To sometimes wonder-is this it?

[MrsHeffley]

42 and 3 kids who I adore.

I know I am blessed but at the moment all I can see is mortgage payments,the teenage years ahead,kids exams,kids going off to uni or moving out(if we're lucky),kids travelling and living the life I had once had.

What happened to me and my life?Starting to think I'll only pick it up again when I'm in my 70s and too old and knackered to live life for me.Also beginning to regret all I didn't do.

No I'm not depressed,just wondering if I'm the only one and if all mums feel like this and if you don't I'd be very interested in hearing why and would welcome a virtual kick up the backside.

People do all sorts of stuff when they have kids - but you do need a support network to manage that. Do you have a husband/partner? Parents/siblings/friends who can help? If so, have you thought about doing something just for you, like an evening class? I recently did a course in make-up and it was really nice just to go off and do something where I wasn't X's wife/Y's mum/Z's assistant.

That's a shame you feel that way. Why don't you think you can live life now? Is there any free time you can make to do things for yourself? A course or voluntary work? What do you feel you're missing out on?

I have to say I don't feel this way (most of the time) but I have only one child and I had him in my late 30s so I did a lot before...!

Sometimes feel like this. But when I do I try and make sure I build in fun again to my life. I think it is easy to plough on with the everyday stuff and forget to be silly, play and have fun. This might be with your kids - but honestly it might be with your DP or friends.

So yesterday we walked to meet one of our kids and passed a large patch of grass. At my DP's suggestion we both made snow angels and had a smnall snowball fight. Took about 10 minutes, was free, but both made us laugh.

Also I am a great believer in the idea if there is something you really want to do, then do it. If you want to go out partying for example, then do it - it might only be once a month while DP stays at home and looks after the kids, but you can still do it.

or if you want to travel then look at cheap camping holidays abroad for example.

when i was a teenager my mum went back to uni and i was so proud of her (Even though i probably never said so at the time )
i think that teenagers don't need their parents there all the time, they just need to know they're loved and supported emotionally not necessarily physically - imo they're old enough to start sorting their own transport, food, housework etc.

I had mine late too and although I travelled didn't travel as much as I wanted to.Went into a safe career(teaching)now up the swanee but something I don't want to go back to.Kind of wish I'd gone into a career that I wanted to do instead of something I felt I should do although I didn't realise that at the time.

Most of the weekends/evenings are taken up with kids parties,homework,bike rides etc,etc,etc,etc,etc.

I'm actually jealous of all the freedom and life they have ahead!!!!

So many places and things I still want to do but time and money kind of mean none of it is very likely to happen.On top of all that I now realise I'm middle aged and the age my parents were when I was 16!!!!!!!!!

We do camp but I want to go to New York,drive across the US,do my Masters,have a go at ski-ing,do the rest of the GK Islands,eat out,go to gigs............I won't bore you with the rest it goes on forever.

You can't do any of it with zero money,zero time and 3 kids that need to come first.

I'm aware I'm sounding like a very spoilt brat but seriously 10 days camping in Cornwall,Savers wine on a Friday(if I'm lucky),kind of loosing the enthusiasm iykwim!

I went into a career that was what my mother wanted for me. I hated it, but carried on for 8 years and then went on maternity leave with DD. Decided during mat leave that I couldn't go back to it as I was wasting my life, so started up a business doing what I actually wanted to do and then went back part time. Quit completely six months later and I am now MUCH happier and love my work.

The kids won't always be little, there will be a time when they are all at school/independent enough that you can do more (and no, you won't be 70 when that happens) and then you could re-train?

That's encouraging.

Thinking of doing my Masters as OU but worried about how well it'll be thought of and if it will get me work.Sadly can't do it just because I want to iykwim.It has to earn it's keep.

I would love to do one in Children's Literature in London but I can't see what work it would lead to and how I could fund it.A 40 something with a BEd (Eng Lit) ex teacher with 3 kids isn't going to be high on anybody's list iykwim. Kind of very slightly bitter I can't do what I want to do anymore.

Off out for a while.Thankyou though you've given me food for thought!

No you're not and you're not the only one - I recently posted this and got some interesting replies.

I feel exactly as you do. I love aspects of my life and am grateful for what I've got but I can't help wondering if this is all there is and I HATE everything being governed by money (not an unusual opinion I suspect!) Your 'camping and Savers wine' is exactly like us and in addition I'm trying to lose weight at the moment which is really hard because most of the time a glass of wine and some chocolate biscuits are the best treat we can afford :(

I'd adore to do more with my life and I know my poor old DH would like a change of career after 20 years slogging it out in London but it's just not an option. He's going to have to take some job he hates (if he's lucky enough to get one) and we'll continue to struggle and get by with only the odd day out or cheap holiday to look forward to. It's not what I bloody well signed up for that's for sure.

No answers I'm afraid but you're certainly not alone.

