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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's DH who needs to wisen up and not me?

40 replies

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 07:02

Bit of background; DH was made redundant when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I am on mat leave from a part time job. His job hunt isn't going very well. I have contacted work about going back early but that really doesn't solve the financial issue as I earn less than FT on NMW due to my number of hours. I started job hunting a couple of weeks ago and although my initial searches were for jobs related to my former career I struggled to eve find anything to apply for. I have gradually expanded my searches to find jobs to apply for looking for literally anything I should be capable of doing. It is hard as I am not trained for anything else.

DH and I had a fight about it yesterday as he thinks I am selling myself short and should restrict myself to more professional jobs that I was trained for. I on the other hand don't think we can presume to aspire to any more than NMW if we are ever to work again. Of course I am sad at never having a career again but don't think we can afford to be picky if we are to work, feed our family and keep a roof over our heads. This is going to be even more difficult when DH's entitlement to contribution based JSA runs out and we will only have my wages an CB to live on. HE even threatened to leave as he didn't want to live iwth someone so defeatest as I wasn't the woman he married. I think letting your family starve because you won't try and do what it takes is more defeatest.

Please excuse typing, Dd in my arms so typing one handed.

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WelshMoth · 09/02/2012 07:07

Sounds like your DH is venting on you for his inability to find a job of his own. You sound pretty sensible to me - keeping your family afloat is the main priority here. He's not being fair, at all.

Can I ask - what's NMW?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 09/02/2012 07:09

YANBU at all. Your DH is being precious in times when people can ill afford to be so.
He should be admiring you and supporting you in doing your best to get a job. Is he doing the same? And as for threatening to leave you, fuck! That's just childish, imo.

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 07:10

NMW is national minimum wage.

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CoffeeBucks · 09/02/2012 07:13

Being made redundant is horrible and it is quite easy to lash out at your loved ones in the way your DH is doing - however, that is awful to live with and doing no-one any favours. Threats to leave are definitely not helping the situation. How much support is your DH getting from the JobCentre/etc? Is there a specific reason why his job search isn't going well -lack of jobs in his line of work, struggling with applications or interviews, or something else?

I'm assuming as you've not mentioned it that there's no option for you to go back to your job FT. Do you enjoy your current job?

In the meantime make sure you are getting all the benefits that you're entitled to. I do think your DH is being an arse, but try not to get into a competition about who is being more defeatist.

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/02/2012 07:14

Welsh - it's National Minimum Wage, I think.

HD - I can see this from both sides, to be fair. I think you're being pragmatic and realistic about the situation right now but that doesn't mean you'll never have a career again. It just means that you'll have some money coming in to support your family. There 's also no reason not to suppose that something you start as NMW couldn't lead to promotion etc for either of you. Or you may find an opportunity to create your own business from something you see is lacking when working.

I'm not being "Pollyanna" here. I think you are being a little fatalistic (but very understandably) and your DH (who will be feeling crap at the minute, I suspect) is being more idealistic.

randommoment · 09/02/2012 07:14

NMW= National Minimum Wage, I assume.

I think DH is probably panicking inside because he's having no joy job-hunting either and is distracting himself by thinking about your job-hunting prospects instead.
Is he confining his job-hunt to his own career? If you start looking for jobs that aren't to do with your previous career, is it making him feel bad that he's hanging on in there holding out for his preferred choice instead of willingly taking on anything to get through these hard times?

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2012 07:15

You're right, he is wrong. You need to put food on the table and there's nothing stopping you to continue to look for professional posts if you're in another job.

I kind of see where he's coming from but he needs to be realistic. Threatening to leave over this is way ott, he should be supporting you.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 09/02/2012 07:17

Yes, other PPs are right - being made redundant is awful and affects self esteem so badly. Both DH and I have been through it at different times.Your DH is probably lashing out, but that does not make it any less painful for you when he behaves that way and when you are trying to do your best.

sunshineandbooks · 09/02/2012 07:21

If you're on a low income you will get tax credits as well. Try this site to see what you might get. It may give you enough of a breathing space to work out what to do.

Yes, your DH needs to wise up. If he's job-hunting himself he can hardly tackle you - who has a job - for not being ambitious enough. And if it's so easy, why hasn't he found a better job himself? I think his frustration at not being able to find another job is probably the main reason for him heaping this on you.

That said, I think it's lovely that he sees you as worth so much more. It's worth thinking about it. We still live in a man's world when it comes to employment. More men are in top jobs than women, there's still a pay gap, and men are still socialised to consider ambition a good thing while women are still socialised to consider work secondary to their family's needs, which inevitably includes working crappy jobs to provide for basic needs. I know that's a massive generalisation but it's surprising how often it applies.

For men there is so much self-worth tied up in providing for your family, which many feel is best measured by how much you earn. In this case, he's transferred that on to you as well. It doesn't mean he's sexist BTW it just means that he and you have different perspectives about 'providing' which are based on our cultural norms and are different for each gender (if the same messages were sent, we'd see a much more equal split of childcare responsibilities and income by gender). He probably doesn't realise how much harder for you it will be to move into a higher paid job simply because you are a woman because he has never been a woman and a lot of the stuff that makes it harder for women is very, very subtle.

Out of interest, what would happen to the baby if you work full-time. Does he see himself as a SAHD? What would happen if he found another job? Would he expect his job to take priority in terms of who takes a day off when the baby is ill, etc?

