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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday parties

33 replies

mrsmcv · 02/02/2012 19:15

God, argh, bloody parties. Every weekend another party and poor dd aged 5 never gets invited and cries every other week because she's been left out. Is same group of kids at every one, and same small minority left out.

What have they done wrong? What have we done wrong? We had birthday party last year and invited everyone in the class because I personally couldn't stand to leave any child out. Am I just too soft?

Do you know what? The birthday party thing is just no fun.

OP posts:

Mrsrobertduvall · 02/02/2012 19:19

I do not like whole class parties. Not everyone is your friend.
Dcs always had about 3 or 4 close friends ie i knew parents, we would swop dcs in holidays so one of us got an afternoon off.
I treated parties as a time when you had your best friends to tea, not inbpvite 30 children you didn't know very well.

Original poster

mrsmcv · 02/02/2012 19:25

yeh, I think v small parties are the answer too and whole class parties a bit out of control. just makes me sad when it's all the class apart from five or six out of thirty. Poor things. Well, I can't speak for the others obviously but my little girl's thoroughly miserable.

OP posts:

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 19:26

It's very sad...is it just three or four getting left out? HOw many in the class?

BigusBumus · 02/02/2012 19:27

We just had 6 boys for DS2s home birthday party. It was at home and tea round the table. So much nicer

Mrsrobertduvall · 02/02/2012 19:28

Are the invites handed out obviously..I wouldn't think most children would be aware otherwise.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 02/02/2012 19:28

Your poor dd. She is doing nothing wrong I am sure. School seems to be about this sort of thing, a cool group, the middle group and the 'outcasts'. My son was like your dd. He is too nerdy, too big and too loud and was left out of several parties (we only had a tiny one for him with the 2 kids he actually played with). He's home educated now so thankfully we don't have to contend with this crap any more. It hurts to see your child excluded and it hurts to see that other adults/kids don't care. All I can suggest is that you say 'Ah well, you're not great friends with X anyway. And don't forget we're doing 'insert amazing cool thing' on saturday anyway'.

Original poster

mrsmcv · 02/02/2012 19:32

30 in class and the kids hand the invites out because the teachers have refused to put things in book bags any longer, otherwise she probably wouldn't know. Yeh, there's about five or six of them who never get invited to anything. Dunno why. She never gets invited round to people's houses for tea either and I've been reluctant to ask people to ours as it's clear kids or parents or both just haven't taken to either me or her or both of us. Really sad and affecting her education.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 02/02/2012 19:32

Surely the 'cool group' can't be having a birthday party every week that your DD doesn't get invited to. How many children are having parties and leaving your DD out? It can't possibly be happening every week.

I have never invited the whole class to DS's parties. I just get him to write a list and give him a maximum number.

Your poor DD though if it is upsetting her.

cornforth · 02/02/2012 19:34

At 5 this is more about cliquey mummies I'd say. Sorry for your poor DD. :( this stage won't last long before they start picking their own friends I'd say.

overmydeadbody · 02/02/2012 19:34

So she never get invited to people's houses and yet you have never invited anyone over to yours? Maybe the parents think you are the one who doesn't like them?

Your DD must have one or two close friends, who she hangs out with at school, you should invite them over. You have to start the ball rolling with playdates.

Acinonyx · 02/02/2012 19:35

At ours, there are some whole class parties but they are mainly for about 10ish. When I was growing up it was unheard of to invite the whole class as they were always at home. Do you want to go to 30 parties/year? And we have two classes/year with overlapping friends. Nightmare.

I don't really get all this birthday party angst. It's nice if dd goes to her good friends' parties (IF they have parties) but neither she nor I have every worried or moaned over parties she wasn't invited to. I totally accept it - she accepts it - surely it's normal. I would be worried if she went to none - anything more than that is fine. You have to draw the line somewhere. I really wonder hjow much the parents' influence the child's reaction.

mrsmaltesers · 02/02/2012 19:36

My ds doesnt get invited either so i have paid the money i would have spent on birthday presents for those children who never acknowledge the present anyway for a really nice active after school club for ds. He loves it.

