AIBU or are my parents?

[blueballoon79]

My parents visited today for dinner and afterwards my Mother and I were washing up and she asked DS (11 years old) to help dry the dishes.

Ds gave her a lot of cheek which she got very angry with but then begun to help.
DS then started being very rude towards me. I told him to stop behaving like that and that he was bang out of order.

My Mother told me to leave him alone and stop winding him up as he was getting upset?

I told my Mother that he was smirking and not upset, then the next minute my Father walked into the kitchen and started reprimanding me saying "You're 32, you should behave better, he's only 11. Leave him alone!"

I felt so small and so humiliated and angry that he would undermine my parenting in such a way.

A moment later DS then started taking the mickey out of my Dads age to which my father responded "Shut up or you'll get a belt".

Is it just me or is this whole scenario totally just wrong!

So as not to drip feed I will let you know now that DS is going through a difficult time right now and can often be very rude or cheeky. I've been dealing with this by pointing out to him how his actions make others feel and not letting him get away with being insolent and rude to others.

My parents have throughout their lives managed to make me feel inferior and worthless. It's an ongoing thing. It's just that tonights little episode has had me crying tears of frustration and feeling so unbelievably angry towards them.
They treated me like a child, in my own home, in front of my son.

Have you been on the Stately Homes threads? Might be worth a quick search OP. Good luck. :)

x posts!

I keep thinking I should cut them out, but I'm afraid to.

I have only two friends, that I see rarely due to them having work and family commitments and no way of making more friends as caring for my children takes up all my time.

I'm so sick of my life. I was feeling extremely depressed this week before this incident as I feel trapped by my children and the never ending hospital appointments, operations and just daily caring for them.

Tonight though, I just feel wretched. I don;t ask for much from them at all. I just want them to appreciate that although I haven't been successful in life, I have struggled and fought through so much.

I should add that they aren't totally awful, I feel bad portraying them that way. They do help me out with hospital appointments.

They also looked after my children when I had a complete nervous breakdown and was hospitalised for a month, shortly after my daughters father went to work and then never came back, as he'd decided he couldn't cope!

What is the Stately Homes thread?

Here but the thread is full, will find a newer one :)

Here you go. Take care, night :)

Thank you!

I can see that you need them and life is hard for you at the moment.
Maybe just tell yourself that you know what they are like, they are unlikely to change and it is not you-it is them. Let it wash over you a bit more-try and ignore the negative and just join in with the positive. If they start I would just leave the room-pop upstairs-grit your teeth and go back smiling and change the subject. Treat them a bit like 2 yr olds! Ignore and distract. Choose your battles and only get caught up if it is important and then state your case and tell them that you are not discussing it. They have a pattern of treating you as a child which isn't easy to break.

I would be reluctant to cut them out while your ds is having trouble. My mum cut my grandparents out when I was a similar age and frankly ive never forgiven her for it. I only have her word as to them being toxic as they died before I was old enough to find them (she also claims my aunty is toxic but being back in touch she isn't and my mum can be a little odd so it's quite possible my grandparents were fine which is obviously different to you)

what I would do is keep contact to a minimum, don't ring them, don't arrange to meet, when they contact you only meet every so often and start standing up to them (it's taken me years to get to the point where my mum listens to my opinions but it's worth it) simple strong sentences, dad this isn't anything to do with you. Dad if you can't treat me with respect id like you to leave etc. wobble and panic once they've left, just firmly and calmly pull them up on the behaviour.

I know my suggesting keeping contact won't be popular but coming from the child's perspective I'm concerned it could make your ds issues worse to cut them out

I really don't want to cut them out, but sometimes I feel it would be easier than coping with the negative feelings I have towards myself after seeing them.
I've decided to ring them today and explain how I feel. It probably won't go down well, but I need to get it all off my chest. I feel that I can't just leave it and let them think their behaviour was acceptable.
Then I think I'm going to really cut down on contact as you suggested Deafworm.
I barely slept last night as I was so upset and angry.

Maybe you can find a middle ground between cutting them out and letting them run roughshod over your life. I don't think it will help at all to explain to them how all their behaviour upsets you and how they make you feel. Your parents are not emotionally mature enough to understand or respect anything you say. If you try to have it all out with them and talk about your feelings they will just 'play victim' again and upset you even more.

When you tell them they upset you, they're not even listening as they're too busy turning it all around in their heads so that it's not their fault. All you will get is 'but it's your fault because...' and you don't need that. They are spoilt children, incapable of taking responsibility.