It's horrible that you're having to stress about this while on ML. This is the time you should be enjoying family life. I really feel for you. I think all you can do here though is keep on talking and do your best to understand each other's POV even if you don't agree with it. You need to pull together rather than against each other. Good luck with the job hunting.

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 07:33

Sorry baby was screaming again, trying to stop her waking her dad up as that will make him more grumpy. Supposed to be doing a job application just now but can't concentrate due o stopping every few sec to pic dd up.

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SuchProspects · 09/02/2012 07:39

I think you're both right. Niether of you are being unreaaonable. And I'm sorry your having such a hard time. Losing your job is horrible.

In the end you need to feed your family. But if you take jobs that have little prospects (which is what it sounds like you're suggesting) you will find it hard to work back up to a more stable financial footing. So holding out for as long as you possibly can looking for a job in you field is sensible.

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 07:41

See can't afford typing like that in job application.

DH has had one unsuccessful interview, one rejection an no reply from anything else. He is quite picky about what he applies for but not as picky as he wants me to be.

I asked about increasing my hours but there is a hiring freeze and that includes existing staff increasing hours.

He says he will stay at home with dd unless between us we can earn enough to pay for child care. I will do all the housework though. We calculated that 2 x NMW @40HRS- child care-2 bus passes = -9. Have a 6 yr old too.

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Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 07:48

Meant to add we applied for CTC (don't work enough hours for WTC) and have been turned down. Got the letter on Saturday, they say not entitled as DH was working in the 2010/2011 tax year. :( DH is on contribution based JSA which you only get for 6 months so in 3.5more months our income will be my wages +CB. That will cover rent,CT, gas and electric so we will be fine if we avoid eating Confused.

I see what you are saying such but our savings are almost gone. So far I have only found 1 job to apply for in my field and a week after closing date I have heard nothing. So I am already unemployable in that sense. I think we have to accept we will never be comfortable again but if I can find something we can at least eat, that is preferable surely.

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IDontDoIroning · 09/02/2012 08:03

He will do child care while you work but is expecting you to do housework!!!
What a prince.

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 08:09

I just know he won't do it. I asked him to wash the dishes yesterday. He filled the sink and put them in. An hour later I needed the sink as I was rushing about to get as much done as possible before DD woke again so I washed them. That started another fight as he said I was making him feel useless. :(

I will apply for jobs in my old field in the unlikely event they come up, I've not given up entirely. I am just convinced we can't afford to wait. TBH it feels unlikely I'll be successful in getting anything, I feel unemployable. I do know how redundancy feels, that's how I ended up part time in the first place, couldn't find a job that fitted with childcare after redundancy a few years ago. That was manageable at the time but not now DH isn't working.

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igetcrazytoo · 09/02/2012 08:47

I agree this is a difficult one. Men's egos are bound up in their ability to work and earn money for their family - so you looking for more menial work may on an instinctive level make him feel that you don't have faith in his ability to get a decent job.

Can you compromise and put a time limit on how long you look for a career job - say until some of the benefits run out. If you still can't find anything, then he'll have had time to come around to the idea of you doing something less.

If you go hell for leather for a decent job, it allows you to focus better rather than trying to apply for anything and everything. I'm sure the comment about leaving was said in the heat of the moment, and is regretted already.

good luck

GnomeDePlume · 09/02/2012 08:51

TBH I think you both need to wise up. Now is not forever. The best qualification for getting a job is having a job.

Your DH (I am assuming that this would work best for your family unit) needs to get working as soon as possible and not necessarily in his precise field. He needs to look at his CV and look at his transferrable skills and make sure those shout out. If all he can find is at NMW then so be it, it isnt defeatist. As soon as the country starts to move out of recession then he will be able rebuild his career.

The same really applies to you as well. NMW isnt a death sentence and you need to look at transferrable skills as well. If you can both keep working through this recession then you will be well placed as things start to improve.

Keep looking at benefits and get some advice, you may find that once you are in the 2012/13 tax year that your entitlement changes.

upwalthambarnsahoy · 09/02/2012 08:53

Please try speaking to the Tax Credits people again - although they usually calculate entitlements based on the prior year's income (i.e. 2010/11 at the moment) they can calculate on current year income estimates where there has been a change in your circumstances as there has been with you and your DH (assuming that your income for 2011/12 will be lower than £40k).

You can ring them on 0345 300 3900.

OnlyANinja · 09/02/2012 08:55

You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 08:59

Our income for 2010/11 was less than 40K but the calculated my earnings as WTE. I wish I was earning that, we'd be OK then.

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MurmuringClothDoll · 09/02/2012 09:04

Can I ask what your field is?

Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 09:04

They not the. Can someone send going for a nap vibes to dd please, it's the only chance I have of doing this application.

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Hecubasdaughter · 09/02/2012 09:05

Pharmaceutical, DH is IT and logistics.

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MurmuringClothDoll · 09/02/2012 09:28

It's not a long term solution perhaps but has DH looked at the work available on People Per Hour? There are tonnes of IT type projects crying out for skilled people....I work through them a lot and my field is not even as in demand as your DHs.

Have a look...it's a very good site. Free to join, you get 8 free bids a month and then bid on jobs in your field. You set your price and if you get the job, the client places a deposit with PPH and at completion, the payment is released in full to you.

PPH get 10%.

It has saved my DH and I many times when I get a project and some extra cash.

MurmuringClothDoll · 09/02/2012 09:29

You have to declare the earnings obviously...he could end up freelancing full time if he likes it.