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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are my parents?

50 replies

blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 21:18

My parents visited today for dinner and afterwards my Mother and I were washing up and she asked DS (11 years old) to help dry the dishes.

Ds gave her a lot of cheek which she got very angry with but then begun to help.
DS then started being very rude towards me. I told him to stop behaving like that and that he was bang out of order.

My Mother told me to leave him alone and stop winding him up as he was getting upset? Hmm

I told my Mother that he was smirking and not upset, then the next minute my Father walked into the kitchen and started reprimanding me saying "You're 32, you should behave better, he's only 11. Leave him alone!"

I felt so small and so humiliated and angry that he would undermine my parenting in such a way.

A moment later DS then started taking the mickey out of my Dads age to which my father responded "Shut up or you'll get a belt".

Is it just me or is this whole scenario totally just wrong!

So as not to drip feed I will let you know now that DS is going through a difficult time right now and can often be very rude or cheeky. I've been dealing with this by pointing out to him how his actions make others feel and not letting him get away with being insolent and rude to others.

My parents have throughout their lives managed to make me feel inferior and worthless. It's an ongoing thing. It's just that tonights little episode has had me crying tears of frustration and feeling so unbelievably angry towards them.
They treated me like a child, in my own home, in front of my son.

OP posts:
LaBoccaDellaVerita · 07/02/2012 21:20

Sounds horrid for you - but if you're teaching your son how his nasty words make you feel then maybe you can do that for your parents too?

MateyMooo · 07/02/2012 21:23

people that are too busy judging others havent got the time to evaluate thier own actions.

pull your parents up on it... not nastily, just say 'dad, why did you say that when you had just......

bring it to his attention

Squeegle · 07/02/2012 21:30

They are well out of order! Of course it is wrong not to back you up in front of your son. Sounds like it won't be easy to get them to change though; theyre in the habit of being disrespectful to you. Maybe you could have a chat with them- but don't get upset if they play it down, they probably won't "get it"

Wretched · 07/02/2012 21:32

Your parents were being unreasonable to override you in front of your ds.

But looks like you are ineffective in dealing with his attitude. My grandparents were to be treated with the utmost respect when I was younger, any cheek to them and my parents would have acted swiftly and severely. He sounds horrible to be around and you need to nip it in the bud.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 21:38

Thank you both of you for responding as I'm honestly feeling at the end of my tether with both of them at the moment.

I have actually brought it up to them before but they just pull the "victim" card and don't listen to me, or it results in an argument (which I always lose).

Sometimes I feel like cutting them from my life. They make me feel like such a failure.

My Mum in particular is fantastic at sly little put downs which are often executed when we're surrounded by other people. I end up feeling so small and insignificant.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I once wrote them both a letter explaining how they made me feel and telling them how the way they behaved towards me had made me unbearably miserable as a child and also now as an adult. I then sent it to them in the hope that it would be a non-confrontational way of getting my feelings across.

They just played the victim then also, and my Dad even said that his life wasn't easy either and I should just get over it.

I think to try and get across to you how oddly they can behave, I should tell you this.
When I was 13 years old a family friend groped me. When I told my Mum about it she just laughed and said "Well that will have been a waste of time, you've got nothing there for him to feel" and started laughing at me. Hmm

OP posts:
mrsjay · 07/02/2012 21:41

thats awful poor you , your son deserved to be told off , what is it with grandparents and GC we wouldnt have been allowed to be cheeky at 11, you were in the right and they should butt out ,

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 21:42

wretched I can deal with his attitude with no problem at all if my parents would just let me, as I deal with him alone and it gets nipped in the bud immediately and he will end up apologising to me. But the minute my Dad waded in with his you're 32 business, my DS decided he wasn't going to be getting told off from me and resumed being cheeky again.
You're right in one aspect though, DS is very horrible to be around right now. I find it very hard tolerating his behaviour and it's starting to have an increasingly negative effect upon my relationship with him.

OP posts:
Wretched · 07/02/2012 21:46

It's a horrid age, I remember being very horrible to be around myself during puberty. I would never have dared talk back to a grandparent though, perhAps he is picking up on tension between you and your parents and thinking its acceptable for him to show attitude as well.

mrsjay · 07/02/2012 21:46

Blueballoon i think next time if something like this happens Ignore your parents and send your son out the room , preteens can be a nightmare and them not supporting you isnt on , your dad spoke to you like you were a child iyswim ,

Squeegle · 07/02/2012 21:51

Your parents sound very difficult. My father is very difficult too. He just doesn't get it if I try to speak honestly and adult to adult.
It's a tricky one, do you want to exclude them and see much less of them? Would that make you feel better?
There is something within most of us that makes us look for parental approval, no matter how old we are- very annoying, particularly if our parents use that against us, as yours seem to. Sympathies re your son's behaviour. I also have a son, and rudeness is very hard to control. At the end of the day they need to back you up or they can't be welcome at yours.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 21:53

Yes I too was horrible as a teen, but would never have spoken to my Grandparents that way.

