don't fit in with their own fixed patterns. Perhaps you don't always wash your hands before touching food and/or crockery, while they do. Perhaps you use the same towel for hands and dishes. Perhaps any number of things, which some people find unbearable, and perhaps they can't tell you without offending you.

What about timing? I wouldn't want a coffee just before a meal. Do they eat at very fixed times? And what about diet? If they're carb-counting or follow a points diet, or simply have their own particular rules, that could explain their need to control what they eat.

DH should be able to offer a clue, surely? The fact that they ate when you'd specifically told them they would, at 5pm, makes me think there is some underlying ritual that you (understandably) haven't twigged. Could you invite them for dinner - at the time they usually eat - and ask them what they'd particularly enjoy? If it's timing or diet, that should help. If not, try observing things more closely next time you eat at theirs.

EauDeLaPoisson · 12/02/2012 21:31

Want a

MateyMooo · 12/02/2012 21:31

i have a loo thing... i'll happily eat anywhere but will only do a #2 in a 'safe' loo.

i know I'm irrational about this but there is nothing i can do about it!

Maybe its the same with them.

the only other thing i can think of is that they might feel like 'they are taking food out of your mouth' if you are not well off. My PIL rarely eat at any family house, but will eat out without a problem.

garlicfrother · 12/02/2012 21:32

xpost, sorry

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