To be slightly put out that DH wants to fly home?

[redvelvetcake]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant. It hasn't been an easy pregnancy. I have a 14 month old, SPD and been in and out of hospital for the past two weeks with severe vomiting and been on a drip. And when I was 4 months pregnant I found out that DH had a one night stand.

We're working through the issues of him bei g with someone else. When I found out I told him that his family, me, our son and the bump must always come first, as he hasn't always prioritized us, and well to be honest, me.

Dh's family has always come first. He always thinks of them even if that means I have to suffer or do things which I don't agree with to make them happy.

We've moved and now live in the states. Dh's mum has found out that she has cancer in te tongue. It hasn't spread anywhere and try are removing it on Friday. And they think that will be it.

DHs brother and SIL live with PILS. I have my DM flying out to stay with me next week to help when the baby comes. Thank god.

DH has said that once I have the baby he will fly back home to see his mum. As I have my mum here I won't really need any help. Even if I have an EMCS, and stitched up like my first labour where I couldn't walk for weeks. Yes I have my mum, but she can't drive here. What about when I run out of something and we need to go to the shops and I'm recovering?

His mum is coming to stay in April. I feel annoyed that he isn't thinking about our needs. AIBU?

Sorry it's sooo long!

Sorry, I think YABU. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I'd want to see my mum too. I understand why you'd worry, I have a four week old dd and I panic if I run out of clean bottles in the kitchen at the moment but you'll cope. Ultimately, his mother being so ill takes precedence over your need for fresh bread. I don't really think his previous behaviour should come into it. Sorry!

YABU - you will have your mum, she can take bus/taxi to the shops if you run out of things. You can get stuff delivered. What is the problem? Let your DH see his mum

Given that he is not planning on going anywhere until after the baby has arrived and that your mother will be with you I think that he is thinking about your needs. I'm assuming that if you weren't heavily pregnant he'd be flying back to the UK to see his mother as soon as he could? However I can totally understand that you are unhappy if he has always put his family first and has also betrayed you only a few months ago. Would you be happier if he went earlier and came back quickly? Are there other ways he could make sure you are supported when he is visiting perhaps?

I think YABU too, I'm afraid. I live overseas, am also pregnant and have no support here so I understand that you tend to see your DH as 'it' in terms of help at home. But, think for a second, it's his Mum. Yes, the cancer might be contained in one area and removed successfully but he is scared, she is scared. Parents aren't here forever. You will have your Mum, and you will cope - that's what Mum's do! You've coped amazingingly so far with all this pregnancy has thrown at you so with your Mum around you'll be fine. He may resent you if you try and give him an ultimatum not to go and something were to happen to his Mum.

I feel for you as you've obviously been having a rough time with your DH and made certain sacrifices. But that's where it stops.

I know you're having a baby. You will have your Mum with you. Your DH is shit scared he's going to lose his (whether those fears are founded or not) and is totally reasonable to visit his mum once your baby has arrived safely.

For that (and that alone) YABU.

What son of a loving mother wouldn't? What husband of a loving wife would go before she gives birth? He seems to have struck a balance of you and baby being safe and visiting his mum.

Cancer of the tongue is nasty even if its not deadly every time, its utterly horrid (what cancer isn't?) but his mum will need his love and support and it will help and soothe her immensely if he can get there.

Don't mix your issues up. Also I think if you've decided to give your marriage a chance despite infidelity, the you have to forgive (if he's keeping his side of the bargain)... good luck with the birth, enjoy being with your mum, and I hope that your DH's mum recovers quickly so that he is able to keep his side of the bargain with you... this falls under 'mitigating circumstances'.

Sorry, but I have to agree with Gwendoline on this one.

There is a lot of uncertainty really - you don't know if you will have an EMCS again. You don't know exactly when your DH will leave you to visit his mother - he may wait for a couple of weeks and you could well be fine by then. There is no reason to presume that you will have the same slow recovery. You don't know that his mother is going to be able to come in April either. I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't fit to travel - any cancer is serious although presumably you will know more in a week when she has her operation. You also don't say how long he is going for.

I get that there is history here and your DH has always put you first but I think that this is one instance where you can't expect him too. It isn't as if he wants to go now and is going to miss the birth or not be around to help in the last few weeks of your pregnancy. His parents are no doubt important to him and he wants to see his mother when she has a potentially life threatening illness. He isn't leaving you alone either as you will have your mother. OK so she can't drive but she can get about in other ways, I am sure. You also don't say how long he is going for - you can plan ahead for most things you will need and DH can get them before he goes. It probably seems like a bit much to contemplate at the moment when you aren't feeling well but you will cope if you have to.

I think you should cut him some slack on this. I wish you well with the rest of your pregancy and the birth though.

YANBU to feel a bit put out. You would BU to tell him or to try and stop him though.

Is it just because you'll be stuck the opposite side of the Atlantic with a new baby or are you scared he'll cheat again?

Redvelvet, you are not unreasonable to want your DH with you after the birth. However, his mother has a life-threatening condition. After her operation he will never hear her voice again. Am guessing that at present he speaks to her on the phone. If your mother could not be with you after the birth, that really would be so much harder. Is a CS definite? If so, get your enormous American fridge-freezer stocked up the top, get your larder full and lay in supplies of nappies etc in several sizes and find out if any local stores will deliver. It will be so hard to have your DH away when your baby is tiny, given the history of his ONS. No best option for anyone here. As MIL has other family members around, can you negotiate with DH over the length of time he is away?

