To leave DH and DS to 'indulge' in some work...

[HorribleDay]

DS is 1 and a bit. DH is a SAHD during the week and works nights at weekends, I work 4 days/week and take care of DS the other 3 days.

I am just over half way through a PhD which I desperately need to finish (due to work contract and progression). Deadlines looming.

Family member has offered me their house at end of Feb for a week. Plan would be I would head down on Monday and DH would bring DS on Thurs, with family watching him fri/sat/sun day time and me having meals cuddles and play with him before bed, during breakfast and at lunch.

I can get large chunk of write up done that week leaving me more free time with DS and DH during our AL in May.

DH came up with the plan in the first place...

Also have an ongoing health worry that is being swiftly investigated and consultant gynae and GP has told me will lead to (yet more) surgery sometime in March. DH's DF is currently dying of cancer.

Friend has just told me I'm being 'indulgent' for leaving DS for 3 nights....'especially given that DH is under so much pressure'. Said friend has ranted ++ about me working in the past, Including calling me a selfish mother and telling me my husband is a 'saint' for caring for DS during the week.

AIBU to think that this is a good plan and that I can get more done in that week than in 3 months of snatched afternoons?

And more importantly should I tell friend to fuck right off?

DH is a saint by the way :)

Well if dh agrees no one else's opinions matters

I think you need new friends - a decent friend would have offered to be on standby to help out your DH if needed. You and your DH are obviously happy with the situation and your DS will be well loved and cared for in your absence. Do what you need to do, it sounds like a good plan. Good luck.

Nothing to do with your "friend". YANBU. Is she jealous?

Tell your 'friend' to fuckoff

She just a jealous cow

It's none of your friend's business, tell them to back off!

Do it and don't feel guilty. As for your DH being 'a saint' for looking after his own son..well words defy me

Tell your so called friend to fuck off.
If you and dh husband are happy with the arrangement, then what business is it of hers?

Yes tell 'friend' to fuck off.
It's nothing to do with her. It seems that you and dh have got things worked out and are both happy with the arrangements.

YANBU. Best of luck with your few days study. Your friend definitely sounds jealous. None of her business at all.

You both sound great. This friend is jealous and stupid. Get rid. Oh, and men aren't saints for looking after their own children unless we all get a halo for it. DH sounds lovely though.

I think you friend should wind her neck in an mind her own busness. What works for you and your family (which is clearly supportive) is none of her business.

Friend is slightly odd (understatement of the year...) She gave up work to look after her DC's and feels the need to constantly reaffirm what she's doing (be it co-sleeping, BLW, not working til DC's are all in high school...) by openly criticising everyone else. It's v v stressful. She didn't react so well to me getting veeeerryy cross a few weeks back and asking her why she was so insecure about her parenting choices :)

DH is saint not because he looks after DS (and is bloody fab at doing so - he is far far better at hours of mega blocks farm playing and car brumming than me!!) but because I still don't know how I ended up with someone who's so supportive and lovely. We're both stressed beyond belief (him due to DF and my health scare, me due to deadlines and health scare) but he's great at calming me down when I just want a Valium and a vodka Suspect it's partly the age gap and partly that he's so chilled back he's horizontal!

Said friend has left me seething with insecurity that I'm a shit mother for even contemplating leaving DS for 3 nights - despite the rest of my brain telling me it's good for all (less stress, deadline less pressured, DS will have a fab time and be allowed to eat biscotti instead of sugar free biscuits and DH will get his DW back instead of the seething mass of anxiety I currently am!

Hadn't considered the jealousy angle tho, good point - maybe she's unhappy with the constant pressure to be Mother Of The Year?

Ignore your "friend", she sounds incredibly insecure and perhaps regrets giving up her own job/career. But hey all that matters is that your DH supports you in your decision.

Can I eat biscotti? It must be a DH thing because my DH loves the megablock castle more than DD.

sounds a good deal for all,ditch the friend

oh and i wish i could get somebody to have my dcs for 1 night never mind 3,dont feel guilty you want your PHD to benefit all your family in one way or another,good for you for reaching your goal,

you go girl

Thank you all for reaffirming our decision :) And yes one more comment and friend is gone!

Yes MrsTP - you can hav the biscotti (Heinz ones not lovely coffee shop ones...) - DS adores them unlike the Goodies no sugar ones!!

YANBU - writing in a big chunk for your PhD will let you get so much more done. You'll feel better for it, especially if you have surgery in March. Knowing it's under your belt will help a lot. It's not easy writing in dribs and drabs, can be done of course, but why make it more difficult if your DH has suggested it? He sounds great and I also agree your friend sounds insecure.

DH has slightly ulterior motive - he wants to retire at 55 (has ok Mental Health Oficer status in nursing) and can't do that unless I finish PhD and have jumped up the career ladder...!

But yes he's great. DS will have a fab time with him and then with my family - family were staying up north this weekend to have DS in a cottage nearby, went wrong as they had to head back after 15 hours (instead of 3 days) because of snow - hence new plan!

Family all 300 miles away so having them come stay was so looked forward to - first time we'd have had a night without DS (who is amazing but still wakes 2-3 times / night) - raising baby with no family near is tricky!

YANBU - get your thesis written - I have been through the process myself and it is hard enough without a spouse and kids !! Good luck !

Your friend is a jealous idiot (as am I, come to think of it!), your husband is wonderful and you sound lovely. I hope you have a really productive week and good luck with the surgery too.

Of course it's not 'indulgent', you're going to be working (on your PhD which is for your career progression and benefits the whole family) not disappearing off on a luxury holiday for a week!

Your friend's comments are incredibly rude, especially as this is not a one-off but part of a pattern of criticising you for doing anything at all in life other than serving the domestic needs of your DH/DS . She doesn't sound much of a friend.

Ah thanks! Hoping colposcopy will not show anything too major and just going through some other tests at mo so fingers crossed surgery will just be another excision of endometriosis and adhesions (I have recovery down to 11days now...after 7 of them!)

Think friend struggles with fact that I don't weep and wail at having leave 'poor' DS to go to work - DH loves just working a few nights and getting time with him, I value my time with DS more than I would if I was there 24/7 - works for us! And we're v lily to be able to work it like we do (saves a fortune on nursery fees).

I am also doing a PhD. I would take this opportunity in less than a second's consderation. Your friend is a knobbly knobboid with no concept of how stressful PhD + Toddler is. PS If you are ever fed up of your husband I will send an SAE for him to be posted here, ok?