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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIB unreasonable, hormonally irrational due to pregnancy, simply irrational or reasonable?

31 replies

Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 18:16

Currently pregnant with DC1.

We had decided to mainly keep it secret until 12 weeks, just told a few very close friends. We have these other friends, a gay (women) couple and I only mention their sexuality to explain that they have no DC in case it's relevant to them being a bit insensitive, not because I give two hoots about it.

Anyway, they actually guessed that I was pregnant very early on and outright asked DH about it who can't lie to save his life Grin and he admitted that I was but asked them to keep it to themselves and also to not make any further mention of it until we 'officially' said everything was ok. He told me of course and I spoke to them that same night, thanked them for their congratulations etc and reiterated that it was very early, we hadn't planned on telling anyone and please to not mention it again until we gave the go-ahead in a couple of months as we didn't want to talk about it. Tbh, I was a bit annoyed that they asked DH outright.

Well, thereafter every time I saw them or spoke to them they would ask about it! We again would say it was very early and we didn't want to talk about etc but they wouldn't take the hint and nothing improved. I did get quite annoyed, albeit privately.

However since it's been official I have found out that they told at least one other mutual friend BEFORE we announced it.

So am I being unreasonable to be pretty annoyed about this? We didn't tell them - they guessed and were rude enough to ask about it. And then they ignored our wishes and kept mentioning and told at least one other person. They're good friends but this has really affected my view of them.

AIBU, hormonal or am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/02/2012 18:21

YANBU, it's not their news to announce, plus there's the added pressure that if anything had gone amiss they would have caused you extra stress knowing other people knew.

It's such a private decision to make, it wouldn't bother me them asking your DH about it, but to discuss it with someone else you know smacks of them being gossip mongers.

Original poster
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 18:24

Sorry, I meant to add, I would actually like to say to them that I'm aware they told Friend X and I'm rather disappointed that they did that. DH thinks I should leave it (although he is v annoyed too) but this is going to bug me and I'd rather be honest about how I feel than seethe inwardly and not want to see them.

So should I say something or just leave it?

OP posts:
RachelWalsh · 03/02/2012 18:25

Why would the fact they are a gay couple automatically equal no dc? Don't understand that. Would have just described them as a couple who have no children, their sexuality is irrelevant.

As to whether YABU to be annoyed, I don't think ou are but I also think its done now so there is no point wasting emotional energy on it.

eurochick · 03/02/2012 18:26

I think personally I would say something about being disappointed about being not being able to be the ones to share your news with the other friends. News that you are starting a family is something you only have the chance to impart once in a lifetime!

Original poster
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 18:27

Why would the fact they are a gay couple automatically equal no dc?

Er...it doesn't! They just don't happen to have any!

OP posts:
RachelWalsh · 03/02/2012 18:29

"I only mention their sexuality in order to explain they have no dc"

How does it explain that?

MosEisley · 03/02/2012 18:30

What Rachel said.

A friend of ours announced our DC birth by email to a large group of mutual friends. It was annoying.

runningwilde · 03/02/2012 18:30

I would be honest and tell them you are annoyed, why not? You have every right to be. You may want to put a bit of distance between you two and them too.

Original poster
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 18:33

Oh FFS, it explains that they are both women (might therefore be more sensitive about pregnancy) but don't have children themselves (might therefore be a bit less sensitive about pregnancy).

OP posts:
Sandalwood · 03/02/2012 18:40

How did they guess?
Might friend x have guessed too? And said something to them like "I think Rhinestone's pregnant"

NeedlesCuties · 03/02/2012 18:40

I think YABabitU

Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way, that is lovely.

I do think (and I'm prepared to be flamed for this) that you're being a bit precious about it....

Yes it is your news to tell and yes you wanted to wait until 12 weeks, as many people do.

But really in the grand scheme of things is it really a faux pas for a close friend to ask another about a pregnancy?

Also, they told 1 other person - they didn't ring your parents and put it as a FB status.

With my first pregnancy I was a bit like that, now I'm pregnant with DC2 I'm much more laid about about not trying to control every detail.

Original poster
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 18:47

Sandalwood They guessed purely because I wasn't drinking one night although I wouldn't have been anyway as was driving! So they guessed right but not for the right reasons iyswim!