Have cut the chord with parties now unfortunately. I busted my chops for years but no more. He is year 2.

It s very tough that your child is not invited but it is a phase and it will pass i promise.

Sparklingbrook · 02/02/2012 19:36

My Mum's friend says at her grandson's school the school insist that the whole class is invited to any parties.

Acinonyx · 02/02/2012 19:38

And I agree about playdates. You only need one or two regulars and you have to be prepared to make the first move - and sometimes it won't work out and sometimes it will.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 02/02/2012 19:42

I think that if invites are given out in front of kids then the school is right to insist that everyone is invited. It is the same kids who are always left out.

3doorsaway · 02/02/2012 19:43

It's so upsetting when your child feels left out. However, if you take it personally so will she, and it proberbly is financial. I did a whole class party this year mainly as dd2 age 5 had no established friends, and it was her 5th birthday. I did it on the cheep sausage rolls sandwiches, if I had gone to soft play it potentially could of cost £300 that's crazy money for a party.

What's much more important than parties is how is she integrating with her peers, find out who her friends are and have them over for dinner. Support her in finding cherished child hood friends now rather than dwelling on the hurt of exclusion xxx

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 19:47

Wy don't you ask DDs teacher which children she plays with...then at home time, get DD herself tto ask the child in front of it's Mum if she or he would like to come for tea next week.

That's what one Mum did for her DD when she wanted to invite my DD...she got the child to ask the child....it needs some bravery....or you could just ask the child's Mum yourself...just say "My DD says she woldl love your X to come over to play one day after school...would that be ok?"

MOST parents are pleased about the offer.

Mrsrobertduvall · 02/02/2012 19:48

Do you chat/get on with any mums in the class? Agree with others that you at this age need to instigate having someone for tea.

Original poster

mrsmcv · 02/02/2012 19:58

Yes, it is hard that she's so hurt, especially when it seems to go with the school territory and especially when they're so young. I am personally glad that this year we can have a small, special party for children of all ages who she knows from all over but still, it's nice to feel wanted and included isn't it? Who doesn't enjoy that, what ever age they are.

OP posts:

lovechoc · 02/02/2012 20:06

I really could not imagine inviting every child in DC's class, tbh. I'd prefer at the age of 5 to just invite possibly 5 or 6 friends at the very most. Agree with others that it would just get out of control inviting a whole class and to me it also seems quite insincere (but understand the reasoning behind it in not wanting to leave out a classmate). It's a difficult one really. DS1 is still at nursery yet so have not been through this so far (we just go days out as a family for birthdays rather than having a 'birthday party' - cuts out all the stress of organising food and entertainment).

lovechoc · 02/02/2012 20:07

Come to think of it...there are 40 children in DS1's nursery class so there's no way in Hell I'd be inviting that amount to a birthday party - I'd have to cough up for it! Enough to drive any parent into an early grave!

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 20:17

I am having that worry right now lovechoc as my DD will be 4 in a month and is CONVINCED she's asking the whole nursery!

There are 30 kids and I have estimated it will cost 300 pounds.

I wonder if I could just ask the girls only....but then she has lots of little boys who she loves too.

I know it's hard OP but you need to make some effort...ask a child for a playdate! Check with DD who she would like...and ask for two more names aswell in case the first can't come!

BackforGood · 02/02/2012 20:26

Glad my dcs grew up in a normal place where people invite a few friends to share a lovely time with on their birthday, and if someone else goes to a party you aren't invited to you just say 'Have a nice time' and presume whatever they were doing could on;y accomodate the number they asked. No angst involved.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 20:32

Backforgood nice for you eh?

Mrsrobertduvall · 02/02/2012 20:40

Why would you spend £300 on a party for nursery children?

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