Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want to spend Mother's day with my own family unit?

72 replies

CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 12:07

DH has told me that SIL would like to book a meal for MIL,FIL, Granparents and our family this year for Mother's day. She needs to know as soon as possible if we want to do this so she can book a table.
I can't decide what to do. Have had a few 'issues' over the past couple of years, mostly with MIL. As a result I don't feel as close to the in-laws as I once did. In previous years DH has visited his mum and Grandma on Mother's day for an hour or so but this year SIL has moved back to her hometown and is pushing for a big family meal. It'll cost us a fortune (although being honest that isn't my main reason for being reluctant to go) as we have a big family and I wouldn't dream of letting MIL/Grandparents pay.
Aside from the fact that my own DM may feel a little bit :( about getting a card, hours visit and gift while MIL gets treated to a meal out, I'd much rather spend Mother's day having a meal with my DH and our children.
I am sometimes a bit U when it comes to the in laws so am asking MNetters how you spend Mother's day and whether you see it as your day to enjoy with your DC or do you consider it to be Mothers day, a day to celebrate all mothers?

OP posts:

PopcornBiscuit · 04/02/2012 14:10

Just say you can't make it, and if necessary make a booking for your own family somewhere else so they can't complain that you were "only staying at home" instead. Then make every effort to see your Mum and MIL at some other time soon.

fiftyval · 04/02/2012 14:16

It is Mothers Day , not Grandmothers Day. The op should get to spend the day with her children how she wishes. If that includes taking her children with her to see her mother in turn then fine. If her DH wants to see his mother then fine too but he doesn't get to drag everyone else along just because his mother is stamping her feet. He is the MIL's child , not the grandchildren and certainly not the OP.

RoxyRobin · 04/02/2012 14:17

Agree with BackforGood - Mother's Day restaurant experience is appalling.

ArtexMonkey · 04/02/2012 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackeyedsusan · 04/02/2012 14:22

I spend the day with my children. the motherrs then get equal treatment of card and present and it is a lot more diplomatic. we have done that since dd was born. I did have to have a bit of a hissy fit i think and point out that dh's main priorrity should be the mother of his children, but that was probably because he had not realised that I was now a mother too. (small screaming/giggling/occasionally smelly person in the house should have given the game away, but no. )

RabidEchidna · 04/02/2012 14:26

Let your DH go and have a meal with his mother and you stay home with your children as you are their^ mother.

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 14:29

I did have to have a bit of a hissy fit i think and point out that dh's main priorrity should be the mother of his children, but that was probably because he had not realised that I was now a mother too

Errr, but you are not HIS mother though?

There is plenty of time for your kids to spoil you on mothers day in years to come... I can never understand the wives who seem to forget that their husband may want to see their own MUM on mothers day too.

blackeyedsusan · 04/02/2012 14:35

no squeaky, but small squaking babies can't organise much. there probably would not have been a hissy fit if he had acknowledged that i was a mother too, and might actually like to spend the day with dd celebrating ou first mothers day rather than being dragged along to a restaurant where he promtly ignores the children./me whilst he talks to his family. ok on his/pils birthday but one mother should not be ignored at the expense of 2 others in the family.

EightiesChick · 04/02/2012 15:10

Sorry cornsilk I misread your post about the OP keeping the DCs with her.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 15:23

You've been invited out for lunch on a day when you have nothing planned.

You've had some issues with MIL, but this will be a big family get-together fir your DH's family. He'll enjoy it, the children will enjoy it, even you might enjoy it.

I don't do Mother's Day, but I just don't see what the conundrum is. Nobody's done anything wrong here - just invited you all out.

If having lunch with family doesn't appeal to any of you, you can always decline.

Letchladee · 04/02/2012 15:23

I think this could possibly be another case of clashing cultures.

When I was a child, mothers day was spent celebrating my mother. Grandparents received a card, and presents as a thank you / appreciation but it was always seen that they had done their parenting so whilst they had their thanks, they didn't get the day of treats/rest/break as they weren't actively parenting any more. Therefore, Mothering Sunday was always spent with just out nuclear family enjoying time together (often a day out) with tokens sent over to the grandparents the day before. Now that I'm the mother, we do the same. I take presents/ cards/ flowers to my mother the day before (saturday) but the sunday I usually have breakfast in bed, before we all go off out for the day.

However, I know that in other families mothering sunday was spent visiting the grandparents. So in this case - it is the grandparents who get spoilt and in a sense, the mother waits until she becomes a grandparent for the treat.

So it would be interesting to know what your DH did as a child. If you fell into the first category and his family fell into the second, then you can easily see where the clash of culture comes from. If however, his mother did the first then I fear she is being a bit hypocritical.