"I want to go to New York,drive across the US,do my Masters,have a go at ski-ing,do the rest of the GK Islands,eat out,go to gigs"

Seriously you can do at least some of that - maybe not in the way you would do it pre kids, but it doesn't mean its impossible.

For example:

1. Go to gigs - Lots of student and alternative pubs have free gigs. They may not all be great, but some will be. All you have to pay for is 1 drink - half pint of cider maybe and experience being a student again. Cost about £1.

1. Eat out - More difficult without money. Obviously you do need some money to do this. If you really have no money this isn't an option. If a little bit - we do early birds, lunches - have taken a few hours off work to eat lunch during the week as there are some very cheap deals, pre theatre, use of vouchers, etc.

1. New York is difficult to do without any money, so may have to wait. But maybe you could have a US or NY savings account and put a tiny bit away every so often. we did this - I was desperate to go to Iceland which used to be very very expensive. Took me 10 years to get the money together, but I did go. And just knowing I was saving money towards it made a difference.

And you need to think like a young person or student in terms of costs. So youth hostels for example rather than hotels. Also you might want to talk your DP into agreeing that maybe say in 8 years time you will do a trip to NY without kids as it will be easier to do it cheaply without stress.

1. If you want to do a masters in children's literature then begin to work out how you can do it. It doesn't have to pay for itself. For example, used to be the case that if you worked for the OU you got to do courses free. If still the case is this something you could work towards - son't know what your experience is but they have lots of office/admin jobs.

1. Save up and try ski ing at a dry ski slope. You might hate it after all. If you love it then maybe a holiday in the distant future? You don't have to go to expensive places. Have friends who got a last minute deal to bulgaria a couple of years ago that was dirt cheap. Accommodation was very basic, but fine.

I guess what I am trying to say is that often there are ways to do things if you think laterally. The reason its exciting to be young is that we still think lots is possible and we still try to work out how to do things that seem difficult at first. I know its harder with kids, but not impossible if you really want to do it imo.

For example, I always remember reading about a young couple that went travelling around India with their baby for 6 months when the baby was 6 weeks old. Everyone told them it would be impossible. But they did it and they said they had a great time.

I'm 36 and a single parent of 2 DC. I have a full-time job and I've recently started 6 months of part-time training to do something in a voluntary capacity that will hopefully result in a change of career to something much more fulfilling and much better paid in a few years time when my DC are older and I have more flexible childcare available.

I had to wait until my DC were in school to do this. I simply couldn't juggle everything (just paying for and coordinating childcare for two pre-schoolers was bad enough). The last year was one of the hardest I'd had. I wasn't unhappy as such but I felt completely unfulfilled and that life was passing me by. I knew that if I wanted to change my life, I had to something about it and being forced to wait until it was practically possible was really, really difficult, especially as it took me about 18 months to settle on something that I thought I would like, had development/salary potential, and which I could afford the money/time to fit round my current commitments.

I found that the 'emptiness' disappeared almost as soon as I started applying for stuff. The simple act of doing something about my situation made me feel a whole lot better rather than sitting back in passive unhappiness.I've realised that fulfilment was way more important than money. It will be years before I see any financial pay off from this and yet now that I feel happy about what I'm doing with my life that doesn't seem to matter as much.

It hasn't been easy and I occasionally have moments of panic about whether I am being completely unrealistic about my ability to juggle 2 children, a full time job and a voluntary career when I have no partner and no family, but most of the time I feel really pleased about how things are going. It's made me more optimistic and confident, which in turn tends to make life more enjoyable generally.

Good luck.Try to consider this stage the motivating factor to a new, more fulfilling stage in your life. All you have to is decide on what that will be.

My local adult college does an evening course in writing children's literature. Check out what free/cheap local courses are available - you might be surprised. If you are interested in studying and possibly writing children's books then look into it. My mother has written a book of poetry and got it published - she isn't special, she certainly isn't rich and she has 3 kids too (albeit we were almost grown up by the time all that happened). She just really wanted to do it, so she joined local writing groups, went on a couple of short free courses and started writing.

"The reason its exciting to be young is that we still think lots is possible and we still try to work out how to do things that seem difficult at first."

Yes this is EXACTLY it.

Also, remember that old saying - trite but true - "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right".

I felt like that. So now I'm a postgrad student and have taken up a unusual sport as a hobby, amongst other things.

Life is what you make it, and you only have to be stuck in a rut if you allow yourself to be.

OP, You're only 5 years older than me! Stop being such an old lady!!!

I'm 38, married and have 2 DCs (13 and 5). I've done everything since having children - from learning to drive, going to university as an undergrad and post grad, various other courses/training. I'm also a musician and have just started leading a small folk group. I constantly do new stuff, challenge myself and try new things. And I love it! A lot of our time is also taken up with children's activities and parties and whilst, we do prioritise them, they also understand that they are not the only important ones. My DH is the same. I'm a teacher but incredibly disillusioned by it and, to top it all, was restructured out of a job last summer.

Now I'm establishing myself as a freelancer.

