to think that you cant really love someone if.....

[puds11]

you've cheated on them?
I'm just wondering what people think. I have a friend who tells me how madly in love she is with her boyfreind, how shes never felt this way, but shes cheated on him more than once already they have only been together about 6 months. I just find it hard to believe that if you really loved someone, you would do that?
Thoughts please

Not usually my sort of thread (due to slightly sordid past) but I remember my first love. I was completely smitten and I would have said completely in love - I wasn't faithful though and the reason why was that I thought he was so much better than me in every way and I just could not believe that he would be capable of loving me. Luckily, I have worked on my self-esteem issues since then.

I hope my message is clear enough for you without it having to be spelt out.

It can also remind you how much you love them after doing something stupid. (I would guess)

I think love can ebb and flow a bit. So while you are actually in the process of cheating, no, you don't love your partner the way you ought to, because otherwise you'd consider their pain and you wouldn't want to do it. People, when they cheat, often turn against their partners and deliberately cause arguments as a way of justifying what they are doing, to themselves. They stop thinking about their partners, so imo, the love has withdrawn.

Equally, the love can come rushing back and the person having the affair stops fooling themselves that this is okay behaviour and feels crushing remorse. They could love their partner faithfully for the rest of their lives and never feel love ebb again.

Agree also, that people can be affected by their past experiences and self sabotage etc.

100% what karmabeliever said. ^^

yes you can still love a partner and cheat on them but at that point in time when you are cheating then lying (if in an agreed monogamous relationship) you have no respect for your partners feelings

i rather someone fell out of love with me than had no respect for me

but not all relationships are build on being monogamous yet they can still respect one another

An interesting question, and I have to say that I think Karma says more or less what I think.

I think open relationships are different, and the same is true for those with mental health / self esteem issues etc...

I also think that everyone can make a mistake once...

But, assuming two healthy, normal adults in a marriage with no other issues, then the one that has the affair, or repeatedly has extra marital sex without his/ her partner's consent does not love their partner in the way that they should. To me, Love is putting the other person first. One of the definitions of love is "to care very much about someone, especially members of your family or close friends". Well, if you are deliberately, and repeatedly doing something that you know will bring the other person harm / upset then how can you be said to be 'caring for another person'? To me, that shows disregard for the partner, and that, for me, is not love.

Freudian Slipper above also makes a good point, its not just the sex which shows the lack of love, but if it is accompanied with lying, then this too shows disregard for the partner's feelings. Again, to me a person who willfully (and again repeatedly) lies to someone for their own benefit (rather than the partner's) then this is not 'caring for them'. It is utter selfishness and it is not love.

Hmm...off the top of my head, I agree that you don't cheat on someone you love. THat's the convention, right?

But does the bloke require commitment? Maybe she loves him but he's fine with an open relationship ? (though the way you tell it, it sounds like she hasn't admitted her cheating to him so probably not)

However, I think you can love someone and still cheat on them, maybe because love does not mean sexual commitment in your view.

However, sounds like your friend is probably treating this guy badly if he doesn't know about her infidelity.

Polygamous/polyamorous relationships and open relationships have nothing to do with the question in the OP, though...?

The OP is talkin about cheating on someone you love - lying to them, leading them to believe you are committed to only them, going behind their back and deceiving them and then covering your tracks.

You know, all the hallmarks of cheating.

None of these things are apparent in an open relationships where both parties have signed up to the status quo and agree on any extra-curricular activities, and nobody is being cuckolded or having the wool pulled over the eyes by someone they trust...

The only time I was tempted to cheat was because I was flattered that the guy even wanted me. I didn't do it because it was clear that it would only be a hump and a goodbye and it wasn't worth the sheer mental agony it would cause me and the subsequent change in behaviour which my partner could have noticed. So I could have cheated despite being in love with my partner, but it would have been about making myself feel better.

It's like being given a free meal even though you've just eaten... it's hard to turn down because it's yours and it's ready for you, but it'll go cold quickly...

I agree with Karma.
Love for me is all consuming. Even in the peaks and troughs of a relationship, you know, when sometimes you are more in love, feel more loved, feel more loving than at other times, I have not once ever considered cheating.
Cheating is selfish. Its all Me, Me, Me. You think of you, how much you can't wait to see the other person, how you will lie and get away with it. When you are figgering out how to get your colleagyes to confirm that you are ... away on business, how you will leave no traces, of hotel bills, or congestion charges etc etc. When you are dreaming of his cock , in you, in you, banging, banging, oh feels so good. Is that the time, at that very second, that you are thinking about how much you LOVE your partner? Err, I think not.

nailak what has polygamy got to do with the OP's situation ? There's no cheating is involved, both parties know the score and they all live together.

Their definition of love is slightly different to yours and largely dictated by their cultural norms.