PopcornBiscuit · 04/02/2012 15:26

If it was you with this problem rather than your DH then where would it end? Your DCs want to spend the time with you, but you feel you should honour your own mother and go to hers, but she wants to visit her own mother, who wants to visit hers....!

JustHecate · 04/02/2012 15:27

I don't do anything at all. I just ignore it. The history of mothering sunday is about working people (eg maids etc) having very few days off to go back home to be with their families, isn't it? But now it's just commercial rubbish. (like valentines day - don't get me started )

Do something spontaneous with loved ones on any one of the 365 days of the year to show them you care, is my view!

So go to the meal if it means no hassle, and have a nice day out with your family one day and take your mum out one day and don't buy into the it's X specific date so I must show I care rubbish. Go spoil your mum just because...

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 04/02/2012 15:30

IMO, the mother who has children that are still children should do what she wants on Mothers day.

You should be priority to your dh, because you are Mother to his children.

How would he like it if you focused Fathers day around your DF?

If the family all gets in well, then it would be lovely to all be together, but if not, your wishes should come first. And if you do all go out for Mother day and do whya your sil wants, then you are of equal importance as your mil.

PopcornBiscuit · 04/02/2012 16:33

"The history of mothering sunday is about working people (eg maids etc) having very few days off to go back home to be with their families, isn't it?"

Yes, partly. It was considered to be important for people to return to their home or "mother" church, once a year. This then led to the tradition of children, particular if working as domestic servants/apprentices, being given the day off to visit their mother and family.

EightiesChick · 04/02/2012 16:48

I think the 'mother church' story is now regarded sceptically and is a red herring, isn't it? I need to go and check references. I did get told this myself as a child.

CaroleService · 04/02/2012 17:08

Personally, I'd love it if DH took the dc of to his family for a meal so I could stay home alone and enjoy the peace and quiet.

DoingTheBestICan · 04/02/2012 18:17

I would spend the day at home with your own dc,my first mother's day was spent cooking a huge Sunday roast for everyone as mil wanted me to cook for her.since then I have worked every one,I say do what you want to do.

GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2012 18:45

You are a mother so it is just as much your day as anyone else's so you get to choose how you spend it.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 04/02/2012 18:52

I find it a bit annoying that when I'd like to enjoy adulation from my children, and appreciate their little gifts and cards, I end up having to think about getting them to do a card for Granny, and various friends who don't have kids and are honourary Aunties.
I know I'm probably a bit selfish.

But IMHO Mother's Day has got too big (and commercial) and has ended up a bit of a mess where no-one's really happy.
A bit like Valentine's Day - probably does more harm than good !

hathorinareddress · 04/02/2012 18:59

I spent many years when I used to be married going to dinner with my in-laws who hated my guts because it was mother's day and it was what my ex's mother and family wanted.

I hated it and it was one of many many resentments.

Eventually I threw a hissy fit said it was my mother's day too and I wasn't going.

My advice would be not to start this, because once it's starts it's a tradition and it'll be 10 times harder to stop next year.

doblet · 04/02/2012 19:07

I was going to say you are BU until I read Letchladees post.
1 meal though is not going to automatically become a tradition. See your mum the day before, explain SIL has made a big deal of it - surely your mum will understand that you have other family too?
Then make it clear to your DH that as you are the one doing all the hard work mothering of small children then next year he will have to make an effort to make it a special day for you

Original poster

CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 19:24

Letchladee Mother's day for both DH and I was all about our Mothers in our childhood. DH cannot recall ever going to visit his Grandma on Mother's day and only began to buy her a card once he'd left home (probably due to all the Grandma/nanna cards jumping out at him in the shops)
As you probably guessed already spending a few hours with the in-laws rather than with my DC on Mother's day isn't my idea of a good time. I really like Mother's day. My DC make me a card each(even the teenagers who generally only make a mess the rest of the year) and it's a big deal to our DC who every year choose to spend time with me instead of their pals.
Turns out SIL only wants to book the meal if we are going too because if the DC aren't there then 'there's no point doing it'. To be honest that statement in itself makes me want to say no, which is what I think I'll be saying. Think we'll stick to what we have done in the past and DH can take the DC for a quick visit before we call to see my mum and then home for a lovely dinner with my family.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 04/02/2012 19:37

The only one year that we had both mums in the same country we went out all together and it was lovely.

If i could i would do that every year but from reading the responses i guess i am -once again - bizarre.

bahookie · 04/02/2012 20:14

why don't you ask your SIL to arrange a meal out for all the family on the saturday or on another weekend. unless you really don't want to go out for a meal with them all? that way you can spend the day with your own dc - and do the visit to your mum and dh's mum?

i tend to get breakfast in bed as a treat - then we all go to to MILs (housebound, doesn't keep well grumpy) 100 miles away. so i still get to spend the day with dc and dp. My mum died when i was 12 so we don't have the treat the mums as equal issue.

Flip

1 2 3