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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 11:25

Good for you sm. We are in different positions. By the time I had paid childcare I would be worse off if I worked outside the home (not entirely sure if, in that case, I am even capable of being considered as working by your standards).
I also get plenty of intellectual stimulation from interacting with/teaching my kids. My dd, for example, is now in part-time reception a year early and can read at a level 4 years or so above her age. I doubt I would have had the time to put into teaching her stuff like that if I had been getting home from work in time to do the bedtime routine and put her to bed. And I doubt a cm with 5 or so other kids could give each one that time. Maybe a nanny - but I can't afford one.
I also enjoy being with my kids all the time but at the same time I can see why some would find spending 24/7 with kids hellish and that others are desperate to be at home but can't afford it/don't want to risk their career by taking time out. So everyone does what is best for them.

Molehillmountain · 05/02/2012 11:27

Fair enough-sorry to sound petty. Not the main point.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 11:31

Just out of interest, why are you concerned to fast track your daughter to be starting school early, and achieving so well academically? Are you ambitious for her to, erm, achieve well and aspire to an interesting and successful educational experience which will lead to an interesting career? Oh the irony Grin

Seriously though, bright parents tend to have bright children. There's also a well documented link between having parents with good careers, and successful outcomes for the children.

So, lovely for you that your dd is so clever, but there are thousands of children with working mums and dads who are just the same. You don't have to give up work to achieve that (though I appreciate that in your case, If your earning power isn't that high then you can't afford good quality childcare anyway)

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 11:33

But callmears equally comments about the need to teach kids that they need to works and sahm's who have nothing to do all day but meet for coffee and paint their nails is insulting. I think a lot of people are quick to take offence but unable to see their own comments from the other side.

Of course people raise their kids even if they work but the fact is that they then have to pay (or have a willing parent etc) for their kids to be looked after while they work. However when a mum does that themselves they are considered to be doing nothing by some, or hanging around waitong for the salon to open (depending on whether they are a 'benefit scrounger' or kept wife obviously).

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 11:36

x-post.
I'm not keen to fast-track her. I just go with what her interests are. I was just making the point that I only have the time to do those things with her because I'm a sahm. And it can actually be quite stimulating for me rather than just endless cbeebies which is the image some like to paint.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 11:39

I have never suggested that a SAHP Of pre school kids is doing 'nothing'. I experienced it while on maternity leaves, and I also worked 3 days a week only until my kids started reception and it's certainly not 'doing nothing'. My post was actually just pointing out that having a bright child who is ahead of their peers at age 4/5 is usually a lot more to do with having bright parents raising them rather than with whether the parents are employed or not.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 11:42

Well I'm not hugely bright. I think it's a combination of how they are naturally and the time you put in but that's just my opinion.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 11:42

Ah right I see. Your earlier post made it sound like you were trying to fast track her.

Completely agree about finding being with ones children stimulating and fun. Apart from the very early newborn weeks which frankly are a bit of a round of feeding and nappy changing, I've adored every moment with mine. I think the vast majority of parents feel the same. I'm sure your dh does. It's got nothing to do with working or not working .

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 11:46

My 12 year old was reading Hilary mantel at ten. My seven year old reads everything in sight.

I think what annoys me is the sorry to say it but slightly smug view from some sahm that their parenting input is better in some way. I manage to work full time, study, train at the gym five times a week, almost have a social life, DH does the same, and somehow give my children enough input to keep them well balanced and be academically advanced. I just don't need to be here all the time to do it. I need to be here ENOUGH.

All these things still get done you know.

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 11:47

Oh and agree re naturally bright affecting it too! Not claiming for a minute it's all me and DH.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 11:50

Hear hear Rhonda.

There Is good parenting and poor parenting. It's an entirely separate issue from working or not working. I don't claim that my children are bright or successful because I work! Why would I make that claim if I didn't work?!

If you want to stay at home and your partner thinks its a good idea too then great, no problem. But to start trying to claim that it in some way makes your child superior is frankly bizarre

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 12:10

Yes, please don't let this descend into a debate about which kids do better at school. As callmemrs has said, bright parents tend to have bright children, and the children of interested parents who care about education will tend to have better outcomes than kids whose parents couldn't give a toss - whether they work or not!

