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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this was a very cruel mind game to play on an 8yo?

56 replies

Oneboredeveryminute · 08/02/2012 22:27

Several DC in my DC's class had been invited back to a friend's for a special tea tonight.
One of these DC has been "acting up" at home recently (very unspecific).
This DC was told "I don't know if you deserve to go to the tea party - I haven't decided yet - and so I will tell you at the end of the school day."
Why on earth not tell the DC no/yes in the morning rather than keeping them in an unpleasant suspense throughout the day ? Obviously all the DC involved would be chatting away excitedly about it, and the unknowing DC would have had to be party to this, while not knowing if they would be included in the fun.
Just made me very sad for the child.
AIBU in thinking this is not a good parenting strategy?
(I know, I know I should MMOB, but this has really concerned me today - I do not plan on interfering.)

OP posts:
maddening · 08/02/2012 22:43

my little dbro when he was 6 was messing around in assembly (not alone) and was singled out and brought up and told off in front of the school.

Afterwards the headmaster (who was a prize c**t) took dbro aside and gave him an envelope saying "this envelope has a letter in telling your parents how naughty you have been - you must look after it all day but musn't read it " so my dbro who was (and still is) a sensitive little soul, worried all day. At the end of the day HM told him to open the envelope and it was empty - mind games with children is totally wrong imo!

Sarsaparilllla · 08/02/2012 22:44

Sounds fine to me, if the child doesn't behave he doesn't get to go to the party, it's making him think about his behaviour in relation to being able to do something nice

hiddenhome · 08/02/2012 22:44

But those parents don't have to live with the child who's being punished. You can't judge others until you've lived their life for a time. I wouldn't like other parents discussing my decisions, but I never mix with them anyway, so it's not an issue, but talking about it seems very judgey Sad

jade80 · 08/02/2012 22:47

A stretch? If the child has been a pain at home for a while as you say, perhaps they have exhausted other options. So do they carry on with more of the same, or do something that actually hits home? I'd have more to criticise about someone who just shrugged and let them carry on.

LynetteScavo · 08/02/2012 22:48

The parent is obviously far too soft, spending a day considering letting the child go. They should a have just said no in the morning. Then the child would have spend the day listening to the friends chatting about the tea without a glimmer of hope of going.

What type of unspecific acting up has the child been doing. I certainly don't share all my DCs bad behavior with other people. I don't want to see their shocked faces. I majorly dilute the information I give out.

Honeydragon · 08/02/2012 22:49

Oh feck I did something similar with DS (8) am I being judged as a bitch?Or are you posting about me? Sad

He was playing up rotten on the way to school, had completely ignored something he needed to bring despite my handing it to him so we had to go back. I was furious. He was going to a birthday do for his friend the next day. I pointed out that because of his lateness and obnoxiousness I had missed his friend mother to sort out arrangements so he may not be able to go and to think on that.

I know fine well that at break time he'd speak to the boy in question get the info then, and also no them well enough that they'd conspire to get him there whether he was in trouble or not Grin

But Ds needed to realise that unpleasant actions can often have unpleasant consequences

jade80 · 08/02/2012 22:50

''But there was nothing the child could do from that point to affect the decision. So why not just say "because of XYZ you are not going to soandsos after school tonight"?''

Because that is over and done with and has less impact. You think it's harsh, but that's exactly the point- it will have more impact.

thepeoplesprincess · 08/02/2012 22:51

Maybe the mother genuinely needed all day to decide if a punishment was really warranted, or whether they'd just all had a stressy morning and no real harm done IYSWIM.

troisgarcons · 08/02/2012 22:51

I still cant make actual sense of the OP ....who said what?

CardyMow · 08/02/2012 22:53

Maybe, like my DS1, they KNOW they have been naughty at home, and they ask while you are on the way to school, trying to juggle a BF baby with 2 PE kits, 2 different sets of cookery ingredients, 4 dc in total, 2 with SN, trying not to miss your bus, extremely harassed, and the parent absent-mindedly said "I'll tell you after school" because they weren't really listening...Blush.

Not that I've ever been guilty of that, oh no siree

(I did apologise after school, but it then transpired that he was trying to get me to say yes when he already KNEW he had been told he couldn't go, and he admitted to 'chancing his luck' by asking again while I was distracted...some dc are wily!)

GrahamTribe · 08/02/2012 22:53

I don't see the problem. The child is old enough to understand that bad behaviour has consequences.

