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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what this is really about

42 replies

VidaPierce · 07/02/2012 17:03

DP has female friend - ex-work colleague - who lives in Australia. I think there was a kind of 'might have but didn't' get together thing many years back.
When we first got together (9 years ago) I did say something about the fact that she was always the first person to wish him 'happy birthday' or 'happy xmas' which was a bit unfair but that was early days and he must have said something as she no longer contacts him via phone.
What she does do is email him (no exaggeration) about 5 times a day to which he replies. I don't read his emails but his laptop is always on and I can see her name in the list of emails and a long line of re: re: re: etc for ages.

He says this is all inane chitchat about what she's doing, who she's seeing, what music/tv/progs/films etc she's listened to/seen. But this is every day. Including weekends.
My point is that to be so involved in the daily stuff of someone's life is rather intimate and you don't engage in it unless you are getting something from it. He won't tell me what that is nor deny it, but insists she sees him in a father figure role (she is 20 years or so younger).

I just think it's inappropriate. It's not about me feeling insecure but if I was having an ongoing email exchange with someone I know it would be because I had strong feelings for them and wanted to feel close.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DemonChild · 07/02/2012 20:16

OK, maybe I should re-phrase: I can't imagine being that interested in someone else's life unless I wanted to shag them (and even then, only just Grin) I still think it's a lot of time to be talking to someone who isn't your partner about your life. But I do acknowledge the possibility I'm a bit antisocial!

fedupofnamechanging · 07/02/2012 20:37

I wouldn't like it either. A one off conversation that lasts for a good few emails is one thing, but to be emailing every day sounds like an emotional investment that's a bit too much.

I'd read them, so I could get a true sense of the nature of their relationship.

MateyMooo · 07/02/2012 20:47

i wouldnt like it.

but my DP doenst like me being on here (or internet scrabble) so much, but i do, cos he watches rubbish programmes that i dont like... but i wouldnt continue something that he REALLY hated, because i would choose not to.

I wouldnt take his opinion into account if he tried to force it on me, but he tells me his opionion and i make up my ownmind. in the OP situation - emailing a person of the opposite sex, so often, when there was a history there - i dont want him to be upset, i love him, so i'd rather not continue with the email relationship.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 20:48

This isn't right. If my DP was doing this, I'd leave him.
He should be bantering with me, not some women he most likely has a crush on, and a place that is exotic compared to where he currently is, yep, warning bells, he's hooked on her, flatter from the attention, and doesn't respect you to be doing this.

GrahamTribe · 07/02/2012 20:58

You'd leave your DP (and, if you have them with him the father of your children) just because he corresponded to someone 10,000 miles away BayPolar?

Wow.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 21:11

10,000 miles is nothing these days.
People do move.
Especially men tired of having to be fathers.
Women on MN put up with a lot of rubbish in their lives, they get walked over all the time, they aren't happy.
I wouldn't put up with half of what a lot of women here put up with or justify.

Moreover, despite the distance involved, this is obviously emotional for the the man, which means he is cheating on his partner.

So yes, I would leave my guy over this.
As for kids, had I had them, I would put myself first.
They leave home in the end, it's not worth the parent having a miserable life 'for the sake of the kids'.
The kids, it seems, never truly appreciate the sacrifices their parents end up making, indeed, I have spoken to many women and men who wished they had divorced sooner and now regret not focusing on themselves, and not just 'the kids'.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 21:14

..my own father is included in these statistics of regret regarding having stayed in the relationship for the sake of the kids.
He told me that he lost ten years of his life because of the decision and it made not one iota of difference to his kids - he remarried, had two other kids.

Plus all the other divorced friends I have spoken to who wish they had moved on sooner.

This man, the OP's partner, is taking the piss by having so much contact with this younger woman.
Foolish man.

troisgarcons · 07/02/2012 21:16

I ping emails back and forth - usually one liners - but an inbox of 5, 10, 20 emails... all of drivelling shite... but its conversation.

TBH with you OP - my DH keeps intouch with ex-Gfs and it doesnt bother me one iota.

Your DH leaves his laptop wide open, so nothing is hidden.

So yes YABU because youa e jealous and you wont admit it

Sidge · 07/02/2012 21:18

For me, it would depend on the content and context of the emails.

It does seem a lot, 5+ a day EVERY day.

It doesn't matter whether he's shagging her or not (and if she's in Oz then he isn't) it's the emotional intimacy I would be wary of.

Alternatively she could just be very lonely.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 21:30

Let him show you the emails and no, you are not jealous, you have a right to be concerned.
If he doesn't want to show you, then there's more to it than just being a 'father figure' to this woman.

ClaraSage · 07/02/2012 21:37

Could be an emotional affair or friendly banter but just sounds like a bit too intense.
Best he lets you see emails to put your mind at rest.

Lilaclion · 07/02/2012 22:00

I wouldn't be happy if my husband was emailing a younger (any actually) woman several times a day, even if she was on the other side of the world. I certainly wouldn't do it and I would expect my husband to nip it in the bud from the outset. But we are both jealous people and have a mutual respect for that fact!

Original poster
VidaPierce · 08/02/2012 13:17

I saw emails and they really are 'off to walk the dogs now', 'just come back from salsa class' stuff.
Which makes it even odder.
I stand by my original thought that you don't engage in constant communication unless you have some sort of emotional investment.

I'm not ashamed of feeling some jealousy. Jealousy seems to me to be completely off limits for some people as if admitting it means their relationship is unsure, instead of whole and real, full of changes in feeling - none of which mean that they are wrong or bad.

Dp has said he will attempt to alter the way he communicates with her. Apparently she wasn't satisfied with the three monthly catch up email that he says most 'normal' people have.

Still not sure I understand....

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 08/02/2012 13:31

YABVU to control your DH's friendships in this way, particularly describing his friendship as abnormal and forcing him to change it. Yes it's not unreasonable to be jealous, however it is unreasonable to not realise the irrationality of that jealousy and then force your views on your partner, that's exactly what will drive them away.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 08/02/2012 14:40

She wasn't satisfied?

My reply to that would be - to my DH - 'But were you satisfied?

And if he said 'yes' - and meant it - then I would be asking why he was putting her requirements - her demands - anywhere near the top of his agenda. Especially given that he would know that I too - his wife - would be far more satisfied with the three-monthly catch up.

cheekyseamonkey · 08/02/2012 14:49

I too despair at the attitude towards jealousy on this thread OP.

I STILL don't think you're being unreasonable. But I DO still think the 'friend' is. She must be very lonely in oz & I think her attitude to their 'friendship' is a wee bit controlling, in an odd way. If DH was happy with catch up e-mails, then wtf is she playing at demanding more? That's not an even friendship. It sounds like she needs him to be thinking of her way more often then he otherwise would be.

Unfortunately you need to tread carefully so as not to seem crazy, but I wouldn't be ready to let this one go just yet.

Good luck.

mojitomania · 08/02/2012 14:55

I'd find it a bit too much and ask to see a few

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