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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is more than just banter

28 replies

Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:02

I am friends on Facebook with my DN. she is 13 and has for some time been a bit rebellious. She has refused to let her parents see her Facebook and they have not pressed the issue (nasty break up and IMO are point scoring with the kids).

I saw yesterday that my DN had fallen out with a girl from school - let's call her Helen. It appears that Helen had then defriended my DN and posted a photo with a nasty comment. DN's friends it seemed all barrelled in online for the bun fight whilst posting on my DNs wall about how Helen was a stupid bitch etc etc and how good the 'banter' was on Helen's wall.

Now of course I couldn't see the 'banter' on Helens wall but I have an uneasy feeling that from Helen's point of view it wasn't banter but bullying.

Am I totally over reacting, is this just what teenagers are like? I feel I should say something to my DSis.

A bit of a ramble sorry but am unsure if I should do anything at all tbh

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/02/2012 12:04

Message your DN and ask if she is OK?

ElizabethDarcy · 09/02/2012 12:05

This is bullying - get hold of your DN.

puds11 · 09/02/2012 12:05

Maybe you could tell your neice to watch the panorama cyber bully documentry on BBCiplayer, this may change her opinion of watch constitutes 'banter'

Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:06

I'm pretty sure DN is fine as she seemed to be revelling in the attention and was asking to borrow someone's login to view the banter on Helen's wall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:08

Thanks puds I'll do that. It made me v uncomfortable. It seems it's so easy to be cruel online.

OP posts:
Sposh · 09/02/2012 12:09

I think it's really up to Helen to do something about it as she's the one being targeted. It wouldn't hurt to speak to your DN about kindness online.

Pseudo341 · 09/02/2012 12:09

Do you have enough information to report it facebook owners? Given how much crap they've been getting in the press for this sort of thing recently there's a chance they may actually do something about it.

squeakytoy · 09/02/2012 12:10

She has refused to let her parents see her Facebook and they have not pressed the issue

She is 13.. she doesnt get to call the shots, and her parents need to reign her in a bit.

mojitomania · 09/02/2012 12:10

Have a word with your sister.

LingDiLong · 09/02/2012 12:10

OP, I have 'unfriended' my similar aged nieces for the same kind of thing. I know me talking to my brother/sister will go down like a lead balloon - my kids are much younger so they (probably justly) think I don't know what I'm talking about and should butt out. But I can't bear to witness one niece behaving like a nasty bully to other kids in her school and the other niece being on the receiving end of bullying from the kids in her school. So I've taken a step back. I'm not sure what else you can do really.

Birdsgottafly · 09/02/2012 12:11

They do enjoy the attention, that can be part of the problem, it escatelates.

They usually figure out by around 15 that the troubleit causes isn't worth it and change how they use fb.

One of her friends could have munch screened it and shown her so the defriending is a way of getting others involved, they want this attention.

Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:15

Squeaky I quite agree its one of the reasons i want to keep an eye. Sadly Dad has v little interest in her and is only fussed about her DB and my DSis is point scoring by letting her do what she wants. I hate seeing it. Like Ling my DSis wouldn't really listen to me. I was thinking of approaching DN but suspect its a lost cause?

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 09/02/2012 12:17

This is why the registration level is supposed to be no younger than 13, and is often flouted, should be 16+ in my opinion, but how you'd police it I don't know.

I am always Shock that parents allow their under 13's to register, it's asking for trouble.

Sorry OP- not helping you am I ? Grin

Difficult one, I'd check with DN & see if you can offer a natter about life in general, maybe take her for a hot chocolate/shopping & some Aunty time?

SoupDragon · 09/02/2012 12:20

"This is why the registration level is supposed to be no younger than 13"

No it isn't.

I actually think that as the child moves through their teen years they are more vulnerable to bullying via Facebook anyway.

squeakytoy · 09/02/2012 12:27

I agree with soupdragon.. under 13 they are more likely to be pleasant to each other.. over 13 and relationships start coming in to the equation, which always brings with it lots of jealousy, bitching, stirring and fall outs with peers.. it has done long before the internet, and facebook just gives teens another outlet to bitch at and about each other. The problem then is that it isnt just words and rumours, because it is up there for everyone to see and pile in on.

Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:29

It just seems to move so fast, DN also edits v heavily removing anything remotely negative from her wall.

Sadly DN lives in another country and so it's more difficult to pop in for a chat.

I have little experience with teenagers (despite being one once) but DN would I imagine feel I am criticising her and take offence.... I think I need to think things through before I speak to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:32

Squeaky & Soupdragon do you think I should just leave it. If its normal teenage stuff it will blow over. If its anything more then I should see and I could have a word then?

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 09/02/2012 12:33

OP, I told my DN exactly why I was unfriending her. That I loved her dearly but didn't really like some of the stuff I was seeing on her wall so would rather be in a position where I can't see it.

It sounds a very similar position to my DN (divorced parents, a father who only has an interest in her brother). My sister has so many problems with her that she ends up letting stuff like this slide.

Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:36

Ling how did she react?? Was she bothered?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/02/2012 12:36

I would say leave it but keep an eye on it from a distance. Unless you can see what is on the other wall you dont really know the full story. It is normal teenage behaviour nowadays and the way that a lot of them speak to each other can come across as bullying but may not be in that context. If you have a reasonably close relationship with her, I would let her know that if she does have any problems, she can always speak to you..

Maryz · 09/02/2012 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2012 12:42

If your DN is genuinely OK about it then it is failed bullying if it isn't banter. You could just message her and ask if she is OK with it and say that if she ever needs to talk to someone other than parents to talk to that you are there.

LingDiLong · 09/02/2012 12:44

OP, she was upset and huffed about to my mum a bit. I'm hoping that means she took something from it, however small - maybe an understanding that not everyone is going to give her loads of attention when she behaves like a brat.

Maryz · 09/02/2012 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 09/02/2012 12:49

Maryz that's right. My DN was unable to write on Helen's wall but her friends did.

Her last post last night was "And I think thats all for tonight lads??! 1-0 Hahahahahahahaha" then her friends agreed with "I kick the bitches ass!! Hahah" and such nonsense....

OP posts: