Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DD go out to her friends when she hasnt gone to school?

39 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2012 11:14

she is 14 years old and upstairs throwing a teenage paddy....

She hates me and doesnt want to see me - so there! my crime?

she did not go to school this morning saying the buses are unreliable in the snow and that none of her friends were going (which is true - some of her pals have stayed home because the buses are unreliable in this weather) the school is 8 miles away.
now while i wasnt happy with this i was too tired to argue (came off nights - driving conditions around her were pretty terrible and i agreed to her staying off)
she has just presented herself in full make up, clothed for the weather (scarf on, coat on, etc) saying she was going to her friends up the road.
ive said NO!!
ive said if she isnt at school she isnt wandering the streets! or going to friends!
ive rung the school and they are open and they said that yes, the buses were all late but they got there in the end...
so AIBU to a)stop her going out today and b) make her go tomorrow - snow or no snow?

OP posts:
Winkly · 06/02/2012 11:16

If she's not at school she can study. End of.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/02/2012 11:16

I think you are being a bit harsh actually.

She stayed off school for a valid reason that isn't illness. What is there to be gained from making her stay in all day?

You should make her go tomorrow though.

GypsyMoth · 06/02/2012 11:17

Yanbu!!

I have this with my dd too..... Stick to your guns. I usually text her friends mum so we are both ready for it, and we both say 'no'

Any coursework she could be doing? Grin

RightUpMyRue · 06/02/2012 11:18

Can she do some schoolwork which will earn her the piviledge to go to her friends?

She should go tomorrow but for today, she's not ill, cut her some slack.

Mrsgradgrind · 06/02/2012 11:19

Well with hindsight, perhaps you should have warned her of the consequences while she still had a chance to go. But yanbu, she's shirking and shouldn't be rewarded for that.

Kytti · 06/02/2012 11:20

I'd send her to school late or not. She can still get in a half day. If she's dedicated enough to get to her mate's , she can be dedicated to her education. lol

Get her to do some homework.

Enjoy!

wannaBe · 06/02/2012 11:22

no yanbu.

And this idea that people don't go out because it snowed yesterday is ridiculous.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2012 11:26

kytti -she cannot get to school now - the school is 8 miles away with a school bus service, so that ship has sailed, i have had enough of driving in this ice/snow and now im on my days off i intend on going nowhere, so im not driving her.

i just thought if she isnt at school then she shouldnt be out - its not a holiday or a day off legitimately - she could have gone...

OP posts:
soandsosmummy · 06/02/2012 11:26

I can see both points of view.

Its clearly not her fault she can't get to school and keeping her inside all day is going to be no fun for anyone.

Can you propose a compromise - eg alright DD you're 14 and old enough for me to trust you. If I let you go out now will you promise to be back no later than 2pm and then do at least 2 hours good work on your coursework?

PostBellumBugsy · 06/02/2012 11:27

No Vicar, you are being perfectly reasonable. If it is too snowy to go to school, then it is too snowy to be messing around outside with friends.

I'm trying to imagine where you must be that conditions are that bad. We had quite alot where we are, but everything is functioning fine today. The smaller roads need to be taken at a slow speed, as they still have snow on them, but generally it is fine.

mollymole · 06/02/2012 11:29

Too late now, but you should have sent her to school in the first place. If the school bus had not turned up she could have come home, and if it does turn up then they will be in school.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 11:29

YANBU

She doesn't get to dictate to you when she does/doesn't got to school.

The bus thing sounds like a red herring anyway...if she was bothered about being late, she would have left earlier.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2012 11:31

A possible thought for the future, if this happens again from her decision (though I would probably have made her go, but I understand your weariness), would be a deal:
A morning of solid school work and then a few hours with friends.

chopchopbusybusy · 06/02/2012 11:33

I wouldn't have let her stay off in the first place. DD1s school is 20 miles away, DD2s is 12 miles away. Unless the school website says busses are off due to bad weather, they go and wait. If the bus then doesn't show up they come home and are free to do as they please on the basis that they have not missed lessons as there will have been so many students missing that they will recap anything they missed in school time.

Mrsgradgrind · 06/02/2012 11:37

If the buses got in you can drive her in. I cAn appreciate you don't wNt to but you're the parent, and if you don't you're actually colluding with her being off school. Give her a choice now - she drives in now with you or stays home and studies. If she studies now she can Play out when the school day ends.

cutegorilla · 06/02/2012 11:38

YABU you should've sent her to school anyway but since you gave her the ok to not go to school I can't see what you're gaining by not letting her out. The reason you accepted her not going to school was because of the buses but she's not planning on using the buses now.

Either it was ok for her to take the day off, in which case she can do as she likes, or it wasn't and you should have told her to go to school. To say it's ok to stay at home but then effectively punish her for doing so is a bit off imo.

Selks · 06/02/2012 11:38

You are quite right to stop her from seeing friends if she chose not to attempt to get into school this morning. It sends a positive message to her that she has nothing to gain by staying off school - a useful lesson for her to learn.
if she is allowed to see her friends then it gives her the message that skipping school has no sanctions and she can do something more pleasurable with that time instead, which would set her up for being tempted to skip school in the future imo.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2012 11:39

ah well.

i went up to talk to her about a possible compromise, but she has taken all her make up off, had a blotchy face from crying and has got back into bed....she says her friend has now fallen out with her as she got ready - ready for what?? surely they cannot be wandering about outside on a school day! ive explained that, but noooooo
if i thought they would just be stopping in one house or the other then i might have allowed it - but they cant go out!

we had a bit of a set to last night because she promised me she was getting a lift home from the BFs and she arrived home at 8.30pm clearly having walked - tried to lie about it, then admitted it.

oh dear....and she still hates me...now to muddy the waters she says her dad said "it was fine" - he has gone to bed for a few hours as he is working nights.

sodding hell. i need to go talk to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2012 11:42

nope....she still hates me. and wont talk to me.

a quiet day ahead then.

OP posts:
LoonyRationalist · 06/02/2012 11:48

YABU although it seems too late for that now anyway. You agreed with her decision that she couldn't get to school. You didn't at that time say I expect you to work at home anyway. Her friends is walkable which is why she can get there & not to school. No wonder she is confused.

DeWe · 06/02/2012 11:51

I wouldn't have thought "none of my friends are going to school" an excuse at all. Tough luck. Off to school. They could all agree to say that to their parents anyway.

But if she's off school I might have let them go to a friend's house up the road, but not to go out further.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 06/02/2012 11:55

If the school was shut because of snow, I would see no problem with her going out enjoying herself.

I think your mistake was letting her stay off when the school was open and the buses running.

My DD is of the mindest that if it has snowed then school will automatically be closed. She was very disappointed this morning.

sue52 · 06/02/2012 11:56

I would have gone for a compromise. A mornings worth of home study for a couple of hours fun with a friend.

EdithWeston · 06/02/2012 11:58

I agree with the posters who say she should "earn" time with her mates in the afternoon by completing all outstanding homework and/or other educational activities in the morning.

YonSeaCow · 06/02/2012 12:04

I don't understand the pandering to her tantrum of not getting what she wants - it's really not on to tell you she hates you Sad! She isn't in school due to weather, so should therefore study at home.*

*disclaimer, I have no teenagers.