To think this is odd and rude?

[dappply]

My PIL hardly ever eat or drink in my house. If I offer them a drink when they arrive, they've always just had one. Last weekend they arrived at 5 pm, refused dinner " as they'd just eaten" and refused a drink, with FIL going straight out to buy beer. They were babysitting for us, and we left them a bottle if wine, and a packet of filter coffee and some chocs. All untouched in the morning. They stayed over, and when they were getting up we were cooking a big cooked breakfast for everyone, and they literally got dressed and left as we were serving it up, saying that they'd stop on the way home for breakfast and weren't hungry yet.

It's literally been going on for years. It's starting to make me paranoid that they think my house is too unclean to eat in. Whenever they babysit, they bring ready meals for my DS which they cook in the microwave and get a takeaway themselves, ignoring anything we buy for them. I can count on one hand the amount of hot drinks they've accepted ( and left to go cold). It's getting bizarre.

Today they wanted to pop in at tea time, so I made a point if saying ok, so come round for dinner, don't eat first. When they got here at 430 we had made a fresh pot if coffee, but they refused it as they'd just been for a coffee. Dished up roast dinner at 5, which they both only ate a small amout of as they'd had the coffee and refused a drink ( of any type, even water.)

Whenever I stay at their house they eat and drink normally, and are hospitable hosts. And to my knowledge I am a decent enough cook.

Any ideas, perspectives or explanations in this, I'm perplexed and on the verge of taking offense!

You don't sound grubby, pretty normal, I find the odd wrinkly apple or liquid cucumber here and there sometimes. And I am really scared of potatoes that have sprouted shoots out of them I have to get someone else to remove them if that happens. It doesn't really tend to though, but it did once in this dreadful share house I used to live in.

My mum was like this. I love cooking and would always cook loads before she came,(cakes, bread, youghurt, soups, etc) and a three course meal for her,but she always found a reason not to eat any of it. I was offended initially,but I refused to get upset about it. She did have a germ phobia (this is the woman who would wash a chicken under the cold tap, then dry the sink with a dishcloth, and then wipe down the tables and worktops with it!) and wouldnt ever eat or drink when she was out, unless it was on a paper plate, or in a paper cup than no one else had used before! She also had digestive problems, her stomach was easily upset, so she just stuck to a very simple diet - and she didnt care if she offended anyone with her views. Basically, she just ate food that came out of a tin or from the freezer - any fresh food, anything adventurous, or any 'foreign muck' was completely taboo. Dont be offended by them, they ll have their own reasons, even if they wont share them!

I would ask to other family members if they are like that with them too, or get you DH to inquire that. Maybe that is just the way they are...

My parents are like this.

I think it is because I have a cat, and they imagine I don't know how to clean work surfaces, and possibly they think I let the cat drink out of mugs.

OP I think you should ask your DH, but there are any number of issues poss.

One which hasn't been mentioned yet is IBS. I think a lot of people suffer from dicky digestive systems as they age and specific stuff can set them off - and that's exactly the kind of thing a lot of people would be really mortified to talk about. Stuff that I know can set IBS off includes caffeine (so having a coffee when they turn up....) and rich food. Although I think triggers are quite specific.

I had this as a stress reaction very briefly, for about 6-8 weeks a couple of years ago and it was horrid - somehow almost immediately after eating or even drinking something I'd get bad tummy pains. If you also had to go to the loo soon after (which I didn't thankfully) then it would be potentially very embarrassing.

My inlaws used to bring a flask of tea when they babysat. They always bought their own food. They also went through a stage of inviting us out for dinner in a restaurant but they would have already eaten and would sit there watching us eat. We started declining their invitations.

Do you have cats that walk on the kitchen surfaces or anything?

DP has said is that his whole life they are always on a diet. But that doesn't make sense to me as whenever I'm at theirs they have double cream at pudding, a box of chocs in the living room . They seem to eat pretty normally at their house, MIL is a good cook. They also eat out alot.

No I don't have cats or any pets.

It's not just cooking though, it's drinks. The bottle of wine they didn't open dp bought specially as they love it. We buy the coffee MIL drinks at home for her, but she doesn't drink it.

Aha. How do you know they don't starve for a couple days after entertaining you, to 'pay' for the cream? "Always on a diet" generally means eating disordered, on way or another ...

