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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to visit ex-DH on Valentine's Day?

39 replies

Sannebanana · 09/02/2012 21:27

It's another one of my H threads I'm afraid, sorry.

Very brief background: I'm 39 +2 with DD, first baby. H and I seperated badly a couple of months ago, we're currently in the process of divorcing and H is serving a prison sentence. He's not going to be in DD's life.

Today I got a letter through from H asking me to come and visit him. We have talked about this, I have agreed that yes I will go and see him at some point in the future, but my priority for the next few weeks is DD and I will only do so when it's the right time for me. So the pair of us agreed that I would contact him when I'm ready, not the other way round.

So now he's asked me to go and see him on Valentine's Day next week. AIBU to think this is a bit odd? H and I have never really made a big deal of Valentine's Day, but it still seems a bit weird somehow. Apart from anything DD is due on Valentine's Day . I know I most likely won't actually give birth on my due date, but that's not really the point. I was planning on sending back a to-the-point letter saying sorry, that date doesn't suit me but maybe in a few weeks. Then I made the mistake of discussing this with a friend, who thinks I'm being a bit unfair. It's not like I have plans with anyone else and H and I have never made a fuss about Valentine's Day, so to all intents and purposes it's just another day, and as long as I'm not having DD I should go. So should I? Really not sure now.

OP posts:

Kayano · 09/02/2012 21:29

No you shouldn't!!!

What a tool. I would NOT be doing him any favours. And on your due date too!! The bloody cheek

WibblyBibble · 09/02/2012 21:34

Ugh, of course you are not being unfair! He's lucky you'd go to visit him at all. Your friend is being a bit dim imo.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 09/02/2012 21:35

But you are separated .... You shouldn't be going to see him on valentines day of all days!

BigFatHeffalump · 09/02/2012 21:36

he probably wants to be seen having a visitor on valentines day. That's not really any of your business though. What a depressing way to spend an already depressing day!

McHappyPants2012 · 09/02/2012 21:36

Don't know the backstory but no way would I go into a prison fully pregnant.

Going into prison as a visitor you will get searched and at that stage of a pregnancy I wouldn't want it

wineandroses · 09/02/2012 21:42

No way! If you want to visit him (er...why?) then wait until you are good and ready, after the birth. Or if you don't feel like it, then don't go until you do. You are not at his beck and call, you are divorcing, he has no claim on you. I agree with BigFatHeff - he wants to be seen having a visitor on valentine's day (and a pregnant one too....oooo what a man!). Don't do it.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 09/02/2012 21:51

You need new friends. FFS - she should be supporting you, not him.

Do not go on Valentines Day, go on a day that suits you, after you have had DD and you are ready to go.

You are separated and he's not going to be in your DD's life. Don't give him any reason to believe you might re think this. Put your foot down and keep it down.

Sift through your friends.

2rebecca · 09/02/2012 22:07

I find it bizarre you are contemplating planned visits when you are due to have a baby.
He maybe hasn't thought about Valentine's day, if he has it's maybe a control thing to see if you are willing to be with him v another man on Valentine's day. Sounds weird and a bit creepy.
I'd use the baby as a valid excuse. Tell him you will go later, when you are ready.

mrstiredandconfused · 09/02/2012 23:48

Oh Sanna definitely NO NO NO! Wtaf is he playing at?

I think you also need to really think about your friendships tbh - this is the guy who asked you for a late TOP, hit you when you refused and said he wanted nothing to do with dd. Please please don't go, and fwiw I'd refuse to visit him ever. The man is a cunt and you and dd will be so much better off without him.

Hope you're ok, I've been thinking of you x

Pandemoniaa · 09/02/2012 23:53

Please don't visit him on Valentine's Day. I can't speak from experience but I'm fairly sure prison visitors are subjected to all sorts of search procedures which would be unpleasant at the best of times but absolutely hideous at 40 weeks pregnant.

If this is the absolute bastard that mrstiredandconfused refers to, please don't visit him ever. Rotting in hell sounds too good for him.

cestlavielife · 09/02/2012 23:53

No no
Why on earth would you go visit him on his request on your due date ?

He has some agenda here will prob ask you to reconsider.

I never did valentines with my exP Nor him for me

But when he knew I was going to leave and I had already told him we weren't together he did a massive v day thing it was really awful...

ifeelloved · 09/02/2012 23:55

Why are you even visiting him?

