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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friends dd has a point?

44 replies

youcantpolishaturd · 11/02/2012 12:05

A close friends dd is coming up to a special birthday and she feeling pressured by her parents into accepting a very expensive present from a close family friend that actually she said she will not use (for good reasons), and really doesn't want them to waste their money on a gift that wouldnt be appreciated or used, and has said she would much rather they choose something off her wishlist (I am aware that some of you will say this is greedy and selfish, and she should be happy to get a pressie in the first place but she really isn't- most items are a fiver or under- mostly books as she is an avid reader) and if they wanted to have a splurge they could always get a couple. Seems reasonable. I will also add she is lovely, very generous and will always ask for peoples wishlists because she wants to be 100% sure that she is getting something that people will genuinely appreciate and want.
The pressy in question is a piece of jewllery but friends dd has SN and significant sensory issues and for this reason almost never wears such things, and also is not interested in the typical girly stuff.
Friends dd has confided in me that she just feels that her parents are trying to do the 'done thing' for the sake of it, and is getting fed up of what feels like she not listening to her. (the latest battle was the party dress- friends dd was made to try nunerous on having not worn one for 2 decades because she cant stand them and surprise surprise couldnt tolerate it, dont know what they had expected to have changed!). So I said I would post it here to get an unbiased opinion!

OP posts:

Original poster

youcantpolishaturd · 11/02/2012 12:06

will add her birthday isnt until the spring!

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/02/2012 12:09

If she is being pressured to accept it then perhaps it would be best to accept it then sell it and buy what she wants with the money.

uruculager · 11/02/2012 12:09

"she would much rather they choose something off her wishlist (I am aware that some of you will say this is greedy and selfish)"

It is. End of.

thisisyesterday · 11/02/2012 12:14

i think it would be sensible of her parents or someone else to mention to the family friend that she will not use the item due to her sensory issues.

however, i would graciously accept it if they still choose to give it. it will still be a nice keepsake of her special birthday, and of course, if in the future she chooses to sell it and buy something else, well that's her perogative!

JustHecate · 11/02/2012 12:15

"thank you very much. That is very kind of you"

is the only acceptable response.

she can, of course, talk often about how much she hates jewellery. does she talk to the family friend? Is she able to start up a conversation and drop things into it? perhaps in terms of her sn if she is able to talk about it? oh I struggle with X - in fact, that's why I never wear any jewellery, I can't because...

If the person doesn't take the hint, there's not really anything she can do.

And she can't take it and sell it, not straight away anyway. She'd have to wait at least 6 months, maybe a year.

I am a bit concerned at how controlling her parents are. I'm assuming by 'special birthday' we're talking one of the 'zeros', particularly since you talk about 'two decades' since she wore a dress.

At that age, the parents should have really backed off and be promoting independence. If they're not listening to her, that's a problem. If they're forcing her to try dresses on - that's a big problem! They aren't respecting the fact that she's an adult.

aldiwhore · 11/02/2012 12:16

A wishlist isn't greedy. Demanding you get all the items on it or expecting all the items on it is. When it comes to parents, her wishlist is valid and they should listen, there's no reason they can't get her something THEY want to get her as well.

aldiwhore · 11/02/2012 12:17

Ah family friend, wel changes it slightly, can she get her folks onside? They should speak to said ff.

troisgarcons · 11/02/2012 12:18

I cant make out iof it is the girls parents or a family friend who wants to buy this gifr.

Either way, one would expect, if a significant amount of money is being spent on a gift, then there is a close relationship. Take that as given, then it should be acceptable to tell the person that the gift wont be used.

I do find it odd, if it the parents doing the buying, that they don't know their daughters likes and dislikes given she has sensory issues.

Birdsgottafly · 11/02/2012 12:18

It used to be traditional for GM to buy a piece of jewelery for land mark birthdays, so i can see why they would want to.

Your friend needs to explain to them why she doesn't really want them to do this and her DD's SN is a good reason, she isn't being difficult for the sake of it.

If they still want to buy the jewelery, then your friend will just have to go with it. It is a shame that others cannot get into the real spirit and purpose of gift giving, but you cannot change some people, who are set in tradition..

You will get lots of posts saying that she is being selfish because she wants something that she would actually like and use, for her birthday, which is ridiculous.

Personally i like to buy gifts for those i love that they would want.

Birdsgottafly · 11/02/2012 12:20

Oh i see that it is a close family friend, then in that case the gift should most definately be what the DD wants.

valiumredhead · 11/02/2012 12:21

Thank you is the only polite response I agree with hecate - then you can sell it or give it away.

Oggy · 11/02/2012 12:30

I think accepting it with a thank you and selling it on is lunacy. I am putting myself in the place of the gift-giver. If I gave an unwanted gift whci wass accepted with a false smile then sold on 6 months later I would feel mortified.

If however a third party approached me before the birthday and mentioned X never wears jewelry I would say oh bollox thanks for letting me know, what does she like, does she have a list or something?

Ta da everyone happy...

whitsunday · 11/02/2012 12:33

Presumably the tradition of giving a young person jewellery on their significant 'moving into adulthood' birthday (18 or 21), is mostly to do with the young person being given an asset which is theirs - useful in setting themselves up independently for the future maybe, or for use in a tight spot when the GP's money has otherwise been inherited by the yp's parents?

I'd probably try to take the gift in that spirit - not as a necklace or bracelet itself but as a symbol of concern/love from the family member.

I was given a godawful gold ingot necklace by my GPs when I got to 18 - never worn it and never would but I appreciate the thought and I could sell it for a decent amount of money if I had to since gold prices have gone up so much.

CrabbyBigbottom · 11/02/2012 12:35

*uruculager Sat 11-Feb-12 12:09:16

"she would much rather they choose something off her wishlist (I am aware that some of you will say this is greedy and selfish)"

It is. End of.*

I can't imagine I'm the only one who has a strong urge to slap you now.

OP the girl doesn't sound unreasonable to me, unless the item has already been bought. Makes much more sense to speak to them before the gift has been given. If they've already bought it though, I think the only polite thing to do is accept it graciously.

CrabbyBigbottom · 11/02/2012 12:36

Don't know why that didn't show in bold. To clarify, I wish to slap uru for the comment

It is. End of

Original poster

youcantpolishaturd · 11/02/2012 12:36

Ok. Friends DD is turning 21. She has sn which includes significant sensory issues. Family friend wants to get jewllery but doesn't want them to waste money, although a nice thought. Friend has tried to get her dd to wear a dress and doesnt seem to 'get' sensory issues cannot be persauded out of people! (initially she tried to say to her dd she had to wear a dress as part of a comprimise to have a proper party, but told her YABU).
Friends dd loves said friend to bits and has said herself she would be v.v.v. Surprised if she didnt understand - and has told her in the nicest way possible, but 'rents are upping the pressure saying its not about her.
I must say I disagree- after all its her birthday!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2012 12:39

A strong urge to slap a stranger on the internet because you disagree with them?

OP, personally I think she should accept the gift, thank them and then not wear it if she doesn't want to.

It's really not a big deal and if she didn't know about this in advance, I'm sure that's what she'd do when faced with a surprise gift.

Not worth worrying about imo.

Original poster

youcantpolishaturd · 11/02/2012 12:41

Her birthday isn't until april btw!

OP posts:

mamij · 11/02/2012 12:42

Of course it's not unreasonable to ask for something off the gift list. Better to receive something you actually want and use than to receive something you don't like. How many people have received ten toasters (exaggerating!) for wedding gifts before he John Lewis gift list came along.

I'd suggest to the family friend that dd would appreciate something off the gift list more. However, if they insist on getting the expensive gift, then maybe get one of the cheaper items off the gift list as a sign of showing they are taking her feelings into consideration.

FabbyChic · 11/02/2012 12:44

well if you know her parents talk to them yourself about it, however she really should just accept the gift and never wear it. with regards the party dress if I was her Id say fuck off I'm 21 not 6

uruculager · 11/02/2012 12:45

CBB, that's fine because I'd feel the urge to slap someone who responded to the offer of a gift with a "no, here's my wishlist!".

CrabbyBigbottom · 11/02/2012 12:46

No Worra it wasn't that I disagree, I just always get a middling urge to slap people who say 'end of.' - as though their pronouncement on the subject is the final word, and should rule out further discussion.

Original poster

youcantpolishaturd · 11/02/2012 12:47

They have not yet brought the gift.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2012 12:48

What a thread full of slappers

CrabbyBigbottom · 11/02/2012 12:48

uru she didn't, though, did she? The gift hasn't yet been given, or even bought. She is saying that she would rather have something much cheaper, that she'd actually use.

Of course saying that when someone gives you a gift would be rude.

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