Peeps of that gen can be a bit unyielding and 'like what they like' ive seen it loads of times. Try not to worry.

too much x-posting!

Good to know that others have experienced this from their PIL's or parents. Gives me some food for thought!

I come from a neurotic family and just don't ask questions. Somebody's always anorexic, on some weirdy diet, in training for something, suffering from some allergy or going through an OCD phase. I'm pretty sure, actually, that's why my house is now filthy - I do mean filthy. Think it's a backlash!

Plus, it gets me out of needing to satisfy five different diets at one sitting - nobody eats here

You clean the bathroom twice a week!? Now I feel like a right slovenly mare.

You clean your fridge every week? Wow I'm impressed. Every year in this house.

What RevoltingPeasant said makes a lot of sense to me, I had an undiagnosed IBS thing going on a few years ago and whatever I ate gave me a horrible stomach ache and I'd need the loo (it was so many things but the worst were coffee, tea, any drink with ice in it, cake, chocolate, biscuits) so going to peoples homes and being entertained became a bit of a nightmare. The IBS thing did clear up but now it is pure anxiety and I cannot accept food or drinks at friends houses. I am slowly getting better but this has been going on years - worst thing is when I'm offered food I will probably be starving and want to eat it but terrified that I'll puke or get diarreahh and I now also have a phobia of having to use the loo in public but that is a whole other thread o.0 :(

You could get dh to ask them outright and explain that you both are a little offended.

Dh did this and parents said that they didn't want us to go to any trouble which is why they bought their own stuff, dh told them we were offended so they don't do it any more but it is still a job to get them to accept anything more than a cup of tea.

Recently mil accepted my offer of a cup of coffee then changed her mind when she watched me get the cafetiere out, I said I was sorry I didn't realise she preferred instant and would make sure I got some in the next time she visited. She said it wasn't the taste she just didn't want me to go to the hassle of making real coffee, I explained that it was no hassle and said I was making one for myself anyway but she still declined on the grounds that she doesn't believe in the faff of making real coffee. A moral objection to the use of a cafetiere!

Northern wreck and sharenicely, maybe every fortnight with aspirations to every week..... I'm not naturally clean and tidy. I have to make myself, and making sure I have a semi routine I stick to is the only way that works for me, or else it would be a state!

Has your DH ever said whether they were like this when he was growing up? My Ps can be a bit funny about accepting dinner at other people's houses when it hasn't been agreed in advance, because they have this semi-obsessive thing of conspicuously not wanting to "put people out". However, if you asked them over specifically for lunch or whatever, they'd be fine with it.

Dad does have "issues" with food and if he is on his own, will use excuses similar to the ones he has described, although even he will sometimes eat known branded foods that have been bought, especially sweets. He also doesn't have a problem with drinks.

If one partner has some sort of problem with eating, the other one might act up a bit in sympathy, or to cover it up a bit.

Is it misplaced trying not to be too much trouble? My grandparents would never stay overnight which used to puzzle and slightly offend my mother - they lived about an hour and a half away. It was odd but we finally realised that my granny herself had had a MIL from hell who would come and stay for weeks on end. My granny was so anxious not to be troublesome like that she went too far the other way.

I suppose it could be politeness, trying not to be any trouble. They are bith very polite and proud . FIL won't ever let anyone buy a drink/ meal etc. MIL waits on everyone hand and foot at hers. But it just feels so rude to not let others be hospitable when you are in their house!

Not sure about the allergy, IBS, diet thing. Like I said, they seem to eat normally at their house and out for meals.

They sound really sweet.

I agree, it is bad manners to reject hospitality, but this might be one case where offence may offend ... Give 'em a plant or something instead!

Florabella we are PIL twins, even to the extent about the rather crappy food served up by your MIL. I consider mine an excellent 'food preparer' but woeful cook. She has no innate understanding of what makes food pleasurable. They bend over backwards for GC to the extent they use virtually no salt and no fabric softeners (in case of excema -sp.?). And they wonder why DH and SIL were difficult compared to ours...

Anyway off point - in our case it's not wanting to be a trouble. OP you are really clean! Apart from a quick wipe after a milk bottle leak, I cleaned our fridge when we moved - three years after buying it.