Even if you can't cut off actual contact, you need to detach yourself in two ways:

First, give up hoping that they will change and that they will ever give you anything you need. Just stop. That hope will wear you out. Even if you were the most eloquent, emotionally astute person in the world, there is no way you can explain to them that will help them understand how you feel and your point of view. This is not your fault. They are not capable of being the parents you wish they could be. Do not expect anything from them.

Secondly, Give up trying to fulfil any of their emotional needs. You do not need to make them proud, impress them or please them in any way. You are the parent now and your children are your priority. Keep that in mind and it should be easier to keep calm when they are undermining you.

On a practical level, if you bring emotions into any discussion of how they are undermining your parenting, they will stop listening. Don't discuss or argue or tell them you're upset, just state 'I'm the parent now, this is my call'; 'I'm the parent now, and I said no'; I'm the parent now and this is my house, my rules'.

If they start coming out with a load of crap about how they're just this, and just that, restate: 'I appreciate you're just trying to help, this is my house/these are my kids/I'm the parent here and this is my decision.'

Also, are you still in touch with your Health Visitor? They may be able to put you in touch with practical assistance.

Once you emotionally detach from your parents and let go of that little chink of hope that one day they'll turn into reasonable people, you can leave emotional space in your life for new friendships and better relationships. I really hope it works out for you.

"You go to your room"

"You two , if you undermine me in front of my son again you will not be welcome back into my home".

Oops, posted a bit too soon.

You poor thing, OP, you need to get tough with them and not give them an inch.

When my DM was giving me a full on lecture on what a crap mother I was being because she disagreed with how I was dealing with DS received a very curt "You are his grandmother, not his mother. I am his mother. You will kindly remember that and stop interfering or you will not be given the oppotunity to actually be much of a grandmother!*.

Cue lots of upset and tears but she pulled her head in when she realised I wouldn't give way - I'm not my sisters, I won't be pushed around by her and she has (very painfully) realised that.

my lifelong depression very quickly cleared up after going non-contact with my parents - I never realised they were the cause stupidly enough but having a break from the constant put downs and subtle digs and just the constant awareness of what they felt about me.

I started by having a complete break for 3 months - it doesn't have to be forever but it gives you space to think and recover. It also demonstrates what you can and will do if necessary.

Maybe you will have more people in your life if you stop seeing your parents - parents = depression = withdrawal from people/social life.

See who you could be without them.

I tried ringing them earlier but my Father answered and said my Mother wasn't there, so I just left it. There's no point speaking to him whatsoever as he never listens to me.
Diamondback I know you're right in that I need to stop feeling that I can ever make them proud of me or happy with me, but I can't seem to stop myself seeking their approval. I know I'll never get it and it hurts so much, but I still keep trying.
As a small child I was quite intelligent and did really well at school and ended up being moved up a year, but the one thing I always struggled with was my maths. They's use my lack of ability at maths to put me down constantly and I can remember feeling if only I could just be better at this then they would like me more.
I was compared unfavourably to my brother on a regular basis and still am now.
I used to avoid meal times at home as if I was holding my fork wrong or if I put my elbows on the table, my Mother would hit me. She never treated my brother the same way though.
I've been to a counsellor before for a year to try and deal with everything I've been feeling towards them, but I think I maybe should go again as I can't stop trying to please them, trying to make them proud of me and then invariable getting hurt in the process.
TheArmadillo I've often wondered if my depression would clear up if I stopped seeing them. My feelings of depression are due to me feeling worthless, ugly and unlikeable. Some days I absolutely despise myself and wish I was dead. These are all feelings I get with much more strength after any encounter with my parents. :(

Blue balloon have you ever tried councilling for yourself ? your self esteem is so low and i think you need some positive support in your life to help you , try and go to your gp and ask for help , lots of drs these days offer therapy of different kinds . lifelong depression is a bitch it needs to be addressed , I have suffered it myself due to health problems ,

blueballoon I was first diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder when I was 17. I first heard my mum discussing how their was "something wrong" with me when I was 9.

I've been on medication on and off, and in counselling of one flavour or another on and off, for the past 20 years. Nothing has worked.

I've had trouble academically, in work, dealing with failure, making and keeping friends, my appearance...

In recent years I was referred for a psychological assessment and counselling which found that there was "nothing wrong" with me, but recommended I spent considerably less time with my mum. It transpired I had chronically low self esteem and a really warped perception of myself because of my parents.

