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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dh being unreasonable or am I (sensitive issue)?

42 replies

Sozcag · 10/02/2012 13:28

I am trying to relay this as neutrally as I can so please bear with me. Really need an outside view on this. A guy called around yesterday to deliver something he had promised my husband for the garden. Dh was out so I assisted him with the item. We chatted and he asked me several times if I was 'happy' in my marriage, I told him -politely- to mind his own beeswax, he told me several times that he did what he liked even though married over and over. I kept the conversation light and got rid of him as soon as I could.

There was something about him I didn't like and felt weirded out by his comments and just a bit scared by them.

Now I fully appreciate that the guy has done absolutely nothing illegal and that, yes, nobody can 'do' anything because the guy has not 'done' anything, however, on telling me dh, all I got was comments like: 'don't be stupid', 'what do you expect me to do?' Now I'm not stupid and I KNOW that this guy did nothing wrong (apart from be perhaps a bit overfamiliar) and I don't expect dh to do anything as such, because there is nothing he can do, I suppose, but there I am upset about this on the sofa and he is just telling me not to be 'stupid' and that: 'you're always scared about something'.
This is NOT true, btw, I don't know: my dh's reaction has upset me but I don't know why. AIBU?

OP posts:
Devora · 10/02/2012 13:30

YANBU. Is your dh always insensitive and unsympathetic, or was his behaviour a surprise to you?

Beamur · 10/02/2012 13:31

YANBU. This man unsettled you with his comments - he sounds like a complete creep! and your DP did nothing to reassure you, I'm guessing you weren't asking him to 'fix' it just to show some empathy and kindness.
I think my DP would be pretty pissed off with a 'friend' coming onto me like that.

Fiendishlie · 10/02/2012 13:32

It sounds like the delivery guy fancied you and was 'testing the water' to see if he stood a chance. I don't really see the problem, based on what you have said. Scared seems a bit of an over-reaction.
I think YABU, most would have laughed it off, I think.

Gay40 · 10/02/2012 13:33

Something in your instinct told you to be wary, and you should never ignore it. No wonder you were upset with your DH's reaction.
You weren't being stupid. Is your DH friends with this man? As in buddies?

yellowraincoat · 10/02/2012 13:33

Bleh, that would majorly freak me out and I would be pissed off if my partner didn't understand why I was freaked out. I think my partner wouldn't be massively sympathetic (because he doesn't really get freaked out by people) but he certainly wouldn't call me stupid and would understand that I was upset.

YANBU, your husband is being an arse.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 10/02/2012 13:35

Massive generalisation coming up, but I think men can sometimes find it hard to understand this sort of thing. I have tried to explain the way men sometimes talk to women to my dh before and he just Doesn't Get It. I think because he would never talk to women like that, and because he has never heard it for himself.

This could be where your dh is coming from, and add to that the fact that he obviously thinks of this guy as a nice person for doing him the favour of bringing something round.

Your dh should take your word about what happened, and just trust that in your perception at least, that is what happened. He shouldn't try to dismiss or belittle what you are saying, but I think he probably finds it easier to understand that you may be over reacting than to believe that his friend basically came on to you.

NotYetEverything · 10/02/2012 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 10/02/2012 13:36

I don´t think I would have been scared, more uncomfortable.

Why would his comments scare you?

My husband would have agreed with though that the guy was a creep/twat.

Yama · 10/02/2012 13:37

Sounds like your dh was being defensive because he 'caused' the situation by arranging the delivery. He is angry with himself and projecting. No excuse, still horrible of him.

Pandemoniaa · 10/02/2012 13:51

With respect, I don't think the OP's DH is projecting anything. That's a complete cop-out! In reality, he sounds insensitive and disinterested so YANBU in feeling rather unsupported by his response.

My DP is the last person to go all Neanderthal and mutter dire threats to anyone making un-called for remarks of the sort described but he'd be very sympathetic to me finding it rather unsettling.

I'd be inclined to contact the delivery company though. They'd probably be very unhappy to hear that their drivers think it OK to make such inappropriate comments.

Original poster
Sozcag · 10/02/2012 13:53

He is not a friend of my dh's. I wouldn't say that I was terrified but mildly scared. I certainly would not put myself in the situation where I was alone with him again. I just don't know. I know the guy did nothing wrong, I know that. I've had men 'chat' me up before. I've not felt wary of them or creeped out.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 10/02/2012 13:53

diddl, I don't think the OP said she was scared, just a bit weirded out. Which is a totally fine reaction. Even if she was scared, that's an ok reaction too.

YuleingFanjo · 10/02/2012 13:55

Perhaps your husband feels powerless to help so he's being stressey and turning it on you ?