In my experience, my current position and experience is only making me more attractive to potential clients, not less. It depends how you interpret and present yourself and your achievements.

The OU is a great place to study and post grad courses aren't affected by the price rises so an MA will cost around £4.5k.

Travelling doesn't appeal to me. I'm quite happy to go camping in cornwall! so i can't help you there.

I don't feel jealous about my children and the future ahead of them. I feel excited for them and want them to experience everything they can. I'll only be 53 when my youngest is 18. I'll still have my best years ahead of me!

I'm going to be really dull now and suggest that you do a bit of goal setting and make some SMART targets to achieve it. It sounds a bit sad, and DH and I appear to have quite a bohemian existence from the outside, but on the inside, it's all planned!

MrsH, I am feeling like you are at the moment.
I'll have to read the advice you've been given here in the hope I can get my arse in gear to do something about it.

The problem with all my plans and dreams is the funding.
Do have a few plans for distant future when the children leave home or are much older - I'm off travelling again fingers crossed.

Actually, I'll be 51 Bet your glad I'm not teaching your kids!!!

Well. If you want to write a childrens book, my advice is: Write a childrens book.
If you think you might want to do it-do it.
Your life is by no means over, and it shouldn't completely revolve around your kids.
It sounds like you need to do something for yourself that doesn't have anythign to do with your kids, so that you can feel like your life contains exiting prospects too.
I have a plan to fuck off to India for a month as soon as ds is old enough to be left with his fairly useless father.
Thinking about this sometimes keeps me going!

I felt like MrsH four years ago. Had a bit of a midlife crisis (aged 39) and changed my life. Realised my DH was a good dad and enjoys being with kids and didn't mind me not being there occasionally. So I take myself off to gigs, have the odd night away in a £12 travelodge, go out on walks alone, go and see parts of the country I don't know. I also take the kids away without DH: camping, Travelodges, etc. we do stuff that we never knew was there - quirky museums, woodland walks, canal nature trails. We started geocaching last year, it's brilliant for a free outdoor hobby.

I spend a lot of time chatting to people online: go to forums where they're chatting about your fave band or craft or films and meet like-minded people. I now have loads of pals all over the world, and free places to stay when I go to gigs . I also have people to chat to who don't know me as the mum/wife/daughter/employee, which is very refreshing! Don't assume that there's just what you have in your neighbourhood: the world's shrunk and you DO have access to it all!

Get up to speed with the latest technology so your kids can't baffle you. Learn how to make YouTube videos, how to make ringtones, how to edit photos, whatever. You will find stuff that interests and excites you, even if it isnt what you envisaged for yourself at this point in your life. You need to live for today, have some fun NOW. And yes, quietly stash away some £ for that trip of a lifetime. But you know, every trip could be the trip of a lifetime if you put enough planning, energy and excitement into it . I wish you lots of luck

I feel the opposite. I had children young, and I have done a lot of stuff since -travelled, done postgrad study and worked. My youngest will presumably be off to university in 8 years time, and I feel then that my live will be over because the children are my life. Everything else is window dressing. My mum started an entirely new career after having children which she loved, but it didn't make up for no longer having her children with her. Having grandchildren has made things a little better for her.

Bur there are still lots of exciting things ahead for you, and I'm sure you will go out and do them.

Just to say as well there is loads of things you can do very very cheaply if you are prepared to think like a young person, rather than a middle aged person. So I have went couch surfing with 2 of my dcs. It is a free website and you can literally go and stay with another couchsurfer free of charge. No you don't know them, but it is exciting and they are uisually keen to show you where they live. And it is not necessarily couches - more normally a spare room.

There are a few families on it, but we stayed with a couple of single people who were fine with well behaved dcs. And with cheap bus or train tickets it is very very cheap, but I think quite exciting.

Also use a couple of community cafes run by mainly students. They provide cheap veggie food - a really nice way to eat out very cheaply and tend to be welcoming of children.

I think lots of people as they get older limit themselves as to what they can do. If you don't like doing things like this fine. But many people I talk to seem nervous of trying things they may have been happy to do in their 20's.

I agree lesley, there are too many people who think they've 'grown out' of doing stuff they used to enjoy.

I honestly have no idea why you're so down on yourself and your options.

Pick one thing to do THIS month, one thing THIS YEAR and one thing to work towards in five years and just bloody work out how to do it.

That sounds simplistic but really you'll get such a boost from working towards change, that it will matter less to you that some of the changes will take some time to come round.

You say the children have to come first, and we all know what you mean, but really you should ALL be important in your family and your mental health and wellbeing should be just as important because happy parents do honestly make happier children. As your children get older they'll start to talk to you about your life and your choices... don't have nothing positive to say to them.

I don't know, to me if my kids have or do something I feel just as excited as if I've had it or done it.

When the late teen DS s go on school ski trips or expeditions, or plan a gap year in NZ, I'm thrilled. I don't seem to need it as much for myself anymore, i'm quite content.