People that always turn the conversation round to being about themselves. Just me that gets peed off with it?

[Toocoldtoday]

I am getting seriously fed up with a mate of mine. We both have DC at the same school and most mornings end up walking some of the way to school together and see each other at pick up too, and see each other for coffee outside of school. I do like her and she's a nice person but has an irritating habit of turning the conversation round to being about herself.

If for example I say my 3 year old isn't feeling too well, she will say her 3 year old isn't either or start telling me about a time when he was ill before, even if I've heard about it previously. She never just says "Oh I hope he soon feels better, is he ok?" Or if I start to say anything about me or what I've done or what I'm doing that day, she will just cut me off and say what she is doing that day. She also gets quite competitive about the children and thinks I want to hear endless stories about her DC, stories which, whilst they might be cute and nice when told to grandparents, get irritating when you hear story after story over and over again. If I steer the convo round to anything other than children, such as the weather or a new shop in town or something, she will still turn it round to being about her and her children.

I end up staying quiet on the school run most of the time now and if we meet up as it's hard to get a word in and if I say anything she doesn't really listen. I know it's not me being boring or trying to dominate a conversation as I have plenty of other friends with whom I have pleasant two way conversations and we both listen to each other.

I always feel she goes over and above empathising. I'll say something like "Ds isn't well today" and she'll say "Well mine isn't well either, he's got an earache and he had us up 3 times in the night. At Christmas he had a chest infection, oh it was a nightmare. if you think your DS is ill today you havent a clue what real illness is like if they have a chest infection"

MN is a lot like this. People chip in with stories and often don't address the OP. I'm guilty of it but usually the anecdotes are valid or the discussion has moved on.

I used to be guilty of this when I was younger due to having an ASD and make a conscious effort to empathise and listen, so tend to get unreasonably enraged when the other person doesn't!

Well this is kind of a hard thread to respond to with out being guilty of the same thing but we've just had dhs parents to stay and I was pondering MILs lack of conversational skills last night. I know everything about everything she's ever done (and she hasn't done anything interesting) I've heard all the stories about holidays in the 1950's and what DH did when he was 3 forty bloomin' years ago so many times. She often also does this via FIL eg 'Do you remember' and looks at him whilst talking! Now I just say 'You said' as I might start throwing plates or scream or something. I think FIL has realised how mind numbingly boring it is as he now says 'I think she might have heard this one before'.
She, on the other hand, knows nothing about me - where I've worked, lived, what degree I did. I've known her 8 years and she has never asked me anything!
The funny thing is she's a massive snob, v into doing everything properly and lots of entertaining (she even 'came out' and did 'a season' so considers herself at least as well connected as the Queen) but lacks the key skill of holding conversations and not being boring!

I definitely wouldn't do the "you haven't a clue" thing. I may mention a time when my child had the same thing though. Is it best to just say. "Oh dear, hope he feels better soon" and leave it at that. Doesn't the conversation just stop dead then?

I have a friend like this too. Every conversation we have turns to her, she spends time telling me about her problems, what her mum said, what her sister thinks, how great/horrible her kids are being and yet I can'tget a word in edgeways. When I do and I tell her about how I feel and whats going on in my life its met with a stony silence, she changes the subject back to her and I'm left feeling . Shes crap at listening whereas I'm good at it (prob why I get walked over)

What really pissed me off was when we went out last year, She got drunk and proceeded to rip into me saying I dominated the conversation and I turned everything back to me, I was selfish etc. I was . I dont often talk about me, I just sit and listen to friends wittering on.

Made me paranoid though. I hate talking to people now unless I have too.

My friend will never change, and your friend prob wont either

So my suggestions are

1. Say 'You said' firmly but with a smile
2. Say 'Oh yes, and wander off'
3. Ignore her
4. Talk loudly over her
5. Finish the story for her
6. Say 'You've told me that before'
7. Beat her over the head with a big stick
8. Buy her a copy of some sort of 'Art of Conversation' book and post anonomously.

oops
2) was meant to be say 'Yes' and wander off.

Ive just realized Ive done it to the op It is very annoying though. But I dont think your friend will change,

Is it really bad? I think I probably do this as well. Someone will tell me some story about how they fell out of a bus, or something, and I'll feel compelled to come up with some anecdote about a bus myself because it feels vaguely related and like I have something to add - what are you supposed to do? Genuine question because I do sometimes feel like people switch off and am conscious I've just pushed the conversation focus on to myself again, but don't really know how else to steer it? There's a limit to the amount of empathising you can do with a story which is more about amusement value than getting things off your chest. I know you're supposed to ask questions about the other person too but I never do this unless I know someone really well or it's a really obvious question, as I'm always worried I'll come across as nosy or rude.

