Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH shouldn't back out of his commitment just because "something better has turned up"

26 replies

muffinmonster · 07/02/2012 21:46

Sorry, this is boring and trivial but it is really annoying me.

A year ago, after running a successful quiz night for our local church, DH agreed he would do one again this year. A few weeks ago we agreed a date in March. The woman who organises social events for the church is a friend of ours, has been for years. DH and I do the quiz together - he writes the questions and is quizmaster, I help with the scoring etc.

Anyway, today we have been invited to a big birthday party that clashes with the quiz night - again, good friends and I would love to go to the party. DH says he is going to the party. He will write the quiz but they will have to get someone else to be quizmaster on the night.

I think this is really bad form and that he is letting people down and backing out of a commitment. His attitude is "Yes, I said I would do it, but now something else has turned up that I'd rather do".

My suggested solution is that we do the quiz night and go along to the party afterwards (both are local) - I reckon we would still catch a couple of hours of partying.

AIBU to:

(a) think this is really crap of him
(b) to consider going to the quiz night myself anyway and turning up late to the party.

OP posts:
toddlerama · 07/02/2012 21:47

Yanbu. On either count. You can't make him do anything but you can prioritise an earlier commitment.

pictish · 07/02/2012 21:47

It is crap of him. Totally.

He can do the quiz, then go to the party afterwards.

Ditching prearranged stuff for a better offer is well shoddy.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2012 21:48

To be fair, if he's writing the questions then all they need is a volunteer to read them out.

Is no-one else up for it?

GnomeDePlume · 07/02/2012 21:50

YANBU, very bad manners on your DH's part. I would lose a lot of respect for someone who did that.

Go to the quiz first then party after if the party host is happy with that.

Ragwort · 07/02/2012 21:51

Yes, this would really annoy me too but you can't force your DH to change his mind - will he consider doing the quiz and then going to the party later? If not I would let your friend at the church know straight away that your DH will still prepare the quiz but is unable to be the quizmaster so that she has time to find someone else.

We have a similar situation, have arranged to organise cub camp but now been invited to a wedding overseas in a really unusual and interesting place ............ we turned it down as we felt we had made the comittment to camp first Sad.

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 21:52

I note you say he 'agreed' to do this quiz. Which sounds like he didn't much want to in the first place, so I can have some sympathy with him preferring to go to a party elsewhere. He might also want them to be sufficiently narked that they stop asking him to do stuff for them.

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 21:53

There is also the fact that it won't actually harm the quiz or the quizgoers' enjoyment of it if someone else reads out the questions, whereas a good friend having a big birthday bash might be a bit hurt at your H preferring to do a crappy church event rather than celebrate the birthday.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/02/2012 21:56

Bad manners and selfish. Is it for charity too?

He'd get short shrift from me. I hate people who dont stick to their word - fine totally if he said no I don't want to in the first place but once agreed he should get on with it.

pictish · 07/02/2012 21:57

Hell I would FAR rather go to a party than a 'crappy church event' (as SGB puts it) - church quiz night sounds bloody awful....BUT I'm afraid if I had said I would do it, then I would.
I'd go to the party afterwards and play catch up! Grin

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 22:02

Actually, I don't get this waa, waa, got to do the crappy church event business. If the church events committee are such a bunch of wet fish that none of them are capable of conducting the quiz themselves then they deserve to go under. It will make no difference at all to the fundraising or the punters' enjoyment of the evening who actually asks the quiz questions.

However, a good friend having a significant birthday party will want other friends there. If I was the H I would be ringing the quiz organizers and saying, look, it's my mate's big birthday bash, he's my best mate and he'd miss me if I wasn't there, can you get another quizmaster? SUrely friends are more important than ropey community events that most people probably don't want to be dragged along to in the first place.

Original poster
muffinmonster · 07/02/2012 22:05

Thanks for the quick replies, everyone. I'm a bit surprised that so many people think it's crap, TBH - I thought maybe I was over-reacting.

As for 'crappy church quiz', well that's a matter of taste. Personally I enjoy quiz nights wherever they're held, and so does DH. Of course I would prefer the party. But if I've said I'll do a crappy quiz, then I do it.

Agreed that it won't affect the quizgoers if someone else reads out the question on the night, but it will affect our friend who has to find someone else to do the job.

