To be at the end of my tether with my 6 year old

[Eskimoo]

Ok, first post, long time lurker. DD1 is almost six and I am really struggling at the moment with her behaviour. She is very bright but has always liked to control and display attention seeking behaviour but only whilst at home, never at school/at grandparents, and she generally behaves when we go out anywhere which leads me to believe that the problem lies at home and in the way I respond to her.....

To describe some behaviours, last night she spat in my face, screamed, tantrumed, said I was stupid, sticking her tongue out, complete refusal to do simple tasks etc etc..... She has also gone to school this morning following yet another run in over changing her tights as they had a hole in. To be clear, these are the latest in a gradual decline in behaviour over the past couple of months. There have been no significant changes in her home life.

So I feel guilty at being cross with her all the time and am concerned for our relationship in the longer term. I am in the childcare profession so feel that I have tried every trick in the book, positive reinforcement, reward charts, ignoring, staying calm, being cross, increasing one to one time.......

I love her dearly and really want this to improve so would appreciate any support or advice from people who have been through this. I can't decide if it just a phase or something more serious but the contrast in her behaviours in the home compared to elsewhere is just so stark! All comments appreciated.

Has she any siblings? How do you punish the behavour? Is dad around or is it just you parenting her?

Are you me ??

My nearly 6 year old is crazy at the minute she is hyper from the second she wakes up yelling and running about - ignoring me - the walk home from school is gettting harder as she wont listen and wants to be the first for everything. A few weeks ago she was fine, did as she was asked, got ready for school no problems and loved doing her readings/spellings.

She is yelling at her brothers and using her 'outside' voice everywhere. I am hoping its just a phase and she will grow out of it soon - I want my sweet little girl back not her evil twin!!!

DS1 had this at about the same age - it's a phase. I stopped responding to the bad behaviour - he tried every trick in the book tho'....

If my 6 year old spat in my face, they would be getting a few sharp slaps on the backside and be confined to their bedroom, without any toys, tv or games for a considerable amount of time.

I agree with squeakytoy. TBH I'm not a big fan of rewards and star charts for this kind of behaviour. Proper, old fashioned discipline is required IMO

I am not a fan of ignoring bad behaviour either. Ignoring it, from a child's persepective, when they know they are being naughty, tells them they that it is acceptable.

As a baby they grew up with you saying "NO", if you were teaching them not to do something. So why suddenly confuse the kid by ignoring them when they are doing something that you do not want them to do.

With teens and adults who are pissing you off with their behaviour, they know damn well when you are ignoring it so as not to give them a reaction, but that is too complex for a young child.

Thanks for the responses. I have a DD2 (nearly 3) who has a completely different temperament. I do believe that she thinks that the younger one is treated differently but we don't have the behaviours from DD2, plus different ages, different needs etc. I have a DH who is also at the end of his tether - he deals with her by mainly shouting but I have tried to steer him away from this. He is from the smacking school of thought but I really don't want to go down that route. In terms of punishment she gets sent straight to bed, wasn't allowed to go to Rainbows last night, no telly etc.... But she is now informing me that she 'doesn't care' about the consequences!

Agree time for the banning of TV or whatever favourite pastime.
Is she chronically tired? Sometimes when DS goes off a crack down on bedtime helps.

sorry x post

So I guess that the little one is at home whilst the older one is at school. Could she be jealous and acting out to get all the attention?

I don't have any constructive advice because I find myself in a similar position a times.

I've said on here before that my little girl is like the little girl with the little curl, when she is good she is very, very good and when she is bad...

Some of what you describe sounds similar to us. The complete over reaction to the simplest request. That sort of thing. Shouting, name calling... The school say you'd never know she was there and has won awards for her good behaviour and for setting an example to others!!!!!

Our DD is also 'bright'. I think it goes with the territory. If it makes you feel any better.... It's the song you want We like to sing it substituting DD's name for Zippy's.

He is from the smacking school of thought but I really don't want to go down that route

He is an equal parent, and to be honest, if nothing else is working, then a short sharp shock could be exactly what does the trick.

Few kids like being smacked, and the threat of a smack when you know that pushing it further WILL result in that threat being carried out is often enough to stop a kid in their tracks. It certainly worked for me, for my stepkids, and for my grandchildren nowadays too. Rarely was any smacking ever actually done, but if it was threatened, and the bad behaviour continued, the behaviour was punished.

She sleeps well - always had good routines, structure etc. I do think she is attention seeking and I have tried to address this by giving one to one when DD2 is in bed, reading stories, playing a game etc and I try to divide my time between the two of them when they are both around but it feels like the attention she recorded at the moment is largely centred around her negative behaviour.

Receives not recorded! I'm not a big fan of reward charts either (they have never worked!) but desperate measures etc......

my ds can be a bit challenging, i think it is in part because they put so much effort in to being good and performing well and school and they just want to relax. I know good behaviour should be automatic but for a six year old who is no longer allowed to be selfish, now has to realise that she is not the centre of the univerise and is over tired it is hard given that they are still so young. Also in school, positive attention is very conditional on doing well/trying hard etc, i think they need to know that they are loved just for being them. For us, a regular cuddle soon after we come home from school seemed to work.

