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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie to 3yo about rabbit's death?

51 replies

BiWinning · 09/02/2012 17:02

Our ten year old rabbit died today. She's been inside and although the vet told me she was safe to go back outside with our other younger rabbit as long as they were warm and shielded, in two days she has died.

3yo DD doesn't know. I've looked into getting a new rescue rabbit and telling her that she's just dyed her hair like mummy does. I don't want to explain death to her right now.

AIBU to lie?

OP posts:

LaFilleSurLePont · 09/02/2012 17:04

YABVU.You should be honest. She isn't too young to be introduced to the concept of death. And better that her first experience of it is with the death of a pet and not a family member or friend.

bruxeur · 09/02/2012 17:05

Explain it over a nice stew.

AmandinePoulain · 09/02/2012 17:06

I don't think that you should lie. My grandfather is likely to die in the next few days, so I've explained to my 3yo that he is very very ill, and that he will probably die because his body is very old and tired. I'm not sure how much of it she understands but she's asked lots of questions and I've answered her truthfully in a way that she can understand. She is sad when I mention it but has mostly got on with things as normal. I don't think it's fair to lie to her, she'll find out the truth eventually anyway.

SenoritaViva · 09/02/2012 17:07

Honesty is better IMO - YABU

diddl · 09/02/2012 17:07

I would tell her-especially as there is still a rabbit left!

Can´t believe vet thought it was OK to go back out in these temps!

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/02/2012 17:08

fact of life is things die - i think you would be better to explain it in very simple and gentle terms.

theincredibequeenofwands · 09/02/2012 17:09

Yes, explain the death.

It is hard, but will need to be done at some point soon anyway.

Original poster

BiWinning · 09/02/2012 17:11

Vet said because they're used to being outside, have lots of hay and have a covering over the hutch they'd be fine. Guess not :(. I'm quite upset over it. She's been dear to me for so long.

Any ideas how I should approach her with it? Do I take her outside to see the empty cage? She knows a little about death as my mum and nan passed away before she was born and I talk to her about them a lot. Do I say she's gone to keep nanna company?

For someone who considers themselves decent with words I am clueless right now.

OP posts:

ZeldaUpNorth · 09/02/2012 17:13

You know what? I've just realised that when my parents said my rabbit Princess got stolen, then they were probably trying to cover up that she had died. Will have to ask dad at the weekend. Hmmm can't say i'm bothered but maybe best to tell the truth.

My mam died last year a few weeks before dd2 was 3 and i told her that she had died and was now in the sky. Just keep it simple in terms she can understand.

StrandedBear · 09/02/2012 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybythesea · 09/02/2012 17:15

Had to explain death to my 3 yo dd when we saw a sheep 'asleep' in a field and then saw the farmer loading it onto the front of his trailer and taking it back to the farm - it came very close to us so it was obvious it wasn't right (crows etc had been at it so it wasn't pretty)!
I told her that it had died and that meant it couldn't eat anymore, or move, and his friends might be sad, but that it was just his body left behind and the important bit of him - the bit that could love other people and animals - had gone to a place in the sky where he could always play and watch his friends. She was fine - mentions it sometimes but totally accepted it and got on with. Not the same as a pet I know but she did get a close up view of a fairly nasty side of death and it hasn't bothered her at all.

Tell the truth, in terms she understands. She will be far more accepting of it than you think. Kids usually are. And they grow up just knowing it then, rather than it being a big shock later on.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 09/02/2012 17:17

Dd at 3 came with me to have a very beloved rat pts, she was a total star, I was in bits.

Just keep it simple and she will be fine, wrong to shield them imo, children cope very well.

kingprawntikka · 09/02/2012 17:18

Oh I am so sorry about your rabbit.
We have had hamsters, mice , gerbils, guinea and rabbits.I won't lie to you and say your daughter won't be upset, but it is a part of life. We always let the children say goodbye to the body, write a little card or picture etc and then we had a little burial. My daughter used to like to make it pretty with flowers. I appreciate a rabbit may be too big for you to bury.
Judith Kerr's book Goodbye Mog is a good book on bereavement for children.

GrownUp2012 · 09/02/2012 17:20

Rabbits don't deal very well with rapid changes in temperature unfortunately, it's better to either keep them outside or inside in this sort of weather extreme.

I would tell the truth, they'll deal with it better than we think mostly.

Original poster

BiWinning · 09/02/2012 17:20

What do I do with her body? I mean, we only have a little soil in a concrete garden. I've been so caught up I haven't even thought!

OP posts:

kingprawntikka · 09/02/2012 17:26

The vet will cremate her for you. I don't know how much that cost though.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 09/02/2012 17:27

I think Y would BU to lie, my eldest was three when his great-granny died, we explained and he was fine. Death happens. She'll be fine. Trouble is if you lie then next time a pet/person dies will you lie again or tell her something confusingly different?

Councils/vets often offer a cremation service, then you could just draw a picture or something to remember. Sorry about your rabbit.

JamNan · 09/02/2012 17:41

Wow BiW your rabbit was ten years old! What a ripe old age. She must have been your loved pet too. I am so sad for you and your family. BUT...

YABU, why lie ?

Tell her that Dear Rabbit has become too tired and old and she cannot stay with us anymore. Even though you all loved her dearly the time has come to give her back to Mother Earth who will look after her. Let your DD see the body so she can say goodbye. Wrap it in a towel if it looks 'awful' but leave some fur showing to stroke. Have a small ceremony and a burial if possible.

Then have a think about why you don't want to explain death right now.

ll31 · 09/02/2012 17:45

YOu know your daughter best and if you don't feel its right to tell her then don't. Your her parent and all you're thinking of doing is sparing her some upset - I don't have any problem with not telling v young children what my parents would have called "white lies".

kilmuir · 09/02/2012 17:45

tell the truth, the vet killed the rabbit!

Original poster

BiWinning · 09/02/2012 17:46

The issue is obviously me and my issues with talking about death. I wasn't introduced to death young and when it happened in my life I was a bit shocked even though I understood the concept.

I don't advocate lies which is why I asked if I was BU. A lot of damily members thought I should gloss over it and I didn't know what to do for the best.

I will phone the vet tomorrow and shout at her ask about cremation and I'll talk to DD after breakfast. Hopefully I can pull myself together.

OP posts:

PippiL · 09/02/2012 17:49

We held a funeral for a ladybird called dotty.

ll31 · 09/02/2012 17:51

And she'll be fine , sometimes, though may be weather doesn't allow this where you are, we used to find that a burial for a pet was a nice way for kids also to deal with saying good bye etc . Like the idea of saying rabbit is with her gran now, good luck

kilmuir · 09/02/2012 17:54

I was being flippant sorry.
be honest, but gentle. children tend to take these things in their stride, usually us grown ups in pieces!

LilacWaltz · 09/02/2012 17:56

What illness did your rabbit have?

We lost one of ours this summer( myxi). My 3 year old was upset, but not half as upset as my 3 big teenagers!!! He was, well still is, very matter of fact about it.

Op, I feel for you. I ADORE our remaining rabbit. My dc think I'm loopy over him. But ten is a good age and perhaps would have died indoors anyway.

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