For the record, it would be perfectly possible to hothouse a pre-school child while working FT, if somewhat more challenging than doing it as a SAHP. Whether the hothousing approach would be beneficial for the child is a different matter entirely.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 12:11

I don' think sahp is necessarily best but a good adult/child ratio is better imo. This could be from a nanny or grandparent.
I'm not claiming my child is superior (if that was aimed at me). Just that the more time the caregivers (whoever they is) are able to put in - the better it is for the child. I'm sure this is something most people consider when deciding whether or not to stay home (of they are in the fortunate position that they have a choice).

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 05/02/2012 12:13

this is a lovely thread where everyone has debated points in a civilised and interesting manner :)

It is not a thread where people have tried to suggest one way of parenting is more valid than another, nor judge anyone elses life choices

I like this thread.........

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 12:13

I agree that a good adult to child ratio is important, but I'd have fired my nanny if she had spent the day trying to hothouse my daughter!

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 12:14

HoneyandHaycorns Is being glad that you have the time to listen to a child who enjoys reading read 'hothousing' in your opinion then? Would it be better if I said 'no' and took her books away? Hmm

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 12:19

I imagine most parents share your views about a good adult/child ratio secretmince

I think that's the only thing that I find slightly bizarre about this otherwise very interesting thread- that a couple of times, SAHPS have posted things which are not really up for debate

  • eg 'no one else can raise their kids as well as I can' : Tick. I think youll find all working and non working parents feel the same Also- 'a good adult / child ratio' is best for children . Tick. Agreed also. (incidentally as a by the by, you can have a larger number of children per adult carer ratio in your own private family situation than you would ever be allowed in a regulated childcare set up)
HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 12:22

No of course not. I also have a dd who is an advanced reader, who was crazy about books from an early age. We thoroughly enjoyed reading to her, listening to her read and talking about what we had read. In fact, I still do read to her even though she has been reading fluently for several years.

But IMO that's different from saying that I don't have to go to work so I can put in lots of time to teach her, and she will end up being way ahead of her classmates - and if you read back your earlier post, that's very much how it comes across.

Surely all good parents listen to their kids read? Confused

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 12:24

Well since the thread is about it not being correct to say you earn someone elses salary then stating the obvious is allowed!

I completely agree with you - if I had a lot of kids I'm sure they would thrive equally well with a cm (though it would cost a lot). As it is I have 2 and dh tends to work 4-12 so they have both of us for most of the day. This enables us to hothouse (new definition - encourage child-led interests) them both easiliy.

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 12:27

I'm a SAHM and I don't recognise my life from how other people describe it. My DH doesn't work long hours or earn lots of money to fund our "lifestyle" - we don't have a lifestyle, we have the bare necessities (just about!). He works 8-4 Monday to Friday and is home every day by 5. He never works weekends and very rarely has to travel with work. I don't sing "The Wheels on the Bus" at all - I'm not a children's entertainer. I play with DS periodically throughout the day but I also expect him to play on his own while I do other jobs or chat to other mums at playgroups. In terms of intellectual stimulation, I'm writing a book, which has been a long-held dream of mine. But apart from that I find looking after DS quite intellectually stimulating, as I used to be a developmental psychologist and then a primary teacher so for me watching a child grow and learn before my eyes is really fascinating. There is no guilt involved with DH - he sees DS every evening for 2 and a half hours before he goes to bed and spends all weekend with him (often while I go off for a while to do something with friends/on my own). I'm not bored, or depressed or lacking in ambition. I'm doing what I want to do in life, which I realise makes me a very very lucky person.

There seems to be a need to justify being a SAHM or WOHM. Why justify it at all? Either option can work out perfectly fine. There's no need to make sweeping statements about either one.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 12:27

Well I think you'll find working parents also encourage child-led interests very successfully too secretmince!
It's really not got anything to do with being employed or unemployed!

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 12:28

Well that's absolutely not what I mean. There are a lot of areas dd isn't interested in and that's fine. Incidentally I was slammed on a recent thread for not forcing her to learn to ride her bike Hmm.
But she loves reading and I don't have time to listen to her as much as she would like as it is just with day to day stuff so I think it would be weekends only if I had a full time job (assuming I didn't work weekends).

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 12:29

Oh and to clarify I don't SAH for the good of DS. I'm sure he'd be perfectly fine with a nice CM or at a nice nursery. I do it for my good. I want to stay at home with him and be with him every day.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 12:31

Me too Cailin and that's a good reason! Though I'm sure your child/children tolerate it Grin

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 12:33

Well DS seems to wipe his snot exclusively on me, which makes me feel special