Thanks squeaky I'm not 'anti smacking' I was smacked as a child and am not scarred by it and my mum has advocated it for DD1 in this instance to be honest but it is a real last resort for me as I always said I never would.
Folkgirl - thankyou I will try it!

I have ds who is 5.8 and hard work too. Not as bad as you describe your daughter, but v strong willed and v hard to control.

The only suggestion I would make is that you could address her need for autonomy by finding some area of life where she can be in control - eg deciding on a family activity or deciding on a meal etc.

Part of my ds' problem I think is that he is a born leader and he has a lot of autonomy at school and is a leader amongst his friends and then at home is told what to do and controlled all the time.

I do honestly think that some children are really very hard work...

Personally I think if you do not feel comfortable with smackign don't do it - you have to parent in a way that feels right to you. I could never hit my children, it is not in me to do that. I don't care what anyone else does but that does not sit right with me.

Do Eskimoo. At least that way you can establish whether your DD has a sense of humour or not!!

Witchwith - I totally agree that she needs to feel loved and this needs to be demonstrated. Although it comes naturally the older and more independent they get, the less frequent the cuddles - I have started to 'warm the tone' if you like, and try to be more patient over the humdrum things. I probably also need to instigate the cuddles rather than just respond to her when she comes to me.

Also I think I would focus specifically on her disrespect to you - spitting etc and deal with that over and above the other issues.

When you are both calm talk about it and how it makes you feel - how would she feel if you did that to her or if a friend did it to her. Be honest about how her behaviour affects you. Allow her to say how your behaviour affects her. Then agree that this will stop and she will be rewarded for every day she goes without acting in that way - get her to suggest what the reward would be.

Oldbag - she is 'quietly confident' in school, very bright, behaviour 'exemplarily' apparently! She loves her teacher and has a nice circle of friends although there have been minor issues with one particular girl - nothing out of the ordinary as far as I am aware.

Ilove - allowing her to control in a positive helpful way is a good idea, there are loads of ways that she could take ownership of little tasks - she would love that, thanks.

Ilove - great advice thankyou - despite all this she loves being good and kind (to others) so would probably be very uncomfortable with understanding how she has made me feel. She needs to feel that though to understand doesn't she....

I started several threads re this last year,I just knew before opening this would be a dd.You wouldn't believe how many similar threads and posts you read re 6 year old girls.

I seriously think something happens with girls around 6,god knows what though.My dd was a little devil from about 5-6,a total angel at school and elsewhere but the hysterics over itchy tights,hair plaited,eating breakfast,the noise I make when chewing,my breathing when hearing her read,face like thunder when I picked her up from school,stropping to school,posting notes under the door saying "I have the meanest parooons in the weld".... god it went on and on.

Like you I did everything,shouting,step,bedroom,charts.You name it we did it.Then during the last year we've had a complete change and she's lovely.Doesn't fly off the handle,excepts consequences,doesn't shout,says sorry,is a good girl most of the time and we have lovely quality time.She's thriving at school,totally loving it.My dd is bright(quite a perfectionist in a funny way) and she's madly reading all the time,writing etc.I think she's found her groove and is stimulated at school and knows how to amuse herself now.

I think something happens in year 1. They're not babies anymore and girls can be catty at school.I think dd was starting to notice peer pressure and was feeling vulnerable and tired. There is supposed to be some gland that kicks in at 6-8 too.In year 2 they're the oldest in keystage 2 and develop confidence imvho.

I'd just keep saying to yourself this will pass,don't shout as girls copy mums behaviour.I notice dd was distinctly better when I dealt with her calmly.I wouldn't threaten smacking as it's something she will do.

Try and ignore the behaviour by calming saying if you carry on you're going to your bedroom then frogmarch without making eye contact.Ignore the hullaballoo,threats and boasting coming from her room.It's all for attention and for the drama effect.

Try and have some quality time with her alone-you in particular.I found this helped massively.

Don't laugh about her bahaviour or make her character into a naughty girl as she'll play up to it.I was exactly the same at 6 and my parents regret doing that,my sister was perfect.My mum has laughed when dd has been naughty and referred back to me as a child.I've forbidden her from so much as smirking when she's naughty and told her I expect zero tolerance at all times.

Good luck,it's hideous but it will pass.Boys are waaaay easier.Soooooo dreading the teenage years.Dp has said he'll move out if I have the menopause at the same time!!!!!

Withwhich has my now 10 y DD to a tee.
She's impeccably behaved at school, very clever and very comparative.
At six she was the youngest by a fair bit in a split Y2/Y1 class. Suddenly she had to grow up, she couldn't just be cute.

I think keeping up the act at school was and is hard work.

The result is we get a bad tempered, stubborn, disobedient, attention seeking little madam.

Sadly I don't know the answer, beyond lots of love, cuddles and attention when possible and a very firm hand when necessary.

I'm afraid DD2 has been spanked and shouted at because in the end DH, DD1 and I live here too and the world cannot always revolve around her.