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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People that always turn the conversation round to being about themselves. Just me that gets peed off with it?

78 replies

Toocoldtoday · 03/02/2012 09:33

I am getting seriously fed up with a mate of mine. We both have DC at the same school and most mornings end up walking some of the way to school together and see each other at pick up too, and see each other for coffee outside of school. I do like her and she's a nice person but has an irritating habit of turning the conversation round to being about herself.

If for example I say my 3 year old isn't feeling too well, she will say her 3 year old isn't either or start telling me about a time when he was ill before, even if I've heard about it previously. She never just says "Oh I hope he soon feels better, is he ok?" Or if I start to say anything about me or what I've done or what I'm doing that day, she will just cut me off and say what she is doing that day. She also gets quite competitive about the children and thinks I want to hear endless stories about her DC, stories which, whilst they might be cute and nice when told to grandparents, get irritating when you hear story after story over and over again. If I steer the convo round to anything other than children, such as the weather or a new shop in town or something, she will still turn it round to being about her and her children.

I end up staying quiet on the school run most of the time now and if we meet up as it's hard to get a word in and if I say anything she doesn't really listen. I know it's not me being boring or trying to dominate a conversation as I have plenty of other friends with whom I have pleasant two way conversations and we both listen to each other.

OP posts:

Dozer · 03/02/2012 10:57

Can't abide people like this, reciprocity and sharing of air-time is important in friendships, even casual or shallow ones. Have reduced contact or even let friendships go with self-absorbed people.

Is harder when it's family members though!

YusMilady · 03/02/2012 10:59

I don't think conversation skills can be taught, after a certain age. You either have social graces or you haven't. The world is full of people who just bang on about themselves constantly while their interlocuters seethe. Probably best to limit the time you spend with them and seek out friends who know how to keep the ball in the air, conversationally.

MamaMaiasaura · 03/02/2012 11:02

I'm guilty of this ( on here too )

anothermadamebutterfly · 03/02/2012 11:02

I don't really get your example - so you say something along the lines of your DC is ill and the other person says something along the lines of, 'oh, mine was ill yesterday too', instead of following your prescribed 'hope s/he feels better soon'. This seems to be like a pretty normal sort of progression into a conversation, sharing experiences, showing empathy, that sort of thing.

I think you must have some other problem with this person, maybe you just find her repetitive, boring or too competitive.

MamaMaiasaura · 03/02/2012 11:05

Tho I know I do it (only about dc really) so I try and stop myself. I can be quite clumsy tho and say the wrong thing, not on purpose at all. A bit like the "don't mention the war sketch" in fawlty towers.

Original poster

Toocoldtoday · 03/02/2012 11:12

That's not empathising though anothermadamebutterfly. She doesn't even acknowledge he's ill or say she hopes he soon feels better. She just turns it round to being about her child and then bangs on for ages about him/herself

OP posts:

tethersend · 03/02/2012 11:13

Enough about me- what do you think about me?

Original poster

Toocoldtoday · 03/02/2012 11:17

Oh and I wasn't prescribing what my friend should say, I was replying to someone else further up the thread that asked what to say in that sort of situation :)

OP posts:

anothermadamebutterfly · 03/02/2012 11:18

OK, point taken, this lady does appear to be obsessed with her own life and not very concerned or interested in yours! But as an opening response in many conversations I find that line pretty normal, often followed by an exchange of how you manage when kids are ill with childcare, whether there are colds/illnesses going round, pleasant chitchat blahblah, and ending with a 'hope your DS feels better soon', and goodbye.

I think I would try to avoid her!

MissBerta · 03/02/2012 11:18

Agree there's LOADS of it on MN!

They'll be a little bit faux sympathising with the OP or other posters because if they don't it'll make them look like insensitive divs, then they launch into 'it's all about MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Damn you! It's ME, you need to hear about, MEEEE!!

Certain posters are fab at it, happens every time.

G1nger · 03/02/2012 11:20

I'm guilty of this, too. But only when I'm trying to make friends (terrible timing, I know). It's the nerves talking as I'm naturally shy and insecure. I keep trying to remember to kick myself to stop it. But not the competitiveness thing and certainly not with eyes closed.

MrsBeakman · 03/02/2012 11:27

That's nothing. I've got a friend who's far worse than your friend. You don't know you're born.

cerys74 · 03/02/2012 11:30

I think I do this too, on MN and in RL. I do consciously try to steer the conversation back to starting point though - having wittered on about my own similar experience for a few minutes (no more than that!) I then deliberately ask the person who started the topic a question. It's often conversationally a bit clunky and people sometimes look startled but then they just start talking and forget about it because let's face it, we all like talking about ourselves a little bit!

As for being worried about asking the wrong question or saying the wrong thing: I sometimes pretend that I've previously made the same mistake (or whatever) when I haven't, then I tell them what I do to 'avoid' making same mistake again. Such as: 'You find it hard to wake up? Yes, I used to have trouble with that too. Set alarm five minutes ahead, really worked for me.' That way hopefully I'm sparing their feelings but also conveying some useful info... I know it sounds like I'm overthinking it a lot a bit but as others have said, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

So in answer to OP (it's not ALL about me)- no, you are not the only person who finds this annoying! Maybe you could try playing her at her own game and refusing to give way in a conversation? Could be fun :)

MrsBeakman · 03/02/2012 11:39

I've wondered in the past if people sometimes reply in the way that they'd like to be replied to, but not everyone likes being replied to in the same way. ie. If i am worried about something, i find it really reassuring to hear of others experiences that may have turned out ok. When i had miscarriages i always loved it when people told me about someone they knew who had them who then went on to have kids. Also i just find it interesting hearing of others experiences generally. More so than people saying "Oh really, that must be tough" etc.

TroublesomeEx · 03/02/2012 11:41

MissBerta - God I think I do that on here!!!

I suppose, in my feeble defence!, it's because I feel there isn't the capacity to empathise adequately and I just want to show the OP that they're not on their own.

Other people are better at the empathising and I'm always amazed at how, even through the use of very similar words, some people on her manage to convey so much more compassion and humanity than others!

cerys74 · 03/02/2012 11:46

I agree with Mrs Beakman - I'd like to hear reassuring tales if I had a problem, so that's what I tend to provide. Maybe people do reply the way they want to be replied to!

FolkGirl - I think the vast majority are grateful to hear that others have had similar experiences and come through them, so telling personal tales does really help IMO! Don't talk yourself down :)

samstown · 03/02/2012 12:06

I know a few people like this but Christ, I used to work with this one woman who was just the absolute worst for it! We all knew everything about her life, from what colour the curtains in her bedroom were, to every last gory detail of her son's mental illness She knew nothing about any of us or our lives.

I thought she was pretty harmless, but on the day when she absolutely tore a strip off another colleague for daring to show some sympathy about her upcoming hysterectomy by daring to compare it with how frightened my colleague felt about her own c-section, I decided that actually this woman was just a self centred cow and steered clear of her after that.

samstown · 03/02/2012 12:07

I havent seen it much on MN actually but on a well known teacher's forum (cough TES!), there used to be one poster who was absolutely terrible for it!

lynniep · 03/02/2012 12:19

I do this. See I'm doing it right now by telling you that I do it. I'm now about to tell you about my specific situation as well LOL.

But seriously, I know that I do it - I'm aware I do it, and I try to actively reign back because I dont want to pss off the person who is talking to me. If you were to ask my why I do it - well its just to converse really. And to spout about myself/my kids, yes - but I think I'm just trying to establish a 'link' between that person - I'm not desperately trying to take over the conversation.
Some people are good listeners, and some are good talkers, but yes, if if theres not some 'give and take' then it can be an issue. Maybe next time you can rudely interrupt her when she does it to you - and say ' - can I just finish what I was saying please?'
She probably genuinely doesnt know what she's doing and it might shock her into thinking before she opens her mouth next time. It might not. But its worth a shot!

aquashiv · 03/02/2012 12:27

Just carry on talking over her getting louder and louder eventually screaming shut the fuck up and listen to me for a change.
My MIL is savage her dog is always bigger than your dog.

There is no story you can tell that she cant beat. Its so rude but like you I just switch off.

samstown · 03/02/2012 12:29

I think there is a difference though. I know one woman who is absolutely lovely and can talk for Britain - as a consequence she does end up talking a lot about herself and her DC. However, she always listens to what other people have to say and will always remember things (eg. if I said my DS was ill one week, she would ask how he was the next). The woman I was referring to in my previous post would never do this!

redrubyshoes · 03/02/2012 12:42

Explain very slowly and carefully the difference between monologue and dialogue.

Or tell her the story about when you were in the SAS and had to rescue the Prime Minister and the US President from a suicide bomber who threatened the safety of the whole of the western world and then that time when you were a pioneering brain surgeon who developed the cranial screw top method for brain surgery............................then ask her to keep it quite but your DC's are actually superheroes are and currently mastering their superhero skills.

SparkyTGD · 03/02/2012 13:13

I think I do this a bit too but not excessively

Try not to but as others have said, think it might be a nervous thing. Do have quite a few good friends so they either put up with it because of my other more nice traits or don't notice (are maybe very similar ).

Think Annie, Mavis, Flying, Mummy, MrsB, Bertie, lynnie & I could all have a very loud conversation where we all go off on different tangents about ourselves

We could start a quiche !

MrsBeakman · 03/02/2012 14:41

I'm in your quiche! :o

reddevil1 · 03/02/2012 14:57

NO IM IN YOUR QUICHE OR GANG

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