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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is dh being unreasonable or am I (sensitive issue)?

42 replies

Sozcag · 10/02/2012 13:28

I am trying to relay this as neutrally as I can so please bear with me. Really need an outside view on this. A guy called around yesterday to deliver something he had promised my husband for the garden. Dh was out so I assisted him with the item. We chatted and he asked me several times if I was 'happy' in my marriage, I told him -politely- to mind his own beeswax, he told me several times that he did what he liked even though married over and over. I kept the conversation light and got rid of him as soon as I could.

There was something about him I didn't like and felt weirded out by his comments and just a bit scared by them.

Now I fully appreciate that the guy has done absolutely nothing illegal and that, yes, nobody can 'do' anything because the guy has not 'done' anything, however, on telling me dh, all I got was comments like: 'don't be stupid', 'what do you expect me to do?' Now I'm not stupid and I KNOW that this guy did nothing wrong (apart from be perhaps a bit overfamiliar) and I don't expect dh to do anything as such, because there is nothing he can do, I suppose, but there I am upset about this on the sofa and he is just telling me not to be 'stupid' and that: 'you're always scared about something'.
This is NOT true, btw, I don't know: my dh's reaction has upset me but I don't know why. AIBU?

OP posts:

SparkyUK · 10/02/2012 14:37

ha ha, excellent cross post purpleroses. You've said it much more succinctly that me too

Original poster

Sozcag · 10/02/2012 14:39

I feel as if I've had 2 men 'diss' me in the past 24 hours and when my dh is one of them, I can't help but feel upset.
Being chatted up is one thing, as is mild flirtation, but this was more creepy than that.

OP posts:

diddl · 10/02/2012 14:40

But just because OPs husband might not "get it", it doesn´t mean that he can´t show some sympathy, does it?

Leaving aside that the guy-a stranger(?) was asking about her marriage-wtf?

Does her husband think it´s appropriate to keep asking the same question even though the person being asked clearly doesn´t want to answer/talk about it?

margoandjerry · 10/02/2012 14:43

I think yanbu. That's creepy and weird - in your house. Weird enough anywhere but in your house definitely a bit of an intrusion. It would cross my mind to think about my safety and yes I would be annoyed and creeped out.

I would also expect my DH to understand the issue. But I do think men find it hard to understand what its like to be on the receiving end of this stuff. It could be just flirting or it could be something more serious. For men, if someone flirts with them or asks them inappropriate questions, the worst that can happen is they feel annoyed. For women your safety could be compromised. He should know that.

Original poster

Sozcag · 10/02/2012 14:44

It's the last day of a week off for me and I've dwelt on this for a lot of the day, I've got to go and do some other things for a few hours but I'd appreciate more replies in the meantime. Thanks.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 10/02/2012 14:49

"I feel as if I've had 2 men 'diss' me in the past 24 hours and when my dh is one of them, I can't help but feel upset.
Being chatted up is one thing, as is mild flirtation, but this was more creepy than that."

You sounds totally reasonable to me, not stupid at all. Does he often dismiss your feelings like this, or is it a one off? He really ought to make the effort to try to put himself in your shoes - have you tried maybe reading him some of the posts on here?

dramafluff · 10/02/2012 14:49

Weirdo - the delivery bloke not your DH. You are not being unreasonable, but your other half may not realise just how much this upset you. I think I might be tempted to quietly let the company the delivery guy was from know - unless this is a 'friend' of your husband's and so he imagines it can;t possibly be as you saw it. Something to be annoyed about maybe, but not on an on-going basis - not worth it. I would however have the call me stupid again and you'll regret it conversation - THAT's the real blam in this for me!

Proudnscary · 10/02/2012 14:53

Hmmm

I'd be a bit creeped out, not scared.

My dh would probably laugh and tease me about the guy fancying me (not call me stupid - but if I said I was properly freaked he'd definitely reassure me.

So he's dismiss it but not in a way that made me feel stupid.

There's more to this isn't there?

elephantsteaparty · 10/02/2012 14:55

From what I can tell, some blokes find it hard to understand that women can be creeped out by, (what to them seems to be) fairly innocuous behaviour.

I had an incident last year with someone who lives fairly near me. He has problems (a known drunk) plus he really dislikes my DP (for no reason other than because of where DP used to work), but he always treats me like his long-lost best friend, which I find weird enough (but is just how he treats people he doesn't hate). Knowing what he's like I've always treated him civilly so's not to give him a reason to dislike me, but I've never encouraged conversation with him.