I won't be telling our friend that DH has backed out - he'll be doing that himself. Angry

Still keeping my fingers crossed that he may have been shamed by my reaction into rethinking his plans.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/02/2012 22:07

Agreed that it won't affect the quizgoers if someone else reads out the question on the night, but it will affect our friend who has to find someone else to do the job

It will 'affect' her how? Confused

Who knows, maybe someone would love to do it but normally never gets asked.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 07/02/2012 22:24

I think the church quiz sounds like more fun than the party.

It's not just choosing a better offer over a longstanding arrangement, he's letting down the old friend who thought this was all sorted out ages ago.

Your compromise sounds like the best idea OP, it is possible to do both the quiz and the party.

And I don't think the OP using the word "agreed" implies he was unwilling to take part. He was asked, he said yes. He agreed. It is that simple. If he was unwilling he could have said no. Twice, as this was the second time he'd been asked to do it.

He's made a commitment and the decent thing to do would be to honour it. The friend might not mind if he speaks to her about it and she can get someone else to help, but if she struggles to find someone else to read the quiz your DH really ought to honour his commitment rather than let her down.

aldiwhore · 07/02/2012 22:46

I don't think YABU but my Granny's last coherant words to me were "Never turn down a part invite because all too soon the only parties will be wakes".

I would apologise, offer to write the quiz and go to the party.

Alphafemale · 07/02/2012 22:48

YABU

The quiz night is no big deal, anyoe can do it
The party is not

He should go to the party imo

KingofHighVis · 07/02/2012 22:49

It's in bloody March! Plenty of time to rearrange. You can't rearrange birthdays.

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 22:51

But what about letting down the friend whose birthday it is? It's all very well saying that people should do whatever they said 'Yes' to first, but surely it's not that unreasonable to prioritize things according to which is more important, or at least which of the two events you are most needed at. The quiz could be hosted by someone else without anyone's personal feelings being wounded, surely.

thisisyesterday · 07/02/2012 23:00

i agree in general with going to whatever you have agreed to do first, but inthis instance i do agree with SGB actually.

your DH is compromising. he IS doing the quiz, all he is asking is that another person reads the questions out.
SGB is right that there is more than one thing that needs prioritising. for example, if it clashed with a family christening or wedding would you still say "sorry, can't come we're doing a quiz night"?
some things/people ARE more important and that then skews the priority i think, even if you would normally do the thing you'd agreed to first

i am rambling i know, but i think if it's a really good friend who would miss your DH being there then he should go to the party.

BackforGood · 07/02/2012 23:03

The point is, if you get invited to something on a night you are already committed to doing something for someone (and I'm sure SGB wouldn't feel half so strongly if you'd say 'Pub Quiz', or 'Quiz at the local Cricket club' - she's notorious on here for being particularly horrible about anything Church), it's a shame, but, as others have said, you are already committed. If you throw a party, you expect there will be poepel who can't come for one reason or another - ie prior commitments - it's a shame, but it's hardly going to stop you enjoying your party. Occaisionally, what you are doing is something that you can get somebody else to do - I don't know in this case if there are others who might be asked (?) but the point is, you (in this case your dh - obviously I mean the person who is trying to wriggle out of something they've committed themselves to) need to see if you can arrange a 'substitute', not just withdraw because you get a better offer. That's just very bad manners.

JustRedbin · 07/02/2012 23:16

Surely a gentleman's word is his bond.

thisisyesterday · 07/02/2012 23:19

but he is still organising the quiz and as far as I can tell he hasn't said that he won't find a substitute either has he?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 07/02/2012 23:20

I doubt the friend's birthday would be ruined if the OP and her DH turned up an hour or two late though.

He's an adult, not a child. I'm sure he will cope without a couple of friends for an hour or two. And it's a party, not a once in a lifetime thing like a wedding (hopefully) or a christening. The only person really needed from start to finish at an adult's birthday party is the adult whose birthday it is.

And if he's that good a friend he will understand if the OP's DH says "Look, I agreed to do this thing last year, I'll see if they can get someone else but if they can't we will be along at 9pm."

thisisyesterday · 07/02/2012 23:24

given that it isn't til march maybe they could change the quiz night?

OhdearNigel · 07/02/2012 23:28

He agreed to the quiz first and therefore he should attend that. Has he got form for letting people down when a more interesting offer comes along ?

solidgoldbrass · 08/02/2012 00:16

Look, the reasonable thing to do is contact the quiz lot and ask if someone else is available to do it. If they can't find anyone, and their night would be utterly ruined without the OP's H, he should do their crappy quiz and go to the party late. But it isn't unreasonable or wicked or selfish for him to at least run the possibility by them of getting out of it.