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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think sharing our bed with baby on the odd occassion is ok?

32 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 03/02/2012 12:32

I don't co-sleep and this is not a post to argue for or against - each to their own.

But on the odd occassion we have brought baby into our bed. Morning feeds/when ill/when won't sleep and it's a last ditch attempt at any of us getting any sleep at all! Usually between 1 - 3 hours at a time.

I don't want to get baby used to being in our bed and wondered if doing it the odd time will do any harm? Do babies get used to being between parents and crave it?

There doesn't seem to be a pattern of wanting this forming, but I'd like to know if it's ok to do every now and then without baby wanting it all the time?

OP posts:

Gigondas · 03/02/2012 12:35

IMe yes- did this with dd1 and she's fine
In her own bed as likes it and always wants to go back even if sneaked in for cuddle (she is 3.5).

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 03/02/2012 12:37

So you don't want it to turn into a co-sleeping argument but you're wondering if bringing baby into your bed will 'harm' it?

FreudianSlipper · 03/02/2012 12:39

as long as you are co sleeping in a safe way, your baby is not getting too hot and so on then it is fine if you are all fine with it

Original poster

Newmummytobe79 · 03/02/2012 12:41

Thanks Gigondas :)

ATruth - of course I don't want an arguement! Just have visions of a hulking big 16 year old cuddled up between me and DH (joke!) I'm just asking as I don't want to confuse DC. You either co-sleep or you don't. I'm just wondering if the odd time will cause any issues of DC wanting/needing to co-sleep - that's all :)

OP posts:

babyledweaner · 03/02/2012 12:59

I brought DD1 into the bed occasionally, when she was poorly, when I wanted a bit more sleep etc. maybe once a month. She didn't get overused to it and sleeps happily in her cot. I co-sleep properly with DD2, and on balance wish I'd done so more with DD1. Just make sure you read safe sleep guidelines and enjoy the extra rest.

Backinthebox · 03/02/2012 13:25

I think you are a bit confused, OP.

"You either co-sleep or you don't"

Well, if your baby is in bed with you, sleeping, then you're co-sleeping! By saying you don't want a co-sleeping argument and then asking if sleeping just a little bit with your baby but not enough so that you would describe yourself as a co-sleeper (but enough that other people would/could) you are basically kicking off a big co-sleeping debate. Why even bother trying to pretend that you aren't co-sleeping and don't want an argument about it?

Anyway, to be helpful: How old is your baby? You are of course aware that your baby spends it's entire first 9 months of existence cuddled up inside you with the warmth and sounds of your body all around it. Why on earth do you think that the whole process of being born is going to take away a desire to be close enough to you that they can still feel your warmth and hear you? It's all your baby has ever known - of course they crave it. And to 'give in' to it, as you have found, does make everyone's life a lot easier and you all get a lot more sleep. As your baby gets bigger and older (and I'm talking a timescale of months/years here) they will learn to sleep alone without craving their mother's presence there all the time. By their first birthdays both of mine were in their own cots and sleeping most of the night alone. Right now, I am usually woken by a 4 year old creeping into my bed at about 6am, or an 18 month old crying for me to go and get him from his cot. But both of them sleep in their own rooms from 7.30pm till then. No prospect of any teenagers in my bed here!

Here's the thing that WILL harm your baby: If you don't read up on the co-sleeping rules (because you don't co-sleep, eh?) you are putting your baby's life at risk. If you bring your baby into bed, just for a few hours occasionally - not to co-sleep of course, and you don't know about the dangers of pillows and duvets and soft mattresses and smoking and alcohol, then yes, you could harm your baby, a lot more than you imagine. Do yourself and your baby a favour and have a look at the rules for co-sleeping. Don't worry about them 'craving' it when they are tiny and refusing to leave when they are older, and try to get rid of the judgey pants!

Original poster

Newmummytobe79 · 03/02/2012 13:41

Are you sure I'm the one wanting the argument Backinthebox?

Just wanted a bit of friendly advice.

Obviously confused this was the place to find it.

Not judging anyone - not bothered what anyone else does with their kids, as I said at the begining - each to their own.

Sorry I asked!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/02/2012 13:44

Different babies will respond differently though. I expect it is nice and warm snuggled up between you and yes, it is highly likely that your baby will decide it prefers it there rather than in its own bed!

But there is nothing wrong with that, and you make yourself sound a bit of a fool suggesting that s/he will still be there at 16.

And backinthebox is right. If your baby is in your bed, then you are co-sleeping. So make sure that you do it safely.

DexterTheCat · 03/02/2012 13:46

I think it probably depends on the child. We co-slept with both DSs. DS1 happily went to sleep in his own bed at 6 months with little issue.

