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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to talk about this? (sex question)

29 replies

dappply · 06/02/2012 17:50

have namechanged as i don't want myself or DH to be recognised, am embaressed.

Been with DH 6 years, 3 year old DD and am 6 months pregnant. When I was pregnant with DD we carried on having sex until her birth, and he didn't seem to find me less attractive.

Admittedly this time round I'm a stone heavier, but I don't actually feel hugely different physically. However he hasn't iniated sex in months, which I've been trying not to worry about as he does have a history of being lazy like that. But then the last couple of times he's been unreluctant and I've felt like it was all me. Last weekend when we had sex he didn't come, said that he was "too asleep" to come. And then this morning he lost his erection twice while we were having sex :-(

I was upset as this hasn't happened before ever. I want to talk about it, to find out what's wrong, whether there's anything bothering him, something he's stressed about or that he doesn't find me attractive. and i feel paranoid now too. But he says he's fine. It's no big issue for him, and that in asking him about it I'm either "being insensitive, or pushing him to be insensitive"

He is busy at work, has recently had a promotion and is also worried about money. so maybe it's nothing to do with my pregnancy But according to him, he's fine and not stressed or worried.

aibu to press him to talk?

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 06/02/2012 18:02

Is he likely to be honest? Will you be able to handle it if he is and it is to do with you?

I would ask him jokingly when it next happens. I wouldn't make a major issue about it and have a MASSIVE conversation highlighting what he probably feels is an inadequecy atm.

My OH sometimes has "trouble" when he is stressed or worried about things I think its pretty normal and your OH has a lot going on with a new baby to support and worrying about work, I'd ask him but I think I'd accept his response and move on as I doubt hes going to want to dwell on it - it might make him worse.

patsdeadfrank · 06/02/2012 18:02

you got to talk about these thing before they become the massive elephant in the room. especially if its making you feel cack about yourself when to be fair it might b e bollocks all to do with you, but it is effecting both of you. if its been months it prob time for him to be honest and chat it out or go to the doctor.

ComposHat · 06/02/2012 18:06

I think it is a media myth that men are constantly randy.

Just like women, men's interest in sex ebbs and flows, if he is tired/worried about other things, he is less likely to be intereted in sex. In the past I have had periods where my interest in sex wanes. Sometimes there is no obvious cause, sometimes it is because I am tired/stressed/generally feeling a bit low. It is nothing to do with my partner or her physical appearence.

TooEasilyTempted · 06/02/2012 18:09

Hmmm you're "pushing him to be insensitive"? Are you open to hearing something that you probably won't like from your DH, because that's where it sounds like he's headed with this topic of conversation.

Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 18:28

yes it was the "pushing him to be insensitive" comment that I didn't like either.
No I don't think i'm going to like hearing it, as there's fuck all i can do about it at six months pregnant is there?

is usually honest yes, but he does usually need pushing to talk about problems. He usually tries to ignore stuff, thinks I'm weird becaue i can't

:-(

Composthat, thanks for that. I find it hard to accept though without honest conversation.

OP posts:
ComposHat · 06/02/2012 18:39

Yes, he should be more open about why things are as they are though. Expecting you to try and second guess is a bit unreasonable of him, if it is gennuinely tiredness/stress.

ComposHat · 06/02/2012 18:45

It might be something else entirely, but I didn't want you to automatically think it was something/anything to do with you or being pregnant.But yes, you really do need to talk.

Has/does your husband suffer from depression? I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early 20s, but by and large have learned to live with it. I still get patches where I seem to sink into dispair. In those circumstances the first thing I lose interest in is sex.

Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 18:49

nope he's not a depressive type atall. He's genuinely a content sorted kind of man. Which is why I suspect it's probably to do with me being unattractive to him rather than him being stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 18:50

he's adament it's fine though. in his words "there's no big issue as far as I'm concerned"

OP posts:
G1nger · 06/02/2012 18:52

I don't think it's your weight. But have you asked him?

Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 18:53

not directly about my weight. I've asked him whether it's because he doesn't find me attractive at the moment. He says it's not

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 18:54

I agree with compos

G1nger · 06/02/2012 18:58

"there's no big issue as far as I'm concerned"

As someone whose libido has recently gone from outrageous to absent (since baby was born), I'm inclined to agree with this statement. If he has little/no libido, not having sex will not be a problem for him. But it should be a problem if he does not anticipate it improving in future (like I hope mine will). Have you asked him if this is the future for you both, as well as the present?

