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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is the point?

35 replies

TamsinTiger · 05/02/2012 21:33

My birthday is on wednesday, something I have to accept, but this one is a milestone.

I do not expect anything really just for my family to be happy.

My husband has said over the last few days that he would be taking my sons out shopping..he had many opportunities and decided not to until today. When snow was thick on the ground,he said that they had to go out with him at 12, but in the meantime many of my sons friends had phoned and wanted them to join in the snow fun. I said could the shopping trip be a bit later or if he knew what they wanted to buy, could he not buy it.?

My husband then said.."I don't care do what you F*ing like , I just do not care"

I said that I just wanted my sons to have fun, and I would rather that than a forced trip to buy me presents..

I have been trying to decide all afternoon if this is now time for a divorce chat?

Oh and my sons had fun in the snow..I do not want presents bought in such a way that it was presented. But I suppose I am ignoring the "I do not care statement" silly me.

OP posts:
numbertaker · 05/02/2012 21:37

I just think that you are tense because of your 'big birthday'. I would put it in the past. I am coming up to a 'big one' and I am not usually that botherd but it is irking me.

Just be honest and tell him your feeling a little freaked, and don't value yourself by what people buy you for presents.

Also if a trip into town had been made, regardless of kids friends playing out you should have stuck to the plan. He was making the effort.

Its a storm in a tea cup.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 21:37

It seems like this is about more than just today. Does your husband often have similar outbursts?

troisgarcons · 05/02/2012 21:41

May I suggest he buys you a grip? you clearly are missing one if you want a divorce over a missing shopping trip.

Actually you are coming across (to me) as a complete martyr.

joomtape · 05/02/2012 21:54

there has got to be something more to it than this - seriously you'd divorce your husband over this?

Original poster
TamsinTiger · 05/02/2012 21:57

Oh wow, yes he has such outbursts a lot.

And it has nothing at all to do with my birthday, I do not want an effort at the expense of a pain.

Unite all matyres..how cruel

Luckily , I have real human friends, I will speak to them, or just confide, it is clearly a mistake to expose feelings here.

OP posts:
Original poster
TamsinTiger · 05/02/2012 22:13

Oh yes, have just looked around this thread.

And understand why I was stupid to expect any sort of dialogue?

OMG this is supposed to be about mothers..not horrible trolling..really sad that is the case.

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:15

I would maybe ask to have your post moved to Relationships Tamsin - you will get good advice there.

MidsomerM · 05/02/2012 22:18

He sounds unreasonable to me. And like you OP, I certainly wouldn't expect my kids to cancel a fun day in the snow to be dragged around the shops. If he says things like this regularly, especially if it's in front of your children, I would not be happy.

startwig1982 · 05/02/2012 22:20

Thinking about divorce is a bit extreme unless he's like that all the time. Maybe he's just panicking that it's a big birthday and he wants to get you the perfect present (although maybe he should have gone before)? Chat to him later and reassure him that you just want to enjoy your day wit your family and you're not worried about presents!

Kayano · 05/02/2012 22:21

But he was trying to organise a shopping trip for you to get you some presents, and you were the one saying no! If you had kept on telling him that he should change his plans with the boys and changing plans when he was right there trying
To organise it then after a while anyone would be

'oh just get on with it then I don't care'

I would Blush
And why the bad attitude? You asked!

anonacfr · 05/02/2012 22:25

A storm in a teacup? A martyr? WATF???

I would be really upset if my other half swore at me re buying my birthday gift. Surely he doesn't need to take his sons with him anyway?

And as for 'making an effort' you'd think a loving partner would actually want to buy his wife a birthday present, not treat it as a chore he should be commended for... Hmm

griphook · 05/02/2012 22:30

yanbu, he sounds a bit like a wanker,

he shouldn't have sworn at you, and his attitude ust shows a lack of respect towards you.

What is his attitude like to you at other times

Kayano · 05/02/2012 22:34

But he was going to buy
The present with his sons and OP was insisting he didn't bother. He wasn't pissing and moaning about going for presents, he was annoyed that she was telling him to change his plans with his sons to something else

It does seem a bit of an over reaction from one post/ one swear word

anonacfr · 05/02/2012 22:47

She didn't insist, she suggested going slightly later so that her sons could go and play in the snow. Hardly a ridiculous suggestion. He didn't need the boys there anyway- sounds to me like he was turning gift buying into a big passive aggressive production.

He was being the martyr, not the OP.

Kayano · 05/02/2012 22:52

How was taking the boys to the shops passive aggressive? He said they were going at 12 and he was sorting it out. I don't see why she couldn't just let them go so she could chill out?

AlbertoFrog · 05/02/2012 22:54

Sounds a bit like my husband ... 5 years old. Doesn't get his own way so has a tantrum.

Ask yourself honestly though, what would upset you more? Enforced birthday shopping? Or no birthday present? Does he have good points? Or is he just a constant pain in the arse?

My DH may be a bastard but he's my bastard. And he does have some good points (although at the moment he's hiding them very well)

Happy Birthday come Wednesday Thanks

anonacfr · 05/02/2012 22:57

Passive aggressive in that it had to be just when he decided as a big 'gesture'. When she dared suggest something else, she got the whole 'I'm doing this for you, you're so ungrateful, fuck off' thing.

anonacfr · 05/02/2012 22:59

Not to mention he's been announcing for days that he's planning this shopping trip but kept putting it off.
Big production.

Instead of going on about it just do it.

Original poster
TamsinTiger · 06/02/2012 00:16

It was never about the presents..The other way around we just think with love and do what is best,

It was the ranting and swearing in front of my dear sons that I can no longer put up with.

I understand, that fathers often do not see the full picture, and have made that concession for many years.but today was a tipping point. I never want to be in my home again with my husband saying that "he does not f*ing care, when it was about my sons playing in the snow..and I suppose the thing is that I could not speak to him about it, communication was closed, he was only swearing. That is the problem?

OP posts:
minimisschief · 06/02/2012 04:05

you sound like major hard work. no wonder he got pissed off.

CheerfulYank · 06/02/2012 04:19

I would be pretty irritated if my husband swore at me like that.

We do not swear at each other. It's just a no-no in our house.

chocolatehobnobs · 06/02/2012 04:39

Sorry that this happened and that others are giving you a hard time. I would be upset by the swearing. It's hard to judge OP, there's a chance he was frustrated trying to do something nice for you being foiled and angry with himself leaving it til the last minute. We can't really see the big picture and judge. I think you did the right thing letting boys play in the snow:)

Original poster
TamsinTiger · 08/02/2012 00:03

Yes, I think I did the right thing...do not understand why doing the right thing for your children becomes a battle.

But beginning to understand, that there are some bullies out there and that includes this thread and this forum..I had no idea..It really is depressing.

Thankyou to those who tried to help. I have to say that if I was a mother in desperate need of support this would not be the place that I would chose,,where do those nasty commentators come from and think that it is ok to comment as they do?

Cosy place this is not.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 08/02/2012 00:17

Don't give up on mumsnet, just learn the 'rules' - post in AIBU if you're thick skinned or it's a trivial matter, post on Relationships if you want actual support, _Chat for a bit of both.

Happy birthday by the way Smile

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 00:31

said with great aplomb austen fan

Major hard work, I'd say.