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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder what this is really about

42 replies

VidaPierce · 07/02/2012 17:03

DP has female friend - ex-work colleague - who lives in Australia. I think there was a kind of 'might have but didn't' get together thing many years back.
When we first got together (9 years ago) I did say something about the fact that she was always the first person to wish him 'happy birthday' or 'happy xmas' which was a bit unfair but that was early days and he must have said something as she no longer contacts him via phone.
What she does do is email him (no exaggeration) about 5 times a day to which he replies. I don't read his emails but his laptop is always on and I can see her name in the list of emails and a long line of re: re: re: etc for ages.

He says this is all inane chitchat about what she's doing, who she's seeing, what music/tv/progs/films etc she's listened to/seen. But this is every day. Including weekends.
My point is that to be so involved in the daily stuff of someone's life is rather intimate and you don't engage in it unless you are getting something from it. He won't tell me what that is nor deny it, but insists she sees him in a father figure role (she is 20 years or so younger).

I just think it's inappropriate. It's not about me feeling insecure but if I was having an ongoing email exchange with someone I know it would be because I had strong feelings for them and wanted to feel close.
AIBU?

OP posts:

lisaro · 07/02/2012 17:06

Yes, you actually sound jealous. It is a lot of emails but people can just be friends.

Dickensia · 07/02/2012 17:10

No, lisaro, this does not sound like 'just friends'. If they were just friends, the husband would let the OP see the messages, wouldn't he?

SenoritaViva · 07/02/2012 17:12

How on earth do either of them find the time to email each other 5 times a day? And to be honest it sounds rather dull.

I am assuming you are in the UK and she is in Australia?

I would find it a bit odd to be honest - not the friendship but simply the amount of emailing (if it really is 5 times a day).

hwjm1945 · 07/02/2012 17:12

even if just friends i would wonder about the emotional time and energy going into the friendship

Gumby · 07/02/2012 17:13

I'd email her and ask her what she wants with my husband

lisaro · 07/02/2012 17:16

Fair point about the husband not letting the wife know, but remember - some of those RE's could be yes or no answers.

fuzzPigwickPapers · 07/02/2012 17:28

I think it's a bit weird to be emailing somebody that many times a day, regardless of who it is. I would occasionally have a long text/FB chat with someone but not every day!

Aren't there lots of other things he should be doing?

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2012 17:34

I agree with lisaro

5 re's a day could literally be one line answers

Anyway, if you don't check the emails how do you know it's 5 every day? I know you said his lappy is always there, but even so.

tinierclanger · 07/02/2012 17:47

Well, this isn't me, but I have had friendships with men where we send rubbish banter several times a day, and there's been nothing sinister about it.

I think you probably just don't use email in the same way so you just don't get it.

GrahamTribe · 07/02/2012 17:49

What's the problem? This woman, presuming that you're in the UK, lives over ten thousand miles away It's hardly as if she's going to be shagging your hisband as soon as you pop out to Waitrose, is it?
I'm afraid that despite your protestations you sound very insecure. It's not "inappropriate" for a grown-up to carry out an exchange of emails as your DH is but it is inappropriate for you to expect to be able to see or vet those emails.

minimisschief · 07/02/2012 17:51

since when is 5 emails excessive. you can do that in 5 minutes.

i used to message a good friend daily when he was far away from normal contact.

what exactly do you think is going do with a woman in austrailia

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2012 17:53

Brilliant, the other woman is half a world away! Lucky you.

I have a male friend in Oz, who there was an almost with 10 years ago. We email a lot and DH refers to him as my boyfriend in Australia. However DH couldn't really care less as he is further away than anyone else on earth. In fact, when we had DD, had she been a boy, she might have been given this bloke's name as it is lovely and unusual without being poncetastic. Relax, it is innocent.

bringbacksideburns · 07/02/2012 17:59

Five times a day is very extreme if true.

Maybe she's going through a personal crisis/ breakup at the moment and has little support near her.

As long as you trust your husband it shouldn't be an issue but as you don't you need to tell him it makes you uneasy. Maybe if he shows you a couple of the e mails it might make you feel better?

my2centsis · 07/02/2012 19:33

I'd read a couple of the emails to cure the constant wondering

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2012 19:35

I would be really annoyed and pretty weirded out if DH asked to see or looked at without my permission emails from/to my Australian. I wouldn't ask to see emails unless he has a 10,000 mile long penis and could be shagging her from here.

DemonChild · 07/02/2012 19:41

I don't think YABU at all. On the face of it, I'm sure it's perfectly innocent, but emailing someone 5 times a day about the mundane shit that happens in your/their life is a lot of information to be sharing. There's no way you could possibly be interested in that level of detail in someone else's life unless you wanted to shag them. IMVHO. Honestly, I don't have any friends that I talk to even once a day, let alone more.

cheekyseamonkey · 07/02/2012 19:41

I'd be annoyed. I don't think it's that usual to be honest. Maybe that's because I'm a crap friend who takes at least 24 hours to respond to most text messages though.

I'd discuss it with him and tell him it makes you feel a bit weird.

If he's away, how often does he contact you in a day?

Agree with the uberlength penis comment, but what would the situation be if she were to visit the UK?

DemonChild · 07/02/2012 19:43

Yeah, see, the problem for me wouldn't be can he shag her, but does he want to - there's no way I'd be second best in my own relationship!

tinierclanger · 07/02/2012 19:49

Really, this is bonkers. If your husband sat opposite a woman, and exchanged a few sentences a day with her about general stuff, would you be worried about that?

Email doesn't have to be like writing a letter. Sometimes it's just chit chat. Like talking.

FredFredGeorge · 07/02/2012 19:49

YABVU He's got a friend, that's a good thing, 5 pieces of contact a day is not at all excessive or weird when a conversation is at email speed. Do you not have friends?

DENMAN03 · 07/02/2012 19:56

I have a friend who lives in Australia..he was an 'almost' before I met my husband..I email him a lot!..its inane chatter because I miss him as a friend! There is nothing going on and never will be. He comes over once every 5 years. Its nice to be close friends with someone. Doesnt mean you want to shag them.
If you are worried ask to see the emails.

tabulahrasa · 07/02/2012 19:58

I've had email conversations that last about 20 emails...as I'm sat doing other things on the computer anyway.

Quite often with my neighbour, who only lives 4 doors down anyway, rofl - they're rubbish, complete inane drivelly chit chat about nothing much at all. Things like, I'm tired, but it's too late to have a coffee - oh are you going to that thing tomorrow night at school?

In fact the more inane the conversation, the more likely it is to be a long one because you're firing backwards and forwards one or two sentences - proper long emails take longer to answer.

If you really suspect something, read them.

TheMonster · 07/02/2012 19:59

It sounds crazy to me. The only time I can imagine doing that is in the first throws of a relationship, after which it would peter out.
If I were you, I wouldn't be suspicious (she's a long way away afterall) but I would not be happy about it.

GrahamTribe · 07/02/2012 20:02

DemonChild, I disagree. Plenty of us share lots of mundane bits of information without wanting to shag each other. I've got score of FB friends who do just that, sharing innocuous stuff like what they're having for dinner, that they've just baked cakes, that the cat has just brought a mouse in and so on. There's nothing sinister in it.

warthog · 07/02/2012 20:05

i think it's too much personally. the weekends are the thing that gets me - that's family time - unless you don't have kids of course.

it's probably nothing to worry about but it wouldn't sit too easily with me. my dh just isn't interested in keeping such close friendships up with anyone but me

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