Is he also worried about anything in connection with your new baby? How you'll cope etc?

minceorotherwise · 06/02/2012 18:58

Maybe, and only a maybe...last time as a ( I'm assuming) first pregnancy, he didn't really see it as a 'baby' IYSWIM, whereas this time, after (presumably) witnessing the birth etc he is associating the pregnancy with a real human being in there, that soon ish is going to be coming out of THERE
Might just be the whole concept rather than you personally

Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 19:05

he totally says he's fine, not worried, not stressed. and like i say, he's never been the most proactive sexually out of the two of us. He's annoyed at me, saying i'm trying to make a problem, trying to push him into saying something insensitive.

But i just don't feel i can let it drop. As well as the couple of incidents of not coming and losing his erection, he's got a sore neck from tension in his muscles, is always tired, is working longer and longer hours, is constantly talking about money and worrying about not being able to save up any.

I'm also worried about the attractiveness thing. I feel very sensitive and sad

OP posts:
Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 19:06

he says that the pregnancy is fine, loves my bump. he says he's not worried about the new baby either

OP posts:
minceorotherwise · 06/02/2012 19:10

You are bound to feel sensitive at this stage anyway. And you are right to try and get to the bottom of it, no point in starting the slippery slope of sweeping things under the carpet (I speak from experience unfortunately!)
Try and initiate the conversation again but try and re phrase so that it's less confrontational for you both. 'I'm worried about you, etc etc is it x, is it y....then he doesn't have to say it himself, he just needs to say yes or no.

Chubfuddler · 06/02/2012 19:13

He says he's not stressed but he clearly is from your description. Men aren't machines. I bet you go off the boil when tired, anxious etc and so does he.

Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 19:22

hmmm..i feel bad now... i was quite upset this morning. I was just so shocked and sad.

OP posts:
Jenny70 · 06/02/2012 20:54

It could be stress, in which case he needs to be the one to acknowledge it and do something to make it work better for him... if he isn't wanting to believe it's a problem, then he's not going to want to do stress management.

If it's that you're not attractive to him at the moment, that's certainly a blow to your ego. But again, not much you can do until baby is born etc (this also goes for the whole "there's a baby in there" mentality).

But if it is early signs of depression or other medical condition (erectile disfunction can be symptoms of ?heart disease) then he needs to speak to a GP.

I'd be pushing the medical angle, "I'm worried about you, this isn't about performance or desireability, but if this is the warning sign for something I want us to know about it and fix it, not bury our heads in the sand".

MAYBELATERNOWIMBUSY · 06/02/2012 21:39

he may be scared he will harm the baby > honestly ! he may find u off limits cos he has no real experience of children and pregnancy , he may be shitting himself but being a bloke can t say 2 u , maybe he so loves u , and the child in your womb , he thinks wot he is doing is correct , but still does not get it . some fella s just dont get childbirth , if he came from a large family ? if only kid ? maybe he is well scared ? but trying 2 be cool about it ? just my experience / opinion , hope it helps>childbirth , everytime, is a miricle

Helltotheno · 06/02/2012 21:48

Maybe pregnancy sex turns him off a bit.. is that so bad? I doubt it's a reflection on you or that he sees it that way.

Original poster
dappply · 06/02/2012 22:39

but we've already got a three year old and had sex throughout the last pregnancy, infact even had sex the day i went into labour

OP posts:
poinsetta · 06/02/2012 22:43

I would let it go for a while. It could be that he is just having an off phase and if you push it he might say something he doesn't even mean just to stop your questions. Some said things can't get taken back. Obviously if it goes on and on you will have to bring it up but i would let it go for a while.

JosieZ · 07/02/2012 07:26

In my experience it is to do with things at his work, my DH was v randy when project going well/ bosses pleased with the way things are going/ promotion imminent - and off sex (and wanting cuddles) when job going badly/ possibly being moved etc --- though this was not found out by discussing it.

However he blamed me for his inability to maintain an erection over recent years because I didn't show enough interest according to DH, when it was, imo, due to him getting on a bit (60s) and not being physically fit. Fortunately cyalis has sorted this problem.

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