DS2 now aged 7 (!!!) is still known to appear in the middle of the night and has been known to refer to mine and DPs bed as 'our' ( ie including him!!) bed.

speculationisrife · 03/02/2012 13:47

Newmummy We did the same as you, and I had similar concerns. It's been fine - dd enjoyed it as an occasional thing, and now loves to come in around 6-6.30 for a cuddle (she's 2.10). She still occasionally sleeps with me if DH isn't there. I used to find it hard to sleep, when she was younger and more wriggly, but now really enjoy cudding up with her. But yes, you should take the same precautions as if you were regularly co-sleeping (as I'm sure you do).

TimothyClaypoleLover · 03/02/2012 13:53

Newmummy - DD was about 18 months when she decided she didn't like her cot anymore so to get a good nights sleep (both working parents) she slept with me most nights for about 2 months. I then found it difficult to get her to sleep back in her own room but not impossible and now she sleeps fine on her own. Obviously for the odd occasion she is ill she sleeps with me and then is back in her bed again there is no problem. I think that when she slept with me every night it became habit for her.

So, to answer your question, no it does not harm them (although obviously if they are small babies there are rules as to how to co-sleep safely). IME DD only craved our bed when she was in our bed more than her own.

LookMaOneHand · 03/02/2012 13:58

Newmummy there is nothing in your OP or subsequent posts that reads as if you're looking for an argument. It's awful that there are some subjects that you can't ask a genuine question about without people jumping down your throat and making assumptions about where you're coming from.

2 year old dd is still in her cot but has a double bed in her room too (we rent, it came with the place and we've nowhere else to put it). If she's snuffly, or if I worked late and feel I haven't been with her enough, or if dh is snoring or if I just plain feel like a snuggle, I occassionally go into her room and bring her into the double bed to sleep there with me for the night.

She seems happy to find herself there with me in the mornings :) but it's never made her harder to settle or resistant to the cot.

woahthere · 03/02/2012 13:59

It depends. Are you breastfeeding or formula feeding. If you are formula feeding then co - sleeping is not safe.

LookMaOneHand · 03/02/2012 13:59

Should say, she's 2 now but she was in our room until she was a year old, sometimes in the cot and sometimes in the bed, and I've been doing the above occassionally since she moved into her room.

MrsBradleyCooper · 03/02/2012 14:00

How old is your baby?

WowOoo · 03/02/2012 14:02

I think it's fine and I quite like it actually. Ds2, who is 2 and a half is like a little hot water bottle and has been in and out since birth.

I do hope he'll grow out of it like ds1 did because they both tended to hog the bed more, the older they got just like their annoying father.

coraltoes · 03/02/2012 14:07

Why unsafe on formula?

Op you at no stage sound like yu are after an argument. I was totally like you, and still am. On bad teething nights I sometime give up and bring dd to my bed around 4 am, and then worry if she will want the same the following night. Amazing how defensive people get on her.

woahthere · 03/02/2012 14:12

coraltoes Its because if you formula feed and are not breastfeeding, you dont have the hormones that keep you alert to the baby in the night. Also, formula is heavier and can tend to make babies sleep more deeply and so they are not as alert to you either.

grubbalo · 03/02/2012 14:14

They're not entirely sure Coral, but there's evidence to suggest breastfed babies are at far less risk when cosleeping than formula fed babies. Could be to do with the position they are lying in, how deeply they sleep etc.

Fox news (of all people!) had a v interesting report but the video link seems to be broken these days.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 03/02/2012 14:29

I don't normally come on MN 'looking for a fight' but I was genuinely shocked by the op's comment that she didn't want an argument, then the suggestion that co-sleeping occasionally could 'harm' her child.

FWIW OP, DS usually starts the night in his cott & ends up in our bed. He can sleep in either but tends to sleep for longer if he's curled up next to me. I certainly don't think it's harming him and waking up next to his smiley face is the highlight of my day. As others have said, if you don't do it regularly then check the guidelines on doing it safely. For us, that means DS on the outside of the bed so he's not next to deep sleeping DP and means he wears his gro-bag & I wear a jumper so I don't need the duvet over me.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 03/02/2012 14:38

I don't think OP meant that co-sleeping would 'do' any actual harm. Rather I think OP meant 'harm' as in sleeping habits, routines etc - but I might have read that completely wrong!

reddevil1 · 03/02/2012 14:41

i,m going to be really honest here and say a while ago now i had my dd in bed between me and my partner and i was dreaming has i was coming round from my sleep i felt my head gerk back then go in to my daughters still horrified now she wasent a baby but you dont no what you would do in your sleep i wouldent do it

LookMaOneHand · 03/02/2012 14:43

Timothy I don't think you read anything wrong. It was very obvious that was what she meant, and to eliminate any doubt she made it clear in the very first sentence of the OP that she wasn't talking about whether co-sleeping itself is a good thing or a bad thing.

The attitude she got in response was totally uncalled for.

pleasethanks · 03/02/2012 14:44

I read it the same as Timothy and think some posters are totally overacting. What a surprise.

reddevil1 · 03/02/2012 14:48

slightly though is this thread about bringing the baby for a feed then putting it back to bed or sleeping with baby between partner

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