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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about friend's reaction to second wedding?

43 replies

Pollykitten · 01/02/2012 14:50

I was with my husband for 11 years, loving step-parent to his two children (almost full time) for our whole relationship and put a superhuman amount of effort, love and time into whole thing. He proposed, then retracted his proposal but we did eventually get married. I was clear before entering the relationship that I would like children very much and he said that that would be OK, although he wasn't very keen. As our relationship progressed (after marriage) he started saying he didn't want children, by which time I was hurtling through my 30s. I felt rejected, both in terms of the grudging marriage and children. I then met someone and left my husband with a man for whom marriage and babies with me would be, in his words, better than winning the lottery ten times over. It was very painful to end it with my first husband, who is devastated. I am now very happily planning my wedding to my new partner. I recently sent out 'save the date' emails and one friend, who is close to my ex, has said that he will come to the evening do but not the day. I am livid - surely either he is my friend and wishes me well, or he does not (out of loyalty to my ex)? AIBU to feel like saying that on that basis, he should not come at all? Sorry for being long-winded.

OP posts:
PissesGlitter · 01/02/2012 14:52

did he actually say he wasnt coming because of ex?

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2012 14:53

Maybe he's busy earlier in the day? Don't turn into bridezilla, it's not just about you!

I think you need to accept that others may not be as thrilled about your wedding as you are. Friends caught in the middle are bound to feel torn, and this may be what your friend feels is the best compromise to be fair to both you and your ex.

CeliaFate · 01/02/2012 14:54

It all depends on his reasons for not coming to the day. If it's because he disapproves of your marriage, then I'm afraid I'd tell him to either come to both or not at all.

docket · 01/02/2012 14:54

I can understand why, as a close friend of your ex, your friend may not wish to (be seen to) participate in the whole event. I can also understand why you'd feel hurt by this but I'd probably accept this response. Things may change as the time comes nearer anyway?

Squitten · 01/02/2012 14:55

Maybe he's just busy earlier on...? I would have thought if he was objecting to the wedding in principle he would have avoided the whole lot

wannaBe · 01/02/2012 14:57

I think that considering you left your husband for another man, you're lucky that people want to go to your wedding at all.

Obviously you're happy and that's fine, but all this "being like winning the lottery ten times over," talk when it's based on destroying someone else's happyness is just a bit puke-worthy.

OrmIrian · 01/02/2012 14:57

"I am livid - surely either he is my friend and wishes me well, or he does not (out of loyalty to my ex)? "

Perhaps he does both. Why does he have to choose sides.

Look, you are over the moon. Other people who care about your ex are a bit ambivalent. Would you really want to be friends with someone who was so insensitive to the feelings of another friend?

TimothyClaypoleLover · 01/02/2012 14:58

If he hasn't expressly said so YABU to assume he is only coming to evening because of your ex. In fact I would have thought if he was being loyal to your ex he wouldn't come at all so maybe he is just busy during the daytime. He probably thinks he is doing you a favour by letting you know he can't come to daytime as we all know what a nightmare guest lists/costs can be.

frumpet · 01/02/2012 15:00

ooooooh wannbe , harsh.

differentnametoposthere · 01/02/2012 15:04

Did you split with your husband, and then get with the OM, or did you get with the OM and then split with your husband?

From your OP it reads like the latter, in which case YABU especially if he's a friend of your ex (again that's how I read it).

He may feel you've behaved appallingly to his friend and going to the evening do is the most he can manage, especially if he had to lose a day's work to go.

How long ago did you leave your husband/get with the OM?

wannaBe · 01/02/2012 15:08

perhaps. But if you have an affair and then leave your partner for the subject of that affair, you can hardly expect everyone to be happy for you when you decide to announce your wedding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2012 15:08

I think perhaps he should give the whole event a mess if he feels that way. Friends will often pick a side when a couple split; this friend is closer to your ex-husband.

If you're feeling guilty that your ex is 'devasted', don't. He isn't. If your feelings would have mattered to him at all, he would have stuck to what he agreed to.

Get on with arranging your new life and don't look back.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2012 15:11

As a caveat though... you seem to hold having babies as your highest priority... be careful that this man isn't just telling you what you're desperate to hear. I wouldn't have put it as strongly as Wannabe's post but I don't think she's wrong either.

Original poster
Pollykitten · 01/02/2012 15:11

Got together more than a year ago. I'm not sure how I have behaved appallingly by putting someone else needs above my own for 10 years, but then deciding that a family life was not something to compromise on in the final analysis? I feel he needs to have the courage of his convictions (if they are indeed convictions) and come or not. It is of course hard for friends and some choose (as is their right) and some choose not to choose as it were and be friends with both. I don't think you can do a weird half-way position. Friends / not friends. He hasn't spoken to me directly, this has come via his wife.

OP posts:
olgaga · 01/02/2012 15:12

Are you sure it's because of your ex? If so I think it's a bit peculiar to miss out on the ceremony but go along to the reception to celebrate with everyone else.

I don't see why anyone would think it was unreasonable to leave your ex in the circumstances you have described.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername · 01/02/2012 15:12

OP - if you were married, met someone else, left then divorced your husband and are now getting married to someone else then you are The Bad Guy and going to have to suck it up, I'm afraid.

The mutual friends you've retained are going to feel uncomfortable for years. Don't make people choose sides, because you'll probably lose.

Original poster
Pollykitten · 01/02/2012 15:13

Well new DP has had a vasectomy reversal and we are currently undergoing IVF as it was not successful, so I would say he put his (our) money where his mouth is!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollykitten · 01/02/2012 15:14

Gosh, I have sucked up more than you can imagine! When I was a step parent, it was all 'I don't know how you do, I couldn't do it blah blah....' ...I am OK (just) with being the bad guy, but think its weird to half come to a wedding.

OP posts:
differentnametoposthere · 01/02/2012 15:15

Don't you think it's all a bit rapid?

Hullygully · 01/02/2012 15:15

Unfortunately you are going to get a lot of this. Irrespective of your reasons and choices, he IS friends with both of you, as will other people be, and they are not going to want to take sides. Nor should they have to.

Original poster
Pollykitten · 01/02/2012 15:17

Forgive my un-sparkling prose, I don't suppose I have done the story justice - I wasn't really looking views on whether to have a family with DP, just trying to get a measure of reaction out there to strange wedding invite uptake!

OP posts:
differentnametoposthere · 01/02/2012 15:18

Unfortunately, when you post in AIBU it's all fair game Smile

A lot of why he wouldn't come, and whether or not YABU goes to the who said what who did what when did it happen of you and your ex though.

Hullygully · 01/02/2012 15:19

What are you going to wear for this so-called wedding?

saintlyjimjams · 01/02/2012 15:19

I'm still not clear on whether your relationships overlapped.

If they did maybe he sees it as none of his business or thinks that your ex treated you a little unfairly so is coming to the evening, but feels that actually seeing you get married would be disloyal to your ex (his friend).

As someone has already said don't make people choose between you and your ex, why would you?

Hullygully · 01/02/2012 15:19

Are you allowing fascinators?