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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this a reasonable question on a job application?

57 replies

NomDePrune · 09/02/2012 11:03

Please give any experiences of any major losses in the last two years (i.e. bereavement, divorce, illness etc.)
The job is manager of a charity shop, the charity is a hospice.

OP posts:

emsyj · 09/02/2012 11:04

How is it relevant to the job of managing a shop?

I wouldn't answer it and would consider it intrusive and irrelevant, but prepared to be convinced...

Original poster

NomDePrune · 09/02/2012 11:06

Yes that was my first thought, but then I don't have any of those experiences, but then are you at an advantage (as far as they are concerned) if you do? Or rather, would they look more favourably on you?

OP posts:

numbertaker · 09/02/2012 11:10

my only thought could be a possible clue to mental state. I would not answer it.

emsyj · 09/02/2012 11:10

If the job is to manage a shop then I don't see how that sort of life experience would help or hinder really - very odd. Unless they think that having some sort of experience of bereavement will make you more motivated to raise the money for the hospice by running the shop well?? Doesn't follow as far as I am concerned...

Why not ring up and ask why they want to know and what they're looking for from that particular q?

MosEisley · 09/02/2012 11:10

Strange question on a job application. Wonder if they have had bad experiences employing people who have sad things happening in their lives?

Anyway, I think it is too personal a question to ask so I'd leave it blank. If they invite you to interview and ask you again you can just say no.

If you don't have any of those experiences it would be stupid to make one up, even if you thought it would be an advantage.

Original poster

NomDePrune · 09/02/2012 11:14

I wasn't going to make one up!
I think it's a question best left to an interview, if they really need to know.

I'm thinking maybe the form is for all vacancies so could include jobs at the hospice itself, where that info might be more relevant.

OP posts:

MosEisley · 09/02/2012 11:17

Sorry, Nom, didn't mean to imply that you were. Just wondering about why it would be seen to be an advantage to have been bereaved i.e. empathy with those the hospice supports. Makes sense then that the form would be for all vacancies.

TheParanoidAndroid · 09/02/2012 11:17

I would imagine its relevant to work in the hospice proper, people can tend to gravitate to a place like that to work through their own bereavments, which can be highly inappropriate.
But I would think it was a question for interview stage rather than application form.

iseenodust · 09/02/2012 11:20

YABU You are looking for customer service skills and a degree of empathy. You will get better sense of whether has empathy if ask a role based question at interview.

Many years ago on a job appplication form 'please write about the most sad experience in your life'. I got arsey and replied 'finding that such an intrusive question could be included on a basically administrative form and asked of someone you have never met.' The company concerned made toilet rolls! Needless to say I was not invited for interview but I hope they took it off the questionnaire

TheRhubarb · 09/02/2012 11:21

It's a good question to pose to them at the interview, as to whether they feel that having experienced a bereavement is an advantage to managing a hospice charity shop.

IME not all the people who come into a charity shop do so to buy things. Some lonely people stop for a chat, others might want to talk to someone about their loss and could think it a good place to do that, or perhaps the volunteers in the shop have suffered a loss themselves and that's why they are working there. So I guess they might want to know if you can relate to those experiences and would know how to deal with, for example, a man coming into the shop every day to talk about his late wife.

There would be advantages and disadvantages I would have thought to have had experienced bereavement yourself. On the one hand you can relate to others but also you might be more prone to feeling more sympathy and not being tough on those who come to the shop merely for a chat.

I would think that you need to be empathetic towards those who have lost a loved one, but also be very aware that you are running a business and so you need to sometimes put your emotions to one side and act professionally. That might be more difficult if you have suffered a loss yourself.

bruffin · 09/02/2012 11:27

It is because it is a Hospice. A friend of mine wanted to volunteer working in a Hospice and they were not allowed to do it if they had a loss within 2 years.

ZillionChocolate · 09/02/2012 11:28

I wondered whether they were hoping that you've got any disasters out of the way and won't need any time off.

Original poster

NomDePrune · 09/02/2012 11:30

Makes you wonder what other charities could be asking:
NSPCC - were you abused as a child?
PDSA - have you ever had a pet?

OP posts:

Original poster

NomDePrune · 09/02/2012 11:31

Zillion how could anyone possibly know that?!

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 09/02/2012 11:34

Zillion - in that case they would be looking for an orphaned widow whose children have all died and who has no friends. Mind you, that wouldn't count out "illness". Maybe they would do a full body scan, blood work etc. too.

SpacegirlRevisited · 09/02/2012 11:36

I applied for a job with The Cinnamon Trust some time ago and was asked:

Date of birth
Marital Status
Partners name, date of birth and address
Number of dependants
Number of pets

None of their business as far as I'm concerned.

bruffin · 09/02/2012 11:38

It's not to do with time off, its to do with how death may affect you when you are so close to a bereavement yourself.

ITryToBeZenBut · 09/02/2012 11:38

I teach yoga voluntarily in a rehab centre and they had to check I had no 'ishoos'. They did this quite nicely by asking me in the application form, and at interview, to explain what I thought the main challenges would be in working in a rehab centre with such clientele and how I felt I would respond to them.

Could you do something similar - perhaps ask a generic quetsion like this and see if candidates recognise the need to be sensitive and you can then explore safely at interview without ever asking direct personal questions which are no-no's. They talked to me at interview about why it was important to them to ensure I had no emotional issues that might be triggered/affect me adversely and I was free to volunteer anything relevant to discuss.

Bramshott · 09/02/2012 11:39

Whilst I agree it wouldn't generally be appropriate, I think Bruffin's explanation is probably the correct one.

Tildabewildered · 09/02/2012 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZillionChocolate · 09/02/2012 11:42

I think it would be ridiculous, but I can't think it would be an appropriate question in any circumstances.

Why would a divorce prevent you from managing a hospice shop? You'd think that "why do you want this job?" at interview would reveal anyone who was unsuited.

porcamiseria · 09/02/2012 11:43

dont answer it! FFS!!!!! cant be legal

Original poster

NomDePrune · 09/02/2012 11:45

ZenBut - I'm applying, not employing!
Bruffin - death in a hospice, yes, but in a shop??

Also occurs to me that volunteers, who I'd be managing, may have recent experiences like this and would need to be sensitive to them.
This is helping my application, thanks

OP posts:

Conflugenglugen · 09/02/2012 11:45

I've worked in a hospice, and it is an entirely appropriate and standard question. The reason for it is that you will be approached by people in a shop who have been bereaved, and in a sense you will be playing a counselling role to them. If you have had a loss or bereavement recently (two years is a standard window), then you might not be as mentally prepared or able to deal with someone else's loss.

I was a bereavement counsellor, and I attended training sessions with many hospice shop volunteers who were often at the (completely understandable) receiving end of a customer's pain and anger. If you've dealt with your own first, then you can more ably deal with theirs.

Birdsgottafly · 09/02/2012 11:47

That may be a generic question for the charity.

A totally reasonable one in some circumstances. The research into grief is that it can be around any loss,not just death. If that loss is not worked through it can influence how you dealwith someone else going through the grieving process (for any reason), read Kobler Ross, stages of grief.

How you react is called restimulation. You need to get rid of your own stuff before carrying out some jobs otherwise you are bringing your own experience into the equation and not theirs.

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