SplatSplatSplat · 09/02/2012 23:56

No no no. Was watching your other thread but missed why he went to prison. At least he won't be at the birth!!

anonacfr · 09/02/2012 23:57

On your due date? Are you kidding? You should be resting up in preparation for the birth not traipsing round a prison!

I thought he said he would wait for you to contact him anyway?

PS Oh shit now I remember your previous thread- he's the one who told you he didn't want anything to with his baby but wanted to attend the birth for closure? I didn't realise he was now in jail- what happened?
(sorry none of my business I know)

anonacfr · 09/02/2012 23:57

So have you chosen the names then?

GravityDefier · 10/02/2012 00:07

Could it be that he got a visiting slot for that day? I know someone who was in prison (another country) and he had to take what he got, could only have so many a month etc.

Not saying you should go, if you don't feel comfortable and don't want to then don't. Just wondering why he is being so specific about dates.

mrstiredandconfused · 10/02/2012 00:08

Sorry - think about your friendships - he has done all this and your friend thinks you're being unfair by not visiting him? Christ on a bike, love you need some bloody support, not criticism from your supposed "friend".

aldiwhore · 10/02/2012 00:17

I don't know your back story but assume from what I'm reading that your ex is a total and utter cock. And not just for being in prison.

If he's having nothing to do with your dd, why on earth are you having any contact at all with him?

Let alone contemplating visiting!

Don't go, don't even give it another thought, concentrate on your dd and yourself.

I'd consider moving far far away from his friends too.

Kleptronic · 10/02/2012 00:22

No, don't go there, do not go to that prison, stay away from that man. Apropos of nothing, as I don't know anything about it, but no. You are about to pod. You do not need this stress.

NatashaBee · 10/02/2012 01:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sannebanana · 10/02/2012 17:36

Sorry everyone, I was going to come back on here last night but I ended up going to bed at 8.30 I'm pregnant, I'm allowed!

I think the decision is that I'm not going to go. That's what I thought until I spoke to the friend, who in all fairness doesn't know the entire story behind H and I seperating/why H is in prison. That'll teach me to discuss these things with people who don't know the history!

BigFatHeffalump hadn't thought of that, but now you mention it I really wouldn't be surprised [sigh]

cestlavielife poor you, that sounds awful :(

Back in a minute, off to read the rest...

OP posts:

ISayHolmes · 10/02/2012 17:38

I think it's a sound decision. It's easy for your friend to pity him and get sentimental about Valentine's Day when she hasn't been involved with what has happened.

Original poster

Sannebanana · 10/02/2012 17:49

Just reread my last post, meant 9.30, not 8.30! Wrote the opening post and then decided I was shattered and went to bed, didn't type it in my sleep. Honest!

I've agreed to visit him for lots of reasons, don't really want to go into it on here though. But it absolutely will not be a regular thing, I've agreed to go once and then that's it, contact severed, once the divorce is finalised.

Aonacfr- I know, he did say I should contact him first, but I guess he forgot that part . Don't really want to go into too much detail, but he's in prison for assault and battery, there are also some other charges that haven't been taken to court yet.

I think that could possibly just be the visiting slot he was given, I'm not sure. I might get MIL to ask him for me, that seems to be the safest method of communication. [despairing icon]

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 10/02/2012 18:03

I think that you have to remember with abusive men it is all about control and dominance. They will not respect boundaries like a normal person would, they slowly inch their way around them by taking advantage of your kind and reasonable side, so you have to be absolutely rigid with them and not back down at all, using every reinforcement you can muster. Never be reasonable, never give them the benefit of the doubt, stick to your boundaries to the absolute letter, and make them stronger than they probably need to be. Your friend most likely does not have an understanding of abuse and so is acting under the belief that he is a normal person who would respect boundaries, and if he was, then of course you should be reasonable, but he isn't.

He knows that the arrangement was for you to contact him, so stand firm on this one. Just reply "That date is not good for me. I will contact you when I am ready, as previously agreed. Please do not contact me again regarding visiting." (or something along those lines) - don't say anything about "in a few weeks" or sound apologetic - this is about him transgressing your boundary that you would be the one to contact him. By asking you to come on a particular date, he's keeping the ball in his own court. If you write back saying "Maybe in a few weeks", he will likely take that as a licence to harrass you over the next few weeks asking when you are going to come. So stop him in his tracks :)

BertieBotts · 10/02/2012 18:05

And you can always check with MIL or with the prison directly about visiting times when you are ready - that information doesn't have to come from him.

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