MateyMooo · 10/02/2012 13:56

he'd creep me out too.
good job you told DP
just incase the creep comes back....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/02/2012 13:59

I think you're upset because your husband should have shown a little 'outrage' on your behalf - and his. In a 'caring caveman' sort of way. He didn't and it sounds as if he doesn't really believe you or care even though the reality is that he does, he's just downplaying it as a minor irritation. But it doesn't make you feel very 'wanted', does it?

breatheslowly · 10/02/2012 13:59

My DH would be seething as this guy was clearly coming on to you, however clumsily. But my DH wouldn't arrange for someone he didn't trust to come over when he was out, he doesn't like me to arrange freecycle pickups when he won't be in or things like that.

megapixels · 10/02/2012 14:06

YANBU. Of course it is intimidating when you're alone at home and the delivery guy is saying that he's up for a bit of you! I would be scared, not just creeped out. Your DH sounds really unsympathetic.

lesley33 · 10/02/2012 14:07

I would always trust your instincts on things like this. If you felt a bit scared - and you don't when men usually chat you up - then there is a good raeson for that, even if you don't know what it is yourself.

I do think anyone who hasn't experienced something like this can struggle to understand it. When you say the words it sounds normal and like you are totally over reacting. So I can understand you being unhappy at your DH - but I can kind of understand his reaction as well.

Splinters · 10/02/2012 14:11

I would definitely feel creeped out by that kind of conversation, definitely tell my husband about this weird creepy thing that had occurred during my day, and definitely expect him to agree that it was weird and creepy. Yanbu.

MMMarmite · 10/02/2012 14:14

I agree with lesley33.

MMMarmite · 10/02/2012 14:16

... although despite it being hard for him to 'get it', i think your dh ought to accept to your feelings and try to understand and support you, rather than dismissing them.

Smellslikecatspee · 10/02/2012 14:16

His comments have upset you because your DH is dismissing your feelings and concerns.
You put the situation forward very calmly to us. Even if he feels that you are being silly in his opinion, he should have been sympathetic to your distress

Even the ?best? men don?t get it sometimes. We as told to trust our instincts, but then when we do we are also told to stop making a fuss about nothing etc.

What are we to do, personally I go with my personal instincts, I don?t ascribe some sort of woo woo women?s only instinct to it. I believe that all of us pick up on cues be it change in voice tone/breathing rate/ body language, some of us are better at it than other.

But when it is women doing/saying it it?s woo woo. With men it?s considered street smarts.

Now I?m not saying all men are like this.

Nor am I saying that you come across as wanting him to chest thump and be all caveman.

And I actually writing this down think he was actually being a bit caveman in his attitude, a bit silly women don?t be bothering me with your silly women thoughts?.

Sorry am rambling a bit here.

purpleroses · 10/02/2012 14:24

I think the problem is that your DH is a man (!)

Men (as a rule) are not good at empathising for the sake of it. They like to sort problems out. And, as you've said yourself, there's nothing in this case that can actually be done in a practical sense to sort it out. The guy's gone, you probably won't ever see him again, etc. You just needed a bit of support, and your DH probably didn't get that. He may also have felt a bit threatened by the situation - as the opportunity for you to have been unfaithful to him was obviously there, and he'd rather not think about that.

I think men also don't always realise the potential threat of a situation when someone is in your house and making comments that make you uncomfortable. They've never been in that situation themselves. Creepyness is somethign other women will "get" straight away, but often men won't.

SparkyUK · 10/02/2012 14:34

I took a linguistics/sociology course at uni that looked at how men and women communicated. One of the things we talked about was that when a woman complains she is (generalisations here only of course) looking for a a listening ear and sympathy but men will counter with a solution (or in this case the answer that nothing can be done.) I think calling you stupid is not on but I think there may be something to this notion that men and women interpret a complaint differently.

I also agree that there is something difficult for men to understand in the politics of male/female interactions (and most women don't even consciously think about it) where there is basically always this underlying threat - or, not threat really, sorry, not finding the right words exactly - but you are just aware that a man (typically) has the physical advantage over you. I had, for instance, to explain to DH very slowly why being flashed was threatening not funny, where as a women flashing a man isn't really threatening. It's not that the man showing you his penis makes you think he is going to attack you, but he is reminding you that he could.

In any case, really sorry Sozcag. Hope you are feeling better about the original incident at least. That sort of thing always leaves my skin crawling for a few days :(

hwjm1945 · 10/02/2012 14:35

was once on a train when a bloke started talking to me, fne, don't mind that, then he started telling me he and his wife wree swingers and I should try it etc, I wish now i had told him to wash mouth out with soap and water , but just sat there, felt really bad , even though I should have shrugged it off, so i can understand that OP would feel upset by it, OH's view IS A BIT odd

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