to think that this was a very cruel mind game to play on an 8yo?

[Oneboredeveryminute]

Several DC in my DC's class had been invited back to a friend's for a special tea tonight.
One of these DC has been "acting up" at home recently (very unspecific).
This DC was told "I don't know if you deserve to go to the tea party - I haven't decided yet - and so I will tell you at the end of the school day."
Why on earth not tell the DC no/yes in the morning rather than keeping them in an unpleasant suspense throughout the day ? Obviously all the DC involved would be chatting away excitedly about it, and the unknowing DC would have had to be party to this, while not knowing if they would be included in the fun.
Just made me very sad for the child.
AIBU in thinking this is not a good parenting strategy?
(I know, I know I should MMOB, but this has really concerned me today - I do not plan on interfering.)

Well, you don't know the context do you?

And yes, myob.

Poor little one, that is rather mean

If said child has been playing up, perhaps a day of suspense may make them think twice.

Oh pictish, I am all for sanctions for misbehaviour. I just felt this was almost playing a game to be cruel.

Mean. Very mean.

MYOB

I think it's perfectly reasonable to do this. ds1 'acts up' at home and it's extremely depressing, disruptive and makes us all stressed, so he needs something to focus his mind on and perhaps remind him not to 'act up' in the future. Some people's home lives are a struggle and some kids are just bloody minded.

Really? Isn't it to make the child behave well during the day at school?

The child could have been having issues at school in which case a 'lets see how the day unfolds' is fair enough.

My eldest didn't know if he was going to go to Cubs tonight as he's been in trouble this week (I'm on his side as he's being bullied, but his reaction has started to be to bully others - not happening!) his teacher said he'd been great and very controlled so he went to Cubs.

YABU if you don't know the full details.

I think it's horribly mean but I am soft as shit with my two

I think it's fair enough. Kids get so many treats nowadays, and often take them for granted. A little bit of doubt as to whether child could attend this party might bring home to them how lucky they are. YABU. And Myob.

Maybe said child has been a pain in the backside and not been bothered by other sanctions. In which case a day of suspense might be an effective kick up the arse to make life at home more pleasant for everyone.

It's not a nice thing to do..it's the suspense thing as you say. She must have known what the decision was before the child went to school. What was the outcome?

I would do same, perhaps in future he will think before making the house unhappy

It would have been better to say that he could go if his teacher said he had been well behaved at school or if she had said it the day before and let him go if he was good that night. But I don't think it was that bad. An 8 yo knows if they are being naughty there could be consequences, they are old enough to behave well of they want to if they are NT.

Clawdy, but surely the suspense is the point? Something the child actually cares about? It's hardly effective if they don't care, is it?

No party.
Which is totally fair enough, if that what the appropriate consequence needed to be.
It's just the waiting for the outcome in such a public manner that has saddened me.

This has nothing to do with how the behaviour was at school. That's fine. It was about home behaviour. So the 9-3 at school behaviour could not affect the outcome at all.

Yes, NT.

Surely it would be 'sadder' if they just let the kid run rampant and end up with a troubled life.

Reading the OP, im not sure who is telling what.

ids the host mother telling a child htey have to behave?
is ithe host child saying you cnat come if you dont behave?
Is it a 3rd hand story from an invitee child?
is the mother of one of the invitees?

Fair comment really if it the mother of an invitee - dont be a little shit again and you get to go to party - act like a satanic devil brat and rewards are withdrawn.

Sounds like an example or proper parenting IMHO

That's a stretch isn't it jade80?

Sometimes you have to do these things with some kids Oneboredeveryminute. ds1 can be so awful I have to be very 'creative' with my sanctions and they do work, but nobody who's in the least be soft could ever implement them. When you've had years and years of shit from a child you need to draw the line somewhere and get tough. I would never, ever do something like that with ds2, but he's a very different child and would never act the way ds1 does. Horses for courses and all that.

This was discussed in the playground this morning with the other invitees' parents.

But there was nothing the child could do from that point to affect the decision. So why not just say "because of XYZ you are not going to soandsos after school tonight"?