DS even called his TA an idiot last week! I keep finding myself feeling so ashamed of his behaviour.

mrsjay You're right, I should have ignored them and sent him from the room or at least disciplined him, regardless of what they thought. They have no idea of the full extent of what he can behave like and I'm dealing with it in what I feel is the best way possible and am keeping in contact with his school to sort out any bad behaviur there also.

DS will be receiving counselling soon which I think will really help, because as I said before he has had a really tough couple of years and I feel that a lot of his acting out is due to this.

I just cannot stop feeling so angry towards my parents, because yet again they've treated me like a child.

I'm tempted to ring them tomorrow and tell them, because seriously I am so mad!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 07/02/2012 21:58

I think you should tell them whats going on, maybe they feel sorry for your son but he is your son not your dads , Ive seen an uncle of mine do this with his grandchildren and it isnt fair , I know in hindsight its ok for me to say try and ignore it but i do think you should try and stop whatever the confrontation and send him out he will thrive on the chaos IYSWIM , I hope his councilling goes well x

TroublesomeEx · 07/02/2012 22:00

blueballoon - I can feel my blood pressure rising just reading this!

My mum still tells people I'm "being naughty"! and yes when she's round here, I'm her child and my children are just more children.

And I'm older than you.

Actually, your mum sounds a lot like mine. Even down to the 'groping' incident. Delightful woman.

I don't have any advice, at least none that's worked for me so far. Sad

Just wanted to show some solidarity!

Gumby · 07/02/2012 22:02

After the groping business I'd be tempted to stop all contact Sad

Do they ever make you feel good about yourself, support you, have a gd relationship with your son?

mrsjay · 07/02/2012 22:03

Balloon i didnt read your other reply your parents sound worse than i first read I really dont know what to say to you , maybe cut them out a little dont invite them to your home as much , and yes I agree with folk girl your son is just another 1 of their children , they dont seem to have boundries ,

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 22:03

Thank you mrsjay. You're right he was thriving on the chaos and believing it gave him the right to be even more rude and disrespectful!

Squeegle You hit the nail on the head in regards to how I feel about my parents. I want their approval, but never get it. I'm a single mum with two disabled children and I have suffered from severe depression on and off throughout my life and I don't have much money and am living in a very small house and I feel my parents think I'm a failure because of this.

My younger brother on the other hand, has had a relatively easy life, is married to a very rich woman and living in a huge house and is favoured completely. My parents even take pictures of his house to show their friends and me and say how wonderful he is constantly.

It sounds ridiculous, but is so upsetting. It's been going on since I was a small child.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 22:06

Folkgirl I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar incident to mine which was brushed off so lightly too. :(

I cannot understand her reaction whatsoever. I've tried, but I can't. I have a DD who is nearly 3 years old and if anybody ever touched her or hurt her in the same way I would be livid.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 07/02/2012 22:07

They sound quite toxic to me. I think that you need to see less of them. When they realise and ask why just tell them that you are very upset by the way they undermine you and if they can't be supportive then you have decided it is better to have less contact.

exoticfruits · 07/02/2012 22:09

Do you see them often? I would wait until they contact you and want to arrange something and then say that you are willing if they treat you as an adult. I know it is easier said than done. Have you any other family members to help?

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 22:10

Gumby they rarely make me feel good about myself. I'm an artist and I used to sculpt figurines and sell them. My Mum told me the figures were ugly and looked pornographic and that I couldnt do the faces properly. It sounds trivial, but it hurt, a lot.

She will make jokes about my house being a mess in front of people. It isn't a mess. It can get untidy, but I have a 2yr old running round causing chaos and I don't want a show home anyway! I like my house to be lived in!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 07/02/2012 22:12

Jesus, I can't believe your mother said that to you SadAngry

I am so sorry. They sound vile, both of them, for their behavior to you in front of your son and their behavior in the past.

You should congratulate yourself on being a better parent to your children than they were to you.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 07/02/2012 22:13

exoticfruits I don't have any other family members to help me, unfortunately. My grandparents passed away a long time ago and my brother is more unbearable to be around than my parents!

I have a sister, but she too feels shut out by them and gets too upset trying to deal with it all. She's much younger than me and has mild learning difficulties, so it's not something I could ask for her help with iyswim?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 07/02/2012 22:16

Unfortunately I don't have the answers-but be assured it isn't you-they are at fault.

ShagOBite · 07/02/2012 22:17

Cut them out. Seriously.

exoticfruits · 07/02/2012 22:18

I think that is the only way.

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