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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you cant really love someone if.....

37 replies

puds11 · 07/02/2012 15:13

you've cheated on them?
I'm just wondering what people think. I have a friend who tells me how madly in love she is with her boyfreind, how shes never felt this way, but shes cheated on him more than once already they have only been together about 6 months. I just find it hard to believe that if you really loved someone, you would do that?
Thoughts please

OP posts:
Kayano · 07/02/2012 15:15

I think you are right. If you really lived someone you wouldn't do that to them. I would assume the cheater is only with their partner for convenience

ChaosTrulyReigns · 07/02/2012 15:15

I think I would be incapable if judging a situation unless I was a protagonist.

Original poster
puds11 · 07/02/2012 15:23

i just feel confused as the way she explains her feelings for him sound much stronger than what i feel for my partner, but i wouldnt sleep with another man!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2012 15:27

If she is a very self destructive person who sabotages good things in her life generally, then it makes sense. If not, she doesn't know what love is.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2012 15:28

Since they've only been together 6 months, I would still consider their relationship to be in the 'first flush' of romance. I wonder if, when she cheats, she gets that 'first flush' sensation again with the flirting etc. that I presume precedes the infidelity?

I guess what I'm trying to say (badly) is that she is in love with the idea of love, rather than any individual.

TheParanoidAndroid · 07/02/2012 15:36

of course you can. Humans are capable of almost anything.

attheendoftheday · 07/02/2012 15:38

The thing is, some people (not necessarily your friend, but possibly) have been damaged by their own pasts so they might react differently/make different (and, on the face of it, not sensible) decisions. A typical example being someone who's been sexually abused as a child making bad choices about their partners in later life.

I certainly wouldn't cheat on someone who I loved, but it might be worth considering how your friend has ended up as she is. Also, love is very much tied up in perception. I remember an exP who I thought I couldn't love more, but what I felt for him is a fraction of what I feel for DP.

nailak · 07/02/2012 15:40

What about polygnous marriages?

Original poster
puds11 · 07/02/2012 15:45

ooh thats a very interesting point nailak.
is there a prefered wifr though or is it even?

OP posts:
Original poster
puds11 · 07/02/2012 15:46

wife!

OP posts:
nailak · 07/02/2012 15:49

I don't know. I am assuming men have a favourite even if they don't show it?

zukiecat · 07/02/2012 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OffMeTrolley · 07/02/2012 16:50

sounds all very Jilted John

I've been going out with a girl,
Her name is Julie
But last night she said to me,
When we were watching telly

(This is what she said)

She said listen John, I love you
But there's this bloke, I fancy
I don't want to two time you,
So it's the end for you and me

lesley33 · 07/02/2012 16:53

I think cheating is wrong. But yes I do think you can love someone and still cheat on them. I think some people have major issues that can lead to this.

For example, a friend has cheated lots of times with different partners. She is incredibly insecure, prone to depression and very pretty. She is apt to sleep with anyone decent who shows her attention and flatters her. I think its a pretty sad situation and I think she makes a terrible partner - which is why her relationships don't last.

MistyMountainHop · 07/02/2012 16:54

OP - yep. totally agree.

however, this theory is vair unpopular on the often biased relationship board though ( Hmm )

nailak · 07/02/2012 16:58

What about open relationships?

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2012 16:59

Some people self medicate with sex and flirting, they way that others do with drugs, food or alcohol. For some sexual behaviour has nothing to do with how they feel about other people.

You can cheat on someone even though you love them, you probably don't love, or value yourself, though.

MistyMountainHop · 07/02/2012 17:06

well, the one time i cheated, i sure as hell did not love the person i was cheating on.

i just can't see how, if someone truly loves someone, they could shag someone else. perhaps i am naive, i don't know. but i know i couldn't.

thepeoplesprincess · 07/02/2012 17:06

I agree. If you truly love someone, you just don't treat them like a bit of rancid old dogshit stuck to the bottom of your best Jimmy Choos. Comparing it to p;olygamy is also a bit misleading, because it's about cultural norms and what is considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour in different societies IYSWIM. Polygamy just wouldn't be as hurtful as cheating because it's not a betrayal, it's just what happens.

FamilyAngel · 07/02/2012 18:16

May be she loves him but is not in love with him?
Or may be her parents cheated on each other so she thinks it is ok.
Either way if he finds out she will learn the hard way that it is not a good idea to cheat on someone you love.

LeQueen · 07/02/2012 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
puds11 · 07/02/2012 19:35

her parents have a very strong marriage, so i dont think its that

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 07/02/2012 19:41

You can cheat on the person you love and still love them. The love is relevant in how you deal with it afterwards IMO. If you realise how tragically you fucked up and make it up to your partner in every way you can then...but if you carry on cheating again and again then the concept of love has gone a bit wrong I think.

Aribura · 07/02/2012 19:47

YANBU. YANBU. YANBU.

"Oh no, even though I had another man's cock inside me and then lied about it, I really do love him!" ...give me strength.

wantstosleepnow · 07/02/2012 20:01

Oh for goodness sake, you only
Know, like really know, your own version of love.

There is no way on earth you can tell other people what their version of love is.

I have cheated, and regretted it, badly. I did love my DP. Sometimes I wonder if I would mind if he wanted to sleep with someone else. You can't tell me I don't love him.