On paper I look great, but I haven't ever had the personal/emotional qualities to take me beyond the qualifications, iyswim. I'm now in my mid-late 30s and I have finally got friends, finally working towards my dream job, finally have self belief. And why? Because I have very little to do with my mum now and have developed a strategy for not listening to her when I do.

We have had to encourage a healthy disrespect of her opinions in the children.

She's already started on the "something wrong" with DS - he does have some specific difficulties and even if they did turn out to be diagnosable as something, there still wouldn't be anything 'wrong' with him!
"He's fat" (he's not - if anything he's underweight - normal!),
DD "isn't as pretty as she used to be",
I "don't want to put on any more weight",
I should "let DH do whatever he wants, you're lucky to have someone" (not lucky to have him because he's great, lucky to have someone because I'm shit!)
DH isn't her soninlaw, she's "no one's mother in law" and then flirts with him! We laugh about that though!

My mum does nothing to support us and has made it clear she won't babysit. However, when we have an emergency and ask someone else she gets offended that we didn't ask her. "oh does that mean you would have been able to do it then?" "No! I've told you, I don't do babysitting. But it would have been nice to have been asked". WTAF!!

Just give yours a wide berth and get yourself back!

I have had counselling before, but like you said folkgirl I've found the same in that it didn't help me much at all.

My parents always say there's something wrong with me too and a constant thing they've said whilst growing up and even now is "Why can't you just be more like your brother?"

My parents treat me as though I'm an evil mother if I discipline my children in any way and tell me to leave them alone and to stop bullying them. They even told DS that I was a bully as a child! I wasn't a bully, I was bullied at school.

However my children can not step out of line with them and my parents will come down on them like a ton of bricks if they do.

I feel like they think I'm incapable of raising my children and that I just bully them or something, which upsets me so much as I love both of my children so much and do everything I can to ensure they're happy and feel loved.

Both of my children are disabled and I'm there for them through everything and support them every step of the way, however my parents don't seem to see this. They just see me as a crap parent.

If I was 'naughty' as a child it was because there was "something wrong" with me.

If my brother was 'naughty' it was "well I'd behave badly too if I had you as a sister".

I really think you need to limit the amount of time you spent with them. You need to take back some control. How often do you see them?

My parents were exactly the same Folkgirl
How has your brother turned out? Do you have a good relationship with him?
My brother is awful to me. He looks down his nose at me and often chastises me.
He refuses to visit either me or my sister as our houses aren't in what he considers desirable areas
I have nothing to do with my brother and only see him at family occasions and even then I give him a wide berth.
I'd started seeing my parents more frequently as I just wanted to try and build up a relationship with them, but I can see that this probably will never happen.

My brother has 'issues'. He has a huge sense of entitlement about absolutely everything that he is permanently angry and dissatisfied. But he was completely mollycoddled as a child.

They haven't done him any favours tbh.

He gets so angry about not having the sort of family he wanted but he's always looking backwards. He doesn't see that he has the power to create that family for the next generation. So sad.

I think you'll struggle to "build up a relationship" with your parents because there already is one and they're happy with it the way it is. If they don't recognise you as an independent adult then they're not going to listen to anything you have to say. I'd concentrate more on building up your own self esteem and concentrating on your children.

DH and I were talking about everything we've achieved/done since we got together. We were trying to recall what we used to spend our evenings doing in our 20s. And we realised they were largely spent with me in tears and him trying to comfort me and us both trying to understand my mum's motivation for the things she did and said.

It was a total waste of time. She is no different now, but I've just learned to care less.

I think that's what I'm going to have to do. Try not to care so much and let it affect me so much.

I've spent so long being upset over the way they treat me and over analyzing everything and I'm just tired of them.

I'm going to drastically reduce contact with them and sort myself and my childrens needs out and try not to bother about my parents quite as much.

Glad to hear you're going to have less contact with them. It's not easy with parents like yours, as they're so woven into every part of your psyche. It might take a long time, but keep reminding yourself everyday not to expect anything from them, not to need anything from them and to focus on your children and your future. You won't be able to snap out of needing their approval and support straightaway, but nothing worth having comes without work.

It might be helpful to write down your goals somewhere private and just give yourself a little reminder: to let go of hoping your parents will give you what you need; to put your children and yourself first; to politely but firmly resist their criticism and interference.

Take some time off from them and give yourself a break - if you can't convince yourself you deserve it, remind yourself that your kids deserve to grow up away from the destabilising and toxic influence of your parents.

Why do you still have them over? They sound poisonous. What a horrible thing for a mother to say!