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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. for not wanting house guests

70 replies

PushyDad · 06/02/2012 23:56

We have a relatively spacious four bedroom house that is 20 minutes fast train into London. Because of our location and the fact that we have a spare room we keep geting requests from relations who want to stay.

This ranges from young relations who want somewhere to stay overnight so that they can go clubing in London to a relation looking for a room for his 18 yr old DS who was about to start a degree course in London. Then there was the overseas relation who wanted us to accomodate his DS whom he wanted to do his GCSEs in the UK.

It seemed too petty to turn down the overnight requests so we don't but we've made it clear that we don't want any boarders as such.

I mentioned this to a few friends and they think IABU. They think nothing of offering up a room for a friend of a friend.

If you had a spare room, would you give it up for a few months if asked?

OP posts:
StrawbenezerScrooge · 07/02/2012 08:32

I was going to suggest sofa bed for GoEasy too.

The odd night - no problem, but if the guests didn't bring wine and help out, then never again.

World of difference though with a student staying for a term/year. Personally I wouldn't, unless they were paying rent and I needed the money.

BarbarianMum · 07/02/2012 08:43

In answer to your question, yes I would (definitely to family) although I would expect rent/housekeeping for stays over more than a week.

But that doesn't mean you should.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 07/02/2012 08:44

goeasy buy a decent blow-up bed and store it in a cupboard when it's not being used. I got mine for under £40 and it's got an electric pump so it's easy to use. It's no different to mattresses in the lounge and you can get rid of the truckle bed :)

AntsMarching · 07/02/2012 08:48

YANBU! My uncle wants to send his 16yo granddaughter to stay with me over the Olympics bc it would be a 'good experience'. Umm, I have the space but I'll also have a newborn and a 2yo, so no thanks. He's very put out with me!

annh · 07/02/2012 09:04

Antsmarching, does your 16 year old relation even have tickets for any events?! If not, what on earth kind of "experience" does your uncle think you are going to be able to offer her? How to watch the Olympics on TV while a baby cries and a toddler rampages through the house? Or how to survive the crush of people at Embankment tube station? Is your TV viewing experience somehow more superior to teh one she might get at home?!

HazleNutt · 07/02/2012 09:15

YANBU. occasional overnight guest is fine, a very close friend or relative can stay for a month too, but I'm not taking in a lodger.

BsshBossh · 07/02/2012 09:21

YANBU. We have a similar problem as we are actually in London (zone 2). I have no problem saying no when it suits us.

Naoko · 07/02/2012 10:35

YANBU. Your house, your decision. I often have peoplte to stay, anything from one night to on one occasion 7 weeks (a friend who'd split up with his wife and had nowhere to go), but that doesn't mean you should have to. And even I, much as I love having people around, have said no before when it didn't suit me or I don't want the particular person to stay. There is one friend in particular who once overstayed his welcome by two weeks while not lifting a finger and expecting me to wait on him hand and foot. He's not welcome back.

whatnoketchup · 07/02/2012 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/02/2012 11:39

The trick is to make sure you have really thin curtains in the guest room, so the room gets light at 4am in the summer and is freezing cold in winter, plus an uncomfortable bed. A second or third-hand sofa bed that doesn't fold out properly is ideal.

Word quickly gets round Grin

ceebie · 07/02/2012 11:50

YANBU. Whatever happened to visitors coming because they actually wanted to see you, rather than take advantage of you??? Even the overnighters - how about "yes we'd love you to visit us, it would be lovely to have the evening to catch up with you!" Perhaps you could suggest playing board games for the evening by way of entertainment?

mrsjay · 07/02/2012 11:52

Its your home you are not advertising for lodgers these relatives are being cheeky buggers you are not a hotel , its ok to say no would you want to be responsible for a 16 yr old while they got o school in the uk . or a uni student coming and going ,cos i know i wouldnt i have my own teens to bother me i wouldnt want anybody elses ,

ceebie · 07/02/2012 11:57

GoEasyPudding buy an air bed! Problem solved. Store it on top of a wardrobe or summat and ditch the smelly truckle bed. You get get quite posh comfy ones these days and not very expensive - I grew up hating the things but recently slept on a 'modern' one at my friends and couldn't believe how comfy it was!!! They said you just plugged it in to inflate it too - no hours on end with a foot pump! They got it in Costco. Was amazed.

iseenodavidcopperfield · 07/02/2012 12:01

YANBU They may ask and you may decline.