And no re other friend, I didn't see her the first few months anyway as she was working away.

It's not so much that they asked us - I wouldn't ask someone but I don't really care too much about that. It's that they kept talking about it after we asked them not to and they told someone I wanted to tell myself against our express wishes.

But yes, at least they didn't post it on FB which is why I didn't tell my sister!!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/02/2012 18:47

I don't think it's about control needles, to me it's more about damage limitation.

We told everyone about DD1 just because we didn't know any better, but after two MCs I know what it feels like to have other people know and how much pain that can cause.

It comes down to why they told the friend.

It wasn't something they had to do, it wasn't their 'news', they knew the OP had said not to.

It's not huge in the scheme of things, but as you said with your first baby everything is huge and important.

It's private and they overstepped the line.

AThingInYourLife · 03/02/2012 18:53

Does it really matter that much?

They told one person.

Secrets get out, people are nosy and gossip and pregnancy is exciting news.

You weren't remotely affected by what they did, and now it's public anyway.

This is not worth falling out with good friends over.

benne81 · 03/02/2012 18:57

YABU wouldn't it have been weird for them NOT to discuss it with you, when they saw you, once they had guessed. Also they only told one other person (who probably guessed anyway). Not sure what the big deal about a grand annoucement anyway if you had already told family and close friends. TBH although it is massively important news to you it's not really going to stop the press for everyone else. Stop stewing on this and enjoy your pregnancy. X

Original poster
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 19:01

benne81

Did you read my posts?! We specifically asked them NOT to discuss it with us as we said we didn't want to talk about it; we only told a few close friends, NOT family and other friend could not have guessed as was away with work (military) until a few days before we announced it.

And no, we didn't have a 'grand announcement', we merely didn't want to tell everyone until we'd had the 12 week scan in case of problems.

It only matters in that I thought I could trust them implicitly but that feels a bit shaken now, plus I wouldn't DREAM of telling someone else's secret like this.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 03/02/2012 19:02

It wasn't rude for them to ask. You are being precious about that.

I don't think they are really out of order, it's just one person. It's not ideal that they told someone given your feelings on the matter, but it's not the end of the world, is it? I think your DH has a better perspective on it and it should be left. Really, what can you achieve from making this into a bigger issue?

benne81 · 03/02/2012 19:16

I still think your over thinking this far too much they guessed & yes you asked them not to mention it again but realistically it would be impolite in my view not to say a quick 'hope everythings going ok' even if told not to mention it. I completely understand wanting to keep it secret in the early days (particulary as we had a very upsetting 12 week scan) but in the grand scheme of things they told one person, yes your disappointed, but it's not worth getting massively upset over (IMO) just enjoy your pregnancy and spending time with friends. I now have a 4month DS and it's bloody difficult to get out and with the girls/boys/people without babies!

MrsMagnolia · 03/02/2012 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

benne81 · 03/02/2012 19:21

Also if they told someone who was away/ abroad that's the best person to tell because they have much less of an opportunity to tell other people. TBH if I'm going to divulge a secret it's always to my friend in Australia because she is so out of the loop anyway. I'm sure they really didn't think they were
e doing anything that bad - and IMO they weren't really either.

Original poster
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 19:23

your comments about their sexuality are very dodgy

How dare you. These people are my friends, how dare you insinuate that I'm being homophobic.

Of course I'm well aware that they could have had children if they wanted to, and yes their sexuality is irrelevant. I only mentioned it because they're a couple, they're both women and they don't as it happens have any children - both of which may be relevant.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/02/2012 19:24

Yabu - don't sweat the smalls.

helenthemadex · 03/02/2012 19:26

YANBU it was your news to tell not theirs especially after you asked them to not talk about it several times

helenthemadex · 03/02/2012 19:27

oops posted to soon fwiw I would say something to them about it, better out in the open than festering

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2012 19:29

FFS YANBU. They shouldn't have told anyone if they were asked not to. However, one of my friends drunkenly told an entire party of people at her house that I was pregnant before I had told my mother!!! I let it go because she is great if a total numpty with secrets. This stuff is important and, although it will all seem completely irrelevant in a year, it was silly of them.