Honeydragon · 08/02/2012 22:54

Trois

Child was naughty at home child was invited to friends party

At school in the morning childs mother said I still don't know if I should let you attend this party tonight (due to bad behaviour at home) I'll think about it today and let you know.

Child has to wait till collected at school by mother to find out if he will be allowed to attend the party that night

Is how I read it

EauDeLaPoisson · 08/02/2012 22:54

Sorry maddening that made me chuckle!!!

squeakytoy · 08/02/2012 22:56

I dont see the problem either. The child is old enough to reflect that their bad behaviour may have consequences.

Honeydragon · 08/02/2012 22:57

Hunty

Or she's already threatened no party and he tried to call her bluff when it was mentioned in front of friends thinking she wouldn't say no and she stuck to her guns on earlier threat

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/02/2012 23:11

So, there was a group of you standing together this morning at the school gates discussing this woman's parenting? Nice.

You might not agree with her but, as others have said, maybe she means business? An 8 year old is well able to comprehend that poor behaviour has consequences. By the sounds of things, this woman is being strong and consistent - good enough 'parenting' in my book.

And as for "cruel mind game", really? I've seen some kids being subject to some proper cruel mind games in my life - some perspective needed here I think.

Original poster
Oneboredeveryminute · 08/02/2012 23:31

No, Jock, there was a group of mums standing discussing the arrangements this morning, including the mum of the said child. All talking openly about the matter. Hmm

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 08/02/2012 23:47

Are you sure you know the full story?

It's possible that the child had been banned, and was (by demonstrating good behaviour) earning back the possibility of being allowed to go after all. The parent might just have given the child the good news that she's on the point of relenting (but for wider reasons, will not make it too easy). Unless you know the family very well, it's unlikely you know enough to rule this scenario in or out. That's why it's MYOB.

Dustinthewind · 09/02/2012 01:28

'But there was nothing the child could do from that point to affect the decision'

How can you know that? There have been times, with certain individuals who had challenging behaviour, when I reported to parents at the end of every day. Several children also had a record card for every session.
If they had tried their best during the day, then the parent could use that as a way of judging how to reward their efforts. If they hadn't, the parent imposed a relevant sanction.
I do think you should take your own advice and MYOB.

flyingspaghettimonster · 09/02/2012 04:17

I think you are viewing it from the position of a grown up who probably would have worried about it all day as a chid. I don't think today's kids would care as much. I know I was used to that sort of psychological mind fuck from my step dad, who would make me beg to be allowed to a party then not tell me I could go or not until the last minute, or change his mind and say no after he had agreed to something. Is it not a generational thing though? My son wouldn't believe for a minute that I would say no. It wouldn't worry him a minute of the day and he would be shocked if I did say no in the evening. He knows I am not a soft touch and have stopped play dates before for bad behaviour, but it wouldn't matter much to him as there are so few days he doesn't have a fun thing to do so mind games wouldn't work so well...

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 09/02/2012 06:40

Given that you are privy to such a teeny tiny snapshot of this scenario I have no reservation in saying you are being wholly unreasonable.

Gribble · 09/02/2012 07:28

YABU, sounds perfectly fine to me

and yes MYOB

cory · 09/02/2012 08:08

Let's just hope that the other children don't end up misbehaving and the birthday child ends up with no party through no fault of his own.

I am not fond of this particular type of discipline as it can end up spoiling the day for a child who hasn't done anything, just because somebody else's parent is using them as a disciplinary aid.

Remembering how terribly upset my own dd was when she was used in this way- a day she had really been looking forward to spoiled to discipline somebody else when she had been as good as gold and really excited about it- I tried hard to be more thoughtful in my punishments.

W0rmy · 09/02/2012 08:25

I don't see this as 'mind games', it's perfectly acceptable to offer insentive and reward surely? if your behaviour is good today you will be able to go to the party What's up with that?

cory · 09/02/2012 08:34

What's wrong with it from my pov is that it also punishes the host of the party- the birthday child. You wouldn't do it to a grown-up host: ring them up just before the dinner party and say you were cancelling because your child had been naughty so you had to stay at home and punish them rather than let them go to grandma's or whatever. If it was an adult who was affected, you wouldn't think it was enough of an excuse to explain that your dc was so difficult that you simply had to punish them.
I've never seen any evidence to suggest that children care less about having their special guests cancelled. What would be rude to an adult, is in this case also rude to a child imho.