TandB · 07/02/2012 12:04

YANBU

DP and I are gearing up to remember that "no" is a complete sentence when the inevitable request for a lengthy stay comes from some close family members who have managed (entirely through their own lack of organisation/priorities) to have a gap between moving out of one house and moving into another. Anyone else, we would help out, but if we agree to this we will finish up being used as unpaid childcare and domestic skivvies for them while they swan off to have fun.

Some other family members who are usually a total pushover have suddenly developed shiny balls of steel and already said no. That just leaves us.

No. NO. [practices]

SetFiretotheRain · 07/02/2012 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineOhWhy · 07/02/2012 12:08

We live in central London and have a couple of spare rooms. We usually say yes when asked. However, requests are usually (1) people we know well, and (2) only for a couple of nights or when we are on hols (and I am quite happy with a bit of house sitting). I have some neices and nephews who are coming up to an age where they may start asking more often (either becuase they want to hang out in London or for work experience or something). I think I would be ok with a couple of weeks or so (eg for work experience or while looking for a flat), but for anything more than a couple of nights it would be on the basis of some firm ground rules (tidy up after themselves, maybe a night or two babysitting etc), and they would not be invited back if they took the p.

mrsjay · 07/02/2012 12:10

goeasy a airbed in the livingroom would be fine for them

willowstar · 07/02/2012 12:11

YANBU at all. I don't mind people staying for a couple of days but I find it really stressful when family stay for longer than that. My mum is really upset as I didn't want her here for the two weeks immediately post birth of my second child, but I just find it really stressful and would rather be left to get on with it. A couple of nights is fine but after that...no. I like my house relatively clean and tidy, I don't like dishes left all round the sink (put them in the dishwasher for god's sake!) and I hate getting hassled for my laundry every waking moment as my mum is want to do. I sound like a really miserable bugger don't I?

As for random strangers, NO WAY!

exexpat · 07/02/2012 12:13

Short stays, yes - I have lived overseas, and when I go back to visit, often stay with friends, so I am happy to do the same for others. But normally maximum a week.

Having a student or a school-child doing a GCSE course is something completely different. I have a spare bedroom and live near a good university, but I have no desire to take in a full-time student - I would only do it if I needed the money.

The only exception would be if there was some other feeling of obligation: I did have a Japanese student to stay for a month a year or so ago so she could go to a language school near me, but she is someone I have known since she was a toddler, and her family (grandparents) had my late husband living with them for a year as a student. They have become almost a second family to us, have been incredibly kind and generous over the years, so I was glad to finally be able to repay some of that. I wouldn't necessarily do the same for anyone else.

trustissues75 · 07/02/2012 12:13

Your house, your say in who stays when and how long for. If people are going to take the hump, let them. Emotional blackmail aint right and you are free to choose to completely ignore it.

lynniep · 07/02/2012 12:16

YANBU AT ALL!!
We (well, mostly DH) hates having any house guests. To the extent that after I had DS2 and my DStepMum, DStepsister and my DNiece wanted to stay, I booked them into the Travelodge at my expense instead (to be fair, it was musical beds with the newborn at that point so the spare room was reserved for DH so I could co-sleep)
Our house is a decent size, FOR US, but as far as we're concerned whether or not we have a spare room or not is irrelevant. Its OUT HOUSE and we will decline guests who ASK to stay if we want to. These days, if its a rare occasion and we WANT them there its fine. Otherwise, no way.

JustHecate · 07/02/2012 12:20

Hell no I wouldn't.

I won't be used. If someone is coming to be with me, then they are very welcome and I will make a huge fuss of them.

If they decide that they are going to use my home, because it is convenient - they can fuck right off, frankly.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 07/02/2012 12:22

YANBU.

It's your house. Overnight guests I can handle, I would no way want someone I barely know staying for days/weeks/months.

If I wanted a boarder, I wouldn't have a spare room would I?

Firawla · 07/02/2012 12:25

yanbu i hate overnight guests, the only one i dont mind is my sister. its really cheeky of people to ask if they can be a long term guest!! asking for a couple of nights is okay aslong as they accept a no if its inconvenient, but asking for long term things such as children staying while they do their gcses is too much of an ask.