I know I probably am being somewhat unreasonable. I'm still hurt from him cheating. And for me, it's taken so much to get to where we are today. I had to move past alot and my reaction to things are a little biased now, which isn't always good. I'm working on it....slowly lol.

I don't think he would cheat again. I believe that he has learnt from it. My mum isn't in the best of health nor completely mobile. She suffers from scoliosis and has very restricted movement.

DH would leave a few days after the birth. Probably for a week or two. I know he is concerned for his mum, and I understand that. But we will just have had a baby. It was the, it doesn't matter what happens during labour I'm still going response. It made me feel pretty unimportant. And that's the crux of it. I've always come after
his family. And I guess it still hurts

YABU in the scheme of things but not in your personal circumstances IYSWIM. I can understand how you might see this as another example of his failure to immediately prioritize you and DC...been if he does go he should be sad / contrite / conflicted and that would balance the situation? Seems this points to the deeper issues and this is just one example of many that is flagging worry signals for you.

Major cancer surgery v. Having a baby.

Sorry- his mum wins.

YABU but I understand why . However, you cannot keep punishing him now because you decided to work things out and forgive him. That isn't fair. I didn't forgive when it happened to me, so I am allowed to punish the bastard until his last day on earth . Only joking, I'm over it now and have completely moved on, sort of

YABU, what if this was your son when he's grown up? You not being well and your son's wife telling him he shouldn't go and see you? Understand it might be difficult with just having had a baby, but those things always sorts itself out one way or another.

I'm a bit biased here, because someone I care about has recently had cancer of the tongue, but I think YABU.

Removing a lesion from the tongue can be a really major undertaking, as is any radiation therapy that needs to be delivered to the tongue. His Mum will have to relearn how to speak afterwards. She will be very unwell, and a visit from her son will be really important to her.

It does sound like he's still not being very nice to you. You say he has "learnt" from his infidelity. Is he sorry for what happened and making amends?

I agree that it's reasonable of your DH to want to go home, and I think that in waiting till the baby is born he is thinking of you to a certain extent. But I completely understand why you feel upset about him leaving a few days after the baby is born and being gone for a fortnight.

Will you know more about his mums prognosis once she's had the op? Maybe once you do more you and him could have a chat and you could ask that he waits a little longer after the birth to go - even if he waits a week that might be better for you? - and commits to only going for a week.

It must be very hard for both of you being so far away from family. But I can see why it is particularly hard for your DH at the moment.

Another YABU here.

It can be hard living in another country.

He must have wanted to fly to see her as soon as he heard the diagnosis.

It´s unfortunate "timing", but I don´t think you can read anything into this as regards him putting his family first or not still making amends for his one night stand.

If, as you say, his family has always come first, then that isn't fair.
His priorities should lie with you and his children.

She may well be too poorly to come in April as well.

I agree with the others. I think you need to take the cheating issue out of the equation here, although I'm sure that's hard to do, as it seems to be what's clouding the issue.

He needs to see his mum, and if the situation was reversed then you would want to spend time with your mum.

You will have your mum with you and just overstock on everything you could possibly need while your DH is away. You hopefully won't need a CS this time and will be up and about the next day anyway.

I completely understand that you need your DH to prioritise you and the DCs more, but this isn't the battle to fight it on.

Worry about how he acts should you have a difficult labour and then complain about him if he doesn't support you.

The problem here is him saying he is going no matter what happens during the delivery.

Of course he wants to see his mum, but his mum is not alone, she has her other son with her. The OP, otoh, might be really poorly post cs, and her own mother isn't physically up to helping her much. They also have a toddler. OP might physically need him. Post cs, she won't be able to lift anything - how much help can her mother realistically provide?

I think she might have viewed this completely differently if he'd said 'I'll see how you are, and if you are coping, I'll go and if not, I'll wait for a while'. She would probably have said for him to go.

OP, can you get some paid help for a while - someone to clean the house for you, pop to the shops?

Sorry redvelvet but like others I have to agree you're being unreasonable. Saying how the cancer hasn't spread anywhere it sounds as though it hasn't occurred to you that things may not go well, there are no guarantees just because it hasn't spread (yet, as far as they know...). What if something does go wrong and she dies and your DH didn't visit her? For the rest of his life this may be something that he always feels bad about, he might feel guilty as though he didn't do enough and may never be able to get over it. Would you really want risk him going through that?

This is a very big thing, and I understand that in the past he has made you feel second rate when he shouldn't have done which will be making this even harder for you. But I do think in this situation his mum does actually need to come first - there may not be many chances left for him and her - and I think (despite what has happened in the past, which needs to be kept separate) that in this situation you need to be the supportive wife and let him do what he needs to.

You can think through all the things you're concerned about with him not being there and work out how to deal with them right now. Worried about things running out? Then why not stock up so there's no chance of them running out? Concerned about looking after your 14month old whilst having a newborn and possibly recovering - is there any way you can arrange childcare for the 14month old to make things a little easier? These aren't all issues you need to work out and solve single handedly, your DH is just as much included - he needs to understand all of your concerns and help to find a solution for them if he does want to go. but I would really advise against trying to stop him, like I said earlier - to not go and for things to go wrong could be something he has to deal with for a lifetime.

Could you possibly manage to afford to employ a nanny short term while he goes? That could be a huge help.