Anyway, he happened to be walking his dog two days running last year on my route home, so we ended up walking 100 m together both days. The first day was fine. The second he kept walking (past his road end) then started telling me how he loved me, would see me walking to work and having naughty thoughts about me...the works. I got away as soon as I could, got home and locked the door behind me (something I never do), and kept myself locked in the house for the weekend until DP came back. (DP was away for a few days at this point).

Now to be fair to DP, when I asked (by text) if he thought this guy was dangerous, he said yes, but when I told him what had happened he really couldn't see why I was so upset. Whilst I know nothing actually happened and that nothing was likely to happen the conversation had totally freaked me out and I really wanted to be heard and given reassurance. Not quite whatI got!

OP, I think yanbu but at the same time I can see where your DH is coming from, as far as I can see his reaction is not unique. That's not to say that I agree with it, and I do think he needs to give you support and reassurance, but I do think men can find these incidents hard to understand from a female pov.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2012 15:02

The delivery guy made you feel vulnerable in your own home. Your DH was dismissive of this. It is he who is BU, not you. I wonder if your DH was being defensive because it is effectively he who put you in the position of feeling 'weirded out'?

As to " 'what do you expect me to do?' " - take your own deliveries in future!

FlappyBaps · 10/02/2012 15:07

What elephantsteaparty said.

Kind of interesting to see how many people have had a similar experience...

I remember a few years ago being seconded out to a company where the guy I was reporting to seemed to be keeping me back late, getting really close when we were discussing things...can't really put my finger on it but it really made me uncomfortable (and I'm not easily weirded out).

My DH also dismissed it and what annoyed me about it was that he couldn't just accept that it felt wrong to me. All I wanted was a bit of reassurance and to feel safe, but we ended up having a big row as in my mind it made me feel like he was trivialising my feelings and wasn't prepared to just trust me.

It looks horribly like men just don't "get" it but as Margotandjerry says it's probably because they don't have a radar like we do for situations that could become dangerous. I'd be wary of blowing this up if otherwise your DH is pretty good at supporting you, trusting you etc - just put it down to another of those differences between them and us - but if it's indicative of a deeper problem then maybe it's time to have it out...

Blu · 10/02/2012 15:12

Your DH was rude and insensitive in dismissing your feelings - but remember you do not need your DH to validate what you feel.

diddl · 10/02/2012 16:21

"but remember you do not need your DH to validate what you feel."

Of course-but it wouldn´t really hurt to say "oh dear, hope you feel alright now".

Does that really not occur to most men at all?

CailinDana · 10/02/2012 16:33

To be honest I would find that situation a bit scary. The guy wasn't flirting with you, he was all but saying he wanted to have sex with you. I would find that quite threatening coming from an unfamiliar man who was in my house. I think my DH would be very angry about it and would be totally sympathetic to how I felt but I think he has an unusually good understanding of how vulnerable a woman can feel in this type of situation. I think because men rarely if ever face the threat of being raped, the possibility of it happening doesn't even cross their mind, whereas for a woman any slightly threatening situation with a male always carries that awful possibility. Men forget that women feel physically vulnerable in a way that they don't.

Apart from all that, your DH should never belittle you or call you stupid, that's just plain rude and I would never stand for it. Calling people names is what a four year old does.

Heleninahandcart · 10/02/2012 16:33

This man's behaviour probably felt more threatening because it took place at your home. It was intrusive in the place you are meant to feel safe. Then your DH, who you want to feel safe with, goes and dismisses your feelings about it. I'm not surprised you feel disturbed.

YANBU

Original poster

Sozcag · 11/02/2012 09:34

Thanks all. We had a chat and he didn't realise that I felt threatened as he would not. He accepts he was insensitive and it is sorted now. Sometimes these things do tend to come down to gender, I think.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 11/02/2012 12:25

Glad you've managed to get a resolution on this (did you show him the thread? )

I've missed the boat a bit here but what wierded you out was that the delivery guy was being predatory . That's very different to showing someone you like them, flirting etc.

I had a very similar experience when I worked in fashion retail but it was a woman who came on to me in a very predatory way and it really weirded me out. the distinction between flirting and predatory is imo when someone makes it clear that they have crossed a significant boundary and are already seeing you as theirs (but for an insignificant technicality - your agreement!). It dehumanises you. My boss (a woman) was dismissive about the predatory customer but I was shaken by it. And I wasn't in my home!

I also think that men don't get the kind of stuff we are subjected to. A friend's dad put his hand on my boob as we were the last to leave the room () and my current boyf thought it was funny (Carry On?) and laughed! (He didn't last long.) Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie did his research and went out dressed as a woman and was appalled at the predatory stuff s/he was subjected to.

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