To be at the end of my tether with my 6 year old

[Eskimoo]

Ok, first post, long time lurker. DD1 is almost six and I am really struggling at the moment with her behaviour. She is very bright but has always liked to control and display attention seeking behaviour but only whilst at home, never at school/at grandparents, and she generally behaves when we go out anywhere which leads me to believe that the problem lies at home and in the way I respond to her.....

To describe some behaviours, last night she spat in my face, screamed, tantrumed, said I was stupid, sticking her tongue out, complete refusal to do simple tasks etc etc..... She has also gone to school this morning following yet another run in over changing her tights as they had a hole in. To be clear, these are the latest in a gradual decline in behaviour over the past couple of months. There have been no significant changes in her home life.

So I feel guilty at being cross with her all the time and am concerned for our relationship in the longer term. I am in the childcare profession so feel that I have tried every trick in the book, positive reinforcement, reward charts, ignoring, staying calm, being cross, increasing one to one time.......

I love her dearly and really want this to improve so would appreciate any support or advice from people who have been through this. I can't decide if it just a phase or something more serious but the contrast in her behaviours in the home compared to elsewhere is just so stark! All comments appreciated.

And absolute zero tolerance of point scoring between her and her sister.

DD1 is dyslexic, quirky and not very socially adept. The total opposite of DD2.

The result is, that although she is 3 years older, DD2 can make very cutting comments more like they were the same age.

This is a very bad idea because DD1 is bigger, actually as bright and very likely to return unpleasantness with interest.

The end result is of course it is DD2 who both starts it and ends up in tears.

i would start with removing tv, games consoles etc
just to show that you mean what you say then she might actually believe you mean business

if you just keep threatening to do stuff then dont, she will keep being a minx as she knows there is no punishment

if my child ever spat on me i dont think i would be able to stop myself from a sharp smack on the bum tbh

Mrs H - thank you so much for that - the behaviours are exactly as you described and it gives me hope that there will be an end to this. So many helpful comments and advice - thankyou.

I think I wrote almost the exact same problem last year with my DD who had also just turned 6. We went through a very hard time with her and tantrums and arguements and tried everything possible to change her behavior.
Eventually after trying everything we decided to give her a book which she had to write in every time she had a tantrum. For example - she would scream, shout, throw things, hit us etc and we used to put her in time out - take her to her room if we were in the house, put her in the car if we were out until she calmed down - then after we used to give her her book to write in where she had to answer 4 questions:
Why did it start?
How did i feel?
What should i do?
What did i achieve?
Then afterwards we used to sit down together and talk it through. Yes it was hard in the beginning and it used to take us ages to calm down and yes the book has to go everywhere with you (especially in the beginning) but it worked for us! She wrote in it last week i think - the 1st time since November last year - sometimes just the threat that she would have to write in it now takes away the full scale tantrum
Just an idea HTH

have you read Steven Biddulphs book - the complete guide to happy children? It helped mine hugely

If my child ever spat at me, their feet wouldn't touch the ground as they landed in their bedrooms, accompanied by a smack. Such behaviour is dreadful, you have my sympathy.

A good tip I was given a long time ago is to deepen your voice (rather than shout) when you are telling a child off. It worked for me when mine were small and it works now I do voluntary stuff with children.

I used to do time out like you but now do stand and think - which has a win win outcome for us both. she doesn't lose face but gets to reflect on her behaviour. i got this technique from the book i mentioned above by steven biddulph. I would take a long hard look at your own behaviour and see what she is reacting to

My 2 are the same ages as your children - although eldest is a boy. I could have written your post. DS also thinks that I treat DD better than him - but only because her behaviour is better. TBH we have tried every trick in the book and don't know what else to do. We are doing the trying to ignore it and praise the good as we've tried punishing the bad. Rubbish age!!

Essex - feel your pain! Just rubbish......

Sky - thanks that is really constructive advice - I totally think that my responses have made things worse at times and I am constantly reflecting about this - I hadnt heard of that book so will have a look thanks.

The book also Mands could work - she loves writing and can articulate her feelings well so she would probably respond to this.