to say DD can't have any cake?

[QueenOfFeckingEverything]

Cake sale after school today - I bought various cakes before DD (8) came out of school. They had no change on the stall at that point, so I said to keep it and that DD could choose a cake to the value of the change when she came out. DD came out and chose a small cake, and then I had to go and talk to her teacher.

While talking to the teacher, DD was hovering round doing her Sad Face at me - I told her to wait patiently, she huffed at me and wandered off across the playground, muttering about how unfair it was that she only got one cake yada yada humfybumf.

After speaking to the teacher, I found DD eating more cake. Turned out one of the other mums had taken pity on her (she'd been whining about how the other children were all getting more cake than she'd had) and given her 50p (which buys a lot of cake, but stupid cake sale pricing is a whole other thread). I found the other mum, thanked her, and offered her 50p back but she laughed and wouldn't accept it. Then she told me (still laughing) that after she'd given DD the money, DD had said to her 'Haha, my begging face worked on you' to which the other mum had said she'd remember that next time, and DD had gone on to say 'No you won't, adults never remember anything'. I was and apologised rather a lot.

I'm pissed off and have told DD so - I think that was rude, ungrateful, and greedy. I now have cakes that were to be shared after tea, but I don't think DD should have any more after that display of cake-fuelled rudeness. AIBU?

YABU to mention cake when I want some and can't have some.

I am on the fence about no cake for DD after tea. I don't think YABU to be cross as she went behind your back and was rather cheeky to the other mum but, it was just cake and the other mum didn't mind so maybe the punishment of no cake when others will be having some is a bit rough.
Maybe she gets last choice of cake and is definitely last on the list for second helpings?!

Other mum could have been embarrassed?

Surely though, if you laugh and think it's funny then that's a clear message for your child that it's fine to behave like that, so you are in effect encouraging them to do it again.

I think I would have found it hilarious. As a teacher I always liked the children who would be tiny bit cheeky with adults - it shows confidence and a bit of social savvy. I always worried about the ones who were very eager to please and never put a foot wrong - they would never stand up for themselves in the way the cheeky ones would. She put on her begging face and then had quite a sophisticated joke with an adult about it. I think I would quite admire her sarcasm.

Bloody hell, when I think back to the scams we pulled as kids! Me and my sister made sad faces outside the ice cream van once and told him we had no pocket money etc etc, REALLY hamming it up and he gave us free ice creams and was killing himself laughing

Hmm, I think I would have felt a bit uneasy if this was my dd, but to be honest what she said, although a little cheeky was not the crime of the century - she may be genuinely witty and as she gets older it will present as this rather than rude / obnoxious etc.

At the end of a school day children are more predisposed to strops than any other time, in my opinion. I think I would have a chat with her about it but punishment is not really necessary imo. A lot of parents seem to feel that they need to come down hard on their kids if they let out a social misdemeanour but I personally feel the anxiety around this is misplaced and unnecessary.

Actually, having thought about it, I feel very strongly that the best outcome is for me to have the cake

oh well ,all mine managed to grow up not to be cake scrounger delinquents

I'd better watch ds, poor boy having a mother like me

The punishment of not having cake is definatly not too harsh, and I'm really surprised that other Mums think it might be.

Letting her have more cake is basically telling her that deliberately trying to manipulate and then be rude to someone is worth doing because it gets you what you want and it doesn't matter if you're rude about it.

Doing what she did shouldn't pay off IMO.

But saying that, I would be laughing at it privately!

Cailin, I think there's a lot of ground between the cheeky kids with 'social savvy' and the shrinking violets. Plenty of space for well-mannered children without 'whining' (from OP)

Plus 'as a teacher' I find 'whining' a very unappealing feature!

YANBU, I would be very cross with DD for begging and would not be giving her any more cake either.

BUT I would also be cross with the other Mum for giving my child money, unasked by me. I would never give another child money or cake when the parent is there. If I was picking a child up after school, then yes but otherwise I think it was wrong of the Mum and I would have quiet word about it. I would also have words with my DD about accepting money or anything from anyone without express permission. I don't think that is right at all.

If I thought that the parent had just forgotten to bring money, I would say to the parent that I had seen X looking a bit sadly at the cakes and that as I had some extra on me, did they want to borrow some cash if they had forgotten to bring some. I wouldn't expect 50p or £1 back but it would be up to the parent to accept first.

For all I know they may be deliberately not buying for a perfectly good reason and I would be undermining the parent by giving the child the money.

She didn't whine at the other mother though did she?

Oh come on everyone is manipulative sometimes - I'll bet you can all think of examples where you have been yourselves, at work or within personal relationships. It is human nature. As long as it is not malicious or excessive it is not sociopathic or worthy of punishment.

Cailin, OP said ,"Turned out one of the other mums had taken pity on her (she'd been whining about how the other children were all getting more cake than she'd had) and given her 50p "

i would give her 10 out of 10 for effort and let her enjoy the cake

perception - ok don't punish manipulative behaviour then, but do you want to encourage it?

Not sure why I've got drawn into this, I don't have hugely strong feelings, just know that I would be unimpressed if either of my DC did this.

Still feel that I should have the cake.

Oh great, another one in the 'lax parent camp' black

It's not a big deal

It's not a drama

It's not a massive thing

But it was incredibly rude and from a child old enough to know better so she'd be getting no cake tonight from me.

look your dd used her brains to get something, be proud

well if it were one of mine (and i could well imagine ds2 doing this) i would simply have told him off for being cheeky and that would be the end of.

she was trying it on, as kids do and full marks to her it worked! the other mum was laughing about it so obviously saw the humour in it. tbh she was a cheeky but i think its one of those things children can learn to do appropriately they know when to be polite, but they also know when to be a bit savvy and have a joke, be sarcastic etc, its something we all do! hell i put on a whiney voice and get my dp to do stuff for me! (he gets a reward ) but i am just having a laugh.

its not like she STOLE the money or the cake, she used her dramatic flair to earn the money, she may go far

[Sits next to Worra]

I don't think it was incredibly rude. A little cheeky maybe, incredibly rude would have been deliberately insulting someone. This wasn't the case.

Just to clarify - I didn't mind the other mother giving her 50p, or DD having another cake. Had DD been gracious about it and simply said 'thank you', I'd have left it there and forgotten it by now!

My issue was the cheeky comments afterwards.