I don't do the competitive thing, though. That's just odd

That must be tough. I hope your son feels better soon.

Mrs Beakman probably the best thing to do is say "Oh hope he feels better soon, how has he been feeling?" so opening up the conversation for the other person to talk more about it rather than cutting in and making it about you. The other person might have more they want to say, but feel they can't get a word in edgeways if you start with an anecdote of your own :)

And you can always say 'Have you tried xxx' without telling an anecdote or 'I've found xx works', if they seem to be wanting help rather than just being dull.

but they've just told you how he's feeling! So surely they'd be annoyed if you ask again?

(Starting to see what the problem is. An illogical fear of asking the wrong question )

I'm going to try it and see how i get on. With the example of someone losing their child i used earlier, if i talk about when the same thing happened to me i feel like i'm sympathising with how kids can give you a fright, but if i were to say "Oh no that must have been frightening, does she run off often?" I would feel like i was suggesting their child was naughty. Do you see what i mean?

Sharing stories is fine! As long as you maybe ask them a question or two about theirs. But when people clearly aren't listening as they just want to jump in about themselves.... Then they deserve a dropkick.

Have a colleague like this, obviously deeply insecure. Others find my rants about them amusing but sometimes they're actually hurtful. I had a bereavment recently and they managed to turn that into talking about their weekend plans in 2 seconds ffs.

Blimey i don't think i'm as bad as your colleague. Sorry about the bereavement.

The thing is to try to ask 'open' questions that don't just get a yes or no or might get a convo flowing.

Eg friend 'Baby ill blah blah'
you 'Oh poor thing, have you tried xx?'
friend 'no, does it really? How do you use it?
etc

(this is for bertie, not OP, OP clearly does this already)

I think with me sometimes it's a fear of patronising people. eg. this morning a mum said "It's such a struggle getting here on time in the morning. Do you find that?" I then told her that i go through stages of always running late and then through stages of being on time. If I had said "Have you tried setting your alarm 5 mins earlier?" i would feel i was patronising her.

i used to work with someone who did this all the time she never stopped for breath . it made me exhausted just looking at her i used to look real busy and try to avoid her in the end i was just looking at her lips moving and not listening at all it went like this ,mumble,mumble,mumble

Oh god I have one like this too. She's always going on and on about her kids, her life, blah blah blah.

And she does this really annoying thing by speaking at you with her eyes shut.

Like others have said, open questions are good, to show you are listening to the person and are trying to give advice but without being bossy/patronising. So if the boot was on the other foot and my friend had said to me that her DS was ill, I would probably have said "Oh no, did it start last night?" and she might say "Yes, he was ill all night" Me: "Poor thing, I bet you're both tired aren't you?" Her "Yes, we are, I'm going to take him to the doctors later" Me "Yes I think that's a good idea, hope it goes ok, let me know how you get on"

And I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with a so-called friend like that!

I have a friend like that, but luckily she does, eventually, pick up on my glazed expression and move the conversation on to something else. My mum, after she'd met this friend, actually asked me if she had something wrong with her "to make her keep speaking about herself all the time"!

Unfortunately I had the bad luck to have someone who was even worse than this staying with me for a week. The first friend came round and I invited her in, and not even she could compete! She said afterwards that she had tried many times to change the conversation, but whatever she said our visitor kept turning it back to her. I think my friend finally got a taste of her own medicine (not that it changed her)!

Then there are people like my sister, for whom a conversation = interrogation. Question after question. But not because she's interested in what you have to say, as she barely listens to the answers. And the questions are usually not what most people would ask anyway (eg first time she met a homosexual friend of mine she asked, within 10 mins, who was the queen in his relationship!!!!!). She has no idea. I suspect she interrogates as she knows one is supposed to ask questions in a conversation, and it means she can get that out of the way then talk about herself for the rest of the time. No subject is barred. She told me and my mother all about her menstrual cycle once, during dinner. Lovely!

with her eyes shut the womens got skill.

My ex-MIL does the eyes shut thing. It's irritating. Both of her sons do it too when they get worked up. I can't imagine what I ever found attractive about one of them

She also insists I take DS round to see her (fair enough, XP never does) then invites us in and proceeds to spend an hour making tea, folding the washing or generally cleaning the kitchen and ignoring us

I think I do